Hi all,
My partner died 5 weeks ago. I got his ashes back today. They are not in an urn but a box, as I haven’t yet decided what to do. I know our daughter (17) has expressed the want to intern them in the same cemetary as her grandad, which i am fully behind. It would be nice to have a specific place to go. However, I’m at a loss as to how to go about this, and his mum, who is absolutely lovely, is constantly asking me what im doing. I have a terrible feeling she may not want to do what we want. But really, i just think she is looking for more closure. I will point out, that we have made every decision together, along with the rest of Amfs family, and every decision I make will be with her collaboration or approval, which she knows.
Sorry for your loss
I hated the cardboard scatter box and immediately bought an engraved urn and transferred the ashes.
Felt much better after I had done that.
I interred her ashes at the graveyard where her funeral held.
It depends if it’s a public cemetery or a graveyard linked to a church
Public cemetery, you approach the council through their website about the purchase of right of use of a plot. Once you’ve bought the plot, you own the right of use of land for the period (usually 50 - 100 years with renewal thereafter)
Then you purchase the headstone from an approved memorial mason
Church graveyard little different in that the church owns the graveyard and you apply for right of use of the land.
You would approach the church warden to organise this and then purchase the headstone privately.
You may find churches a little more restrictive in their policies around headstones and designs - Church of England can apparently be quite difficult.
You will need the cremation certificate in both cases
My partner wanted part of her ashes scattered and part memorialized, but didn’t say where she would like them interred. I made a judgement call, but am glad I did - it feels better to have a place to go visit her with a memorial headstone and the graveyard of the funeral church feels appropriate
@MemoriesOfUs I still haven’t even collected my partners ashes . I been in temporary housing, hospital 3 times I just felt nowhere was safe . When the weather gets better I’m going to arrange to have him interred into the garden of remembrance at the crematorium . It seems so final - I’m still in denial actually. I don’t feel ready to see his name on a headstone but I have to face up to thus soon I know xxx
@Ladysuisei6 I’d also leave it for safe keeping - irreplaceable.
Well don’t inter the ashes until you’re sure you’re ready - it’s not something that can be undone and need to do it in your own time - there’s no time frame.
I did it quite early, but I felt the need to have a sacred or hallowed place to spend time with her - it’s not right time frame for everyone, some have waited a couple of years.
Do what you feel is right for you
Thanks hun. I have the detailsof everything i think. And the certificate. X
There is no rush my husband passed away u months ago i still have him in a box in my dining room cupboard with his 70 ish bereavement cards that i cant even look at yet so early days
@MemoriesOfUs thank you for saying don’t rush . Sometimes I feel guilty that I’ve not dealt with his ashes yet but honestly we carry our loves in our hearts always don’t we . I know that he didn’t attatch the importance to having a “ resting place “ like I do . I feel it’s important but I think I’d quite like to get back to a more stable home ( planned for April 
) then get his ashes home with me for a while . If my plan works out I’m going back to somewhere we used to rent together so it feels appropriate to have him back with me before the interment. I think this would bring me comfort and I know if I could ask him , he really wouldn’t mind . Putting him into the ground when it’s still cold just feels wrong to me actually- I know I’m possibly quite mad for saying this. I’m waiting until the weather is warmer before I put him anywhere outside- as you say these ashes are irreplaceable, a bit like our love xxx
@Ladysuisei6 I scattered half her ashes in her favourite park - this she specifically requested - and interred the other half.
I had a memorial bench commissioned in the park so waited until that was ready and then for weather to be right as I wanted to scatter the ashes at 19:45 on a Saturday evening - when she died. It took weeks before the bench was ready and a Saturday evening when it wasn’t raining.
Scenic route point is, do it exactly when you feel is right and how you want it done, regardless of whether your reasons seem odd from an outsider looking in.
Something you’re only going to do once and need to do it how it brings comfort to you.
I put solar spike lanterns at her headstone so she’s not in the dark, so no, waiting for ground to be warm isn’t mad - everything’s relative.
@MemoriesOfUs well you seem to really understand what I was trying to convey . I have this absolute fear of putting my man into cold earth - it feels so absolutely lonely and bleak . In fact , my preference would be if I do go back to “ our house “ ( I have to say IF until it happens in case it doesn’t) then I will have him back home with me . I will choose a suitable urn or container and feel he is close to me in body once more . Actually, if I had complete assurance it would be done then when I die I want our ashes combined and interred together for eternity. The next best option will have to be interment if his ashes whilst i specify that I be interred in the same plot . It’s something that can’t be rushed . I think the care and attention you’ve shown with your wife’s ashes is beautiful by the way . To light up her grave is so poignant xxx
It’s strange how things like not wanting her to be in the dark or cold ground becomes so important now.
Told me that a year ago, I wouldn’t have understood and said it just doesn’t make any sense. Now it makes perfect sense, when nothing else does.
Hopefully you’re able to get house back and then keep him with you until you’re ready x
@MemoriesOfUs yes weird isn’t it how the need for certain ways of doing things suddenly takes over .
I have been given assurances that during April I will be able to move back into “ our house “ . Until I’m there , or at least signed an agreement I won’t get too excited. I will definitely bring him back with me at this point - if only to have time to get my head around the fact that he’s no longer here . Like you and your wife , we were soulmates and our love is irreplaceable. It’s going to take an awful long time to adjust to this new way of living and I don’t think I want to let him go just yet xxx