What Now

So I have managed to get through the first year, my birthday and our 40th wedding anniversary and now wondering what do I do now.

Of course I have friends and family but as I sit here alone in the evening again, watching the same rubbish on television and reading through all those happy family messages on Facebook about how all my contacts are loving life, I start to wonder when it gets better.

Fed up with the same “thinking of you messages”, those I am here if you want me when you know that they have their own lives.

I now realise that I cannot make a decision of my own, that for the past 40 years, I relied on Pete to guide me, but as I sit here again on my own I just cannot see an end to this nightmare.

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I am so sorry to hear this. I recognise much of what you say though I am much more recently bereaved. I also know my partner made a lot of the decisions. I know change is hard but you can make decisions. I’m thinking Pete would want you to. Pm anytime.

Hi Scooby i feel the nightmare will never end but it will just throw up different things .And in time it might be less painfull to face each day .Colin

Dear Scoobie, don’t be so hard on yourself, you have got through what has probably been the worst year of your life, and every day you have been making decisions on your own. Maybe not ‘big’ decisions, but decisions that have kept you going and got you here. That is no small achievement.

What now? I go to a monthly bereavement group and at the last meeting someone talked about the possibility of finding a new partner. Everyone agreed they did not want to spend the rest of their lives alone, but not everyone felt ready to move on yet. Nor did they know how they might go about it when they were ready, although one person said Way Up had been a big help. I have recently been trying to change my mental picture of my future from someone permanently grieving to one in which I find peace and contentment; that change has helped improve my outlook even though I don’t know how to get there.

So while the future still looks daunting, things don’t stay the same for ever, and there is always the possibility that things can change for the better. With best wishes.

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Your words Neil are are reassuring. My husband died 8 weeks ago, I get through the days ok by keeping busy trying new things but the evenings are still bad.
I feel so lonely by myself after having a husband there for 40 yrs to chat to. Like you said it’s not good to be permanently grieving in the long term and I know my husband would not want me Sat here for the next 20 years crying every night.I hope as you say that we can all move on. I keep thinking about the disciples on Pentecost Sunday how there lives were changed by the gift of the Holy Spirit. Perhaps with enough praying my life will be turned round.
May we all find comfort from each others comments Katy

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Dear Katy, thank you for your reply, I am glad to have helped you in some small way. I think helping each other here is what this site is all about, either with advice or just by communicating with people in a similar situation who can understand what we are going through. It helps to counter the isolation many of us feel.

8 weeks is still very early for you and it sounds like you are coping well apart from the evenings which I know can be lonely and difficult. I’m sure you’re right though, your husband wouldn’t want that for you any more than you’d have wanted that for him. I think it will be a good while before you will be ready to move on, but in the meantime believing you will not always feel so alone will help you get through this.

I am glad to hear that you can draw strength from your faith and I hope it continues to sustain you throughout your journey through grief. With best wishes.