This is a bit of a difficult one to start. My Grandpapy, who was more of a Dad to me died on the 27th December. He was admitted to hospital in October in need of a pacemaker and broke his back in a fall. He unfortunately wasn’t well looked after in hospital, not fed properly, not supervised taking medication, not treated for sepsis properly, left confused and worried on his own in isolation for weeks on end etc the list honestly just goes on.
He went in a jolly man, akin to Santa according to friends, a kinder soul you would never meet and a ‘big’ man at around 19.5 stone. He also had every single one of his marbles and was completely independent.
When we were invited in finally to be with him as he died he wasn’t recognisable. I estimate he was about 10 stone, his natural teeth were gone, his mouth was ‘stuck’ wide open. He looked like he was screaming with his head stretched right back too, but was barely conscious and it turns out in a diabetic coma, unbeknown to anyone. He was fitting throughout the last 3 days of his life too and not fed for any of it either. He tried to communicate but couldn’t move his jaw and couldn’t open his eyes. All he could do was squeeze my hand.
I can’t get the image of his face out of my mind, can’t get over the guilt of reassuring him he was okay during his last weeks in hospital as he told me things weren’t right and also keeping him calm whilst he was being hooked up to the morphine as a part of end of life care-I actually told him he would be alright, which kills me. He cried when I played him his and my Nans song and a couple from me and my cousins.
I can’t accept he is dead, he isn’t meant to be. I wasn’t done yet, neither was he. He put up a hell of a fight when we were with him.
Covid has stolen a year off us and then the ability to be able to intervene whilst he was in hospital. It has also robbed us of a church service and his choice of coffin at his funeral. Robbed us of inviting everyone to come to his funeral. There are hundreds that would love to, he was one of 8 children and him and Nan had 9 of their own. We have a huge family. When nan died we all sat together as one very large disorganised family for the 2 weeks after she died. This time around there is noone, we aren’t allowed.
I can’t grieve, I can’t cry, I can’t sleep. I’m not tired, hungry, happy or sad.
Will it ever get better?
Hi Charlie,
So sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandpapy, from the way you describe him he certainly sounds like a wonderful man.
I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone.
I lost my Mom on the 10th December, she went into hospital on the 26th November and had a routine operation on her bowel, which was successful, However she rapidly declined once in intensive care, leading to major organ failure and having to make the decision with my sisters to turn her machines off as Doctor’s said nothing more could be done.
Cause of death was unknown so she had a post mortem & turned out it was severe sepsis shock which started in the lungs. Mom was tested four times for sepsis and they said it wasnt that!
Anyhow I relate to what your going through, the poor care not being able to visit until the end and then that person not even looking like your loved one! I cant get the image out of my head of what I saw when I pulled back the curtain in the hospital, Mom’s eyes where rolled back and mouth wide open!
People keep saying focus on the good times, which I’m sure you get a lot to, but it’s so hard, very raw and what with Covid taking away the last year of time with our loved ones, very hard to accept with the added sadness of not having the funeral that they should of had & not being able to grieve with family.
I wish you well and know that you are not alone.
Your Grandpapy will be so proud of you reaching out & will watch over you always.
Xxx
Thank you so much for reaching out too.
I’m sorry to hear about your Mom too. It’s awful losing a parent, especially when it could have been prevented.
Its going to be a slow process, but we have made a formal complaint, they have to hold a formal investigation. If you have the strength I can only suggest you do the same.
Its maddening that things like this seem to be so common. Malnutrition actually is a big cause of death in hospitals for the elderly, the hospital doctor offered to put it on the death certificate if we accepted it, but we rejected the death certificate 3 times.
I keep trying to focus on the good times, like some have said, and I’m sure you’ve found too, it’s hard when you feel so guilty knowing how much your loved one suffered.
I plan to collate all my favourite photos of him and have them printed off to make a collage of him. I’ve written something to read out at his grav side ceremony too, because I feel like I never really had the chance to tell him everything I wanted to. He has been my rock, done everything a Dad should or could do, and more.
Rmemeber though that the grief, the desolate pain within your heart, is a testiment to how much you loved your Mom and how important she was. Those we love never truly leave us, they just get released from the pain of their earthly bodies. I’m not even religious or spiritual personally but I have felt Grandpapy near me so much since he has passed. I was the last in to see him after he passed and I swear I saw his soul leave his body, like he waited for me to go and say goodbye.
Things won’t always be so hard, but try and use the anger to get some justice if you can. That’s what we are doing Xxxxx
Oh my goodness. It sounds like you
Are suffering from Post traumatic stress . Please contact your gp and have some bereavement counselling. Please don’t feel guilty for telling him he would be okay, he was obviously scared and you were consoling him
I have gone through an identical situation.
My mum was 100, had all her marbles , lived independently . We were devoted. She went into hospital with a urine infection and died 16 days later of sepsis and was in agony and basically not treated for pain etc etc . Wicked . I have put in a formal complaint if you want to talk I can send you my number xx don’t feel alone
I’ve spoken to my doctor, they are aware of stress etc and negative effects on my asthma because grandad went into hospital end of October and I haven’t been right since then. I’ve never much got on with 1:1 counselling, that’s why I opted for this. As horrific and morbid as it might be, it’s nice to know I’m not alone in how I feel and it renews my energy to keep going for justice to see stories like your poor Mum’s. In sorry she suffered too, it leaves you feeling hollow doesn’t it.
He was scared, he had also always been terrified of dying so I reassured him about that too, played him music, sang to him, talked about memories and told him to go and find my Nan, that he had suffered enough.
I’m trying to slowly work through things so that I don’t become overwhelmed by it. He would want me to live for the both of us, so I’m going to do that as best I can.
Thank you for your kind words. Happy to share numbers and support each other, we have put in a formal complaint too and will be perusing with legal action xxxx
The problem is, I don’t know if there can be legal action if someone has had the funeral , as surely there would have to have been a post Mortem . Ask for his medical notes . I have .Get the feeling you are fairly young, probably my daughters age . Keep in touch. When we get more information we can swap numbers . Where do you live . Xxx
You can file a medical negligence claim up to 3 years after a death, you just need probate. We urged for a post mortem as it went over to the coroner and we have that now. Funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks though.
I’m 29 and in Hampshire 
yes, let’s xx
We never got the chance to have a post morgen but I have got a death certificate, with a very distressing cause of death . Basically she was screaming in agony for over 2 weeks and they didn’t give a damn . Just left me to be with her and get on with it . I insisted that I was going to be there as much as I wanted but it was so horrendous that will never forget it . They even left a door open in the next room , the day before she died and there was a body of a man that had just died and he was wrapped up from head to toe and face like a mummy:cry:
Cause of death for my grandad wasn’t even treated, so we are biding our time, requesting medical notes and gathering evidence for a legal case. The coroner only finds the cause of death anyway, not who causes it so often a post mortem doesn’t answer any questions. It hasn’t really for us either xx
And Grandad liked like he was muted screaming if I’m honest. His jaw stopped working