Hi all. My question is. Although I realize it’s rhetorical. How do we find a happy medium as to when it’s time to stop mentioning our loss.
An example of this. As part of my job. At least once a year I have to sit through a mundane silly coarse. Usually related to health and safety. The tutor whilst only doing his job will inevitably bring up the subject of fatal accidents in the workplace. Then they go in to a text book mantra of having to deal with the aftermath of someone’s death. At this point I always get up and walk out of the coarse. My wife has said. You can’t keep getting up and walking out. Which brings me to my original point. Where do we draw the line that we stop mentioning our loss. How often do you find yourself in conversation with someone, say on holiday or wherever and someone asks, do you have kids. Are you married. Have you got brothers or sisters. And so on. You know by giving the answer. Well I did have, but they’re are no longer hear will immediately kill the conversation stone dead. But to not mention them it’s like you are tarnishing Thier memory. See in the beginning when you first loose someone you literally can’t help talking about them,it’s written all over your face it seeps from every pore of your body. As time marches on you just know that people expect you to eventually move on and basically “shut up” about it. Coming on this site is completely different we can all find a way of expressing ourselves and we know there are people listening who are going through the same and they understand. In my own experience when my son died. People would avoid me like the plague. I’ve had people I know literally let go of shopping trolleys in the supermarket and turn in the opposite direction and walk away from me. I didn’t even need to speak. But then as time passes. People “ASSUME”. you’re ok now and it doesn’t affect you any more. So in their world everything is back to normal. However the people who know you best (old friends). Stay away because they think you are still going to talk about your loss.
Apart from on this site. I don’t really talk about my son. But sometimes you just can’t help it. But you get the same reaction every single time. I find also with experience that we tend to talk about it as a landmark event. How often have you been in a conversation with someone and the person has said. " I lost my mother 40 years ago. What are you supposed to do with that information? Death has a profound effect on us. Someone mentioned to me on this site that they almost feel sorry for people that have never lost anyone because they have it all to come. Does that mean it’s better for us because we have experienced loss, so in actual fact we are ahead of the game. Or are they the lucky ones because they haven’t experienced loss as of yet. I suppose the bottom line is. We tend to find comfort in talking to people who have lost someone so they know what you are going through. The people who haven’t lost anyone will treat you like a leper. Sad but true.
Ok good night people. It’s 3.30am. I’m off to stare at the ceiling for the next 3/4 hours
I liked how you expressed this. There are so many more things to navigate than I ever imagined, and other people feels like a large troublesome component of it. Yes, it’s ludicrous isn’t it, the predicament grieving people are placed in because other people are uncomfortable. Death is such a taboo to say the obvious. I get that for some people close to the person it is too painful to talk about but I have heard it said there is no greater disrespect than not to talk about someone that has died. I think you should do what’s right for you. I am completely"leaky" and far too much comes out that I can’t control to anyone because it seems utterly nonsensical to ignore and make small talk even with strangers and so not only am I landing something big in them but I don’t know them. It feels like a betrayal not to say so maybe I too am grappling with the same problem at a different time point. Let me know if you find the solution. So sorry for your loss. X
Hi jim you write so much sense .you just cant talk about it .w en my closest friends dont it makes me so angry .i lost my boy 25 last april to cancer gone in four months .the pain just dont ease take care love zoe x
I was just talking about my husband to a work colleague today and my eyes filled up with tears
I can’t help it
We were together for 25 wonderful years he was my best friend he was my whole life
Now I feel empty
I want to share my happy memories of david what we did together where we went
And if my friends and family can’t cope with me being upset sometimes I don’t want them around me or in my life
I hate anyone going through any loss I wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone
When I hear someone has loss a family member I find I feel their grief too
After 4 years of David passing I am still allowed to be upset about my loss and talk about it
I loved him so much and that love does not just disappear because he is DEAD
Hmm, I think if people were to start feeling miserable at the mere THOUGHT of losing someone they love, that would be very sad.
I prayed a lot when my Mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and I prayed that I would be able to cope with it.
I did cope, and I coped with my son committing suicide just 3 weeks after.
It was an awful time, but I don’t fear my next loved one dying.
I try to be positive
Hi Everyone and especially Jim.
Thank you for posting and for making so much heartfelt sense. I don’t think there is, or that we should impose a cut off point on ourselves.
I know what you mean about people avoiding a bereft person and it hurts very much adding to the pain we already feel. I used to get angry and upset when people treated me like that even though I realised that they were just not equipped to deal with grief…but neither are the grieving.
I think if it feels right to you to talk about your son then you just carry on doing so. I talk about my husband a lot and I’m finding that the feelings of being angry and upset with other people are being replaced by the love I still have for my beautiful husband and although it can be very sad sometimes it’s also a comfort.
I wish you comfort, Daisyrose.