When does the grief begin

I lost my mum 12 days ago and she passed away in front of me. I had been her carer along with my dad for 4 years. I feel empty but I don’t think i feel grief yet but I was incredibly close to her. I don’t know what to feel.

I lost my amazingly beautiful wife of 25 years at the young age of 49 only 6 weeks ago. Every body is different and their is no set way of how grief works, my 22 year old son is continuing as if nothing has happened and our older boy has thrown himself into work.
This forum has been a great comfort to me to know that we are not alone.
How is your Dad coping, please let friends and family help, I originally thought I was being a burden to them, but I now know that they genuinely want to help me.

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Hi ClareC,

I am so sorry to hear that you lost your mum. Your loss is still extremely recent and it’s completely understandable to feel empty - many people describe feeling numb or empty in the immediate aftermath of loss. Grief is a very personal thing and comes with a whole host of different emotions, which vary for every individual. It’s important to take care of yourself and move forwards at your own pace, don’t feel pressured to feel a certain way before you’re ready.

I hope you keep writing here and reading posts from other members of this community. There are many people here who are going through a similar experience so you aren’t alone.

Take care,
Eleanor
Online Community Manager

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Thank you Sheila. Im sorry for your loss.

I feel in such limbo. I work full time but was a carer for my mum and lived with them and now with just my dad who is 74. My siblings have all got families but I’m on my own. I spoke with my mum about dying quite often we were incredibly close but death was never far away. I’m scared that the doors will open and grief will come flooding in and I won’t be able to handle it.

Hi Richard thank you. I’m very sorry for your loss too. I don’t really know how we are coping as last two weeks have gone in a blur. We still have 3 weeks to wait for the funeral which is so painful. My dad is not a talker but is trying his best but he sees how close I was to my mum even simple things like what to watch on tv in the evening. We have the same taste whereas my dad doesn’t like anything I like. I have constant thoughts spinning in my head. I loved my mum so much but I don’t want to feel this nothingness.

Thank you Eleanor. Your words are very kind. I spoke to my mum the day before she died and she made me promise her I would live a happy life without her. I knew it was coming and so did she I think. I made her the promise and I will keep it. Just don’t know howhat at the mo.

As everyone says we all grieve differently but I found at first I was mostly numb. It felt like shock to me, I felt scared and empty, lonely and sad but it was as though my brain was protecting me as the real raw grief came later.

Hi PatC,

I’ve been browsing on Google looking for the same answer to your question when I happened to come across your post and I can SO relate to it.

My Mum died on 23rd March this year (almost 6 weeks ago) and I still feel in a state of ‘nothingness’. I can’t say that I feel numb because that would suggest that I feel nothing, but I kind of feel on auto-pilot.

We too had a long wait for the funeral - four weeks - but I had hoped something would have kicked in after the funeral - but nothing.

She’d been ill for a few years (she was 80 years old), and when she was admitted for the final time I just knew that she wouldn’t be coming home. I don’t know whether that is a somewhat explanation to my lack of grieving - maybe I had accepted it before she actually died…? I have to say I cried more when she in the hospital (16 days) than I have since she died.

Everything about the way I feel just feels wrong. I’d always imagined being a complete mess but I seem to be coping the best out of me and my brothers… Yet it disturbs me that I’m simply only shedding a tear or two - when will the REAL gut wrenching crying materialise? I hardly cried at all at the funeral.

My Dad, 84 years young bless him is so-so, and he rings me when he’s having a bad day so I feel the need to be strong for him.

I’m only a short way ahead of you on this path, but please be assured that you’re not alone in what you’re feeling.

Sending you love and strength X x

Hi Pat, when I saw your post it reminded me of myself 20 years ago when my mum passed away. My mum had heart problems but was not confined to bed, in fact she had been shopping, came home and my sister and I had a nice afternoon with her and dad and then we went home. I lived quite close and at 7.00 my dad rang to say he couldn’t wake my mum up so I went right round with my husband. She had gone to sleep in her chair and never woke up. I tried to resuscitate my mum but failed, I never cried, I think I was more concerned for my dad as he was used to mum doing everything for him and was devastated. I arranged the funeral and the wake and along with my sisters we sorted out mums stuff. During all of this I never cried and my family said I was holding it in and should go and see a counsellor, I disagreed because I think everyone grieves differently, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, you just go with how you feel, I had good days and bad days but never really broke down, even to this day, I have little weeps now and again if something reminds me of mum or a certain song comes on but it passes in a short while. You just need to take one day at a time and do what you feel not what others think you should do or feel.

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