A thought that occurred to me this weekend, is that everyone with a partner has a 50% chance of jumping into this mess. Unless you die simultaneously holding hands at 105 years old, one partner is always going to be left do deal with the emotions and grief.
All those friends who showed sympathy for the first few weeks, it is very likely they will eventually find out just how painful loosing a partner can be.
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Thanks a lot for the messages. I managed to get myself up and shower. My stepdad was already here but at least I could go down not too late and I made the appointment.
The trainee wellbeing practitioner asked me loads of questions first like my ethnicity, if I was pregnant which was a bit upsetting(!!!) and what my sexuality was, if i was âaccessing any other servicesâ and after all that said she would have to terminate our session because I told her I have counselling booked. Oh well.
Naturally I did what I do best and cried so then she just kept asking if Iâm OK until I relented and put on my best act wishing her a nice day and saying I was fine so I could escape her.
On a positive note I feel calmer now after crying all these hours and the birds will be pleased as I will go and try putting out some fat balls and food, maybe sit in the garden watching the rain for a bit.
An hour or so ago I was in the depths of despair and now I am back to calm numbness on a Monday morning after telling a complete stranger whose job is still not quite clear to me that my husband is dead three months and no Iâm not pregnant or LGBTetc, its a weird life isnât it.
Hope you all have some good hours.
Thank you all I have a counselling session every fortnight but it is up to me to listen to them which I do but it has to sink in sometimes.
I gave up my job a year ago to look after Tanya which I would do again in a heartbeat so I have a lot of time to think.
@ fleur have you been in touch with any body for counselling as I dont quite understand what a wellbeing practitioner is it is Counselling you need.
The trouble is at the moment it through Zoom or tel & they cant really read your emotions.
Take care all & be safe.
I 'm lying in bed talking myself into getting up.
Every morning is like the film Groundhog day, realising again that this is real and youâre on your own and theyâre not coming back.
The utter loneliness is heartbreaking.
Even when friends and family do talk to me, I feel like âThankyou but go away now, its not you I want to talk to.â
I do get the calmness after the tears, but like you say its a numbness, like you distance yourself so you donât have to think about it. Xx
Need to go to the bank so need to get my a*** in gear oh and make myself eat. X Thinking of you all. X
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@Jacko25
I %100 agree with you it is like ground hog day.
The loneliness is horrible I have a 14 year old Daughter who has not got her Mum & bringing her up terrifies me as I wish Tanya was here to say you are doing a good Job & that is heartbreaking for me to see.
When anybody sees me they say how are you or your looking better I put my poker face on when I go out I will be polite & pleasant to people.
I have always have & always will put everyone before me but we all despite our grief need to look after our selfâs.
If I never had my Daughter my Mum & sister it could have gone a different way I would not have any thing to cling onto.
Take care & please keep posting it is hard not being able to see many people but stay safe.
Geoffs, really feel for you, not only coping with your grief but your daughters too. X
Iâm sure you will be doing the absolute best you can, which is all we can do. Take care and keep safe. X
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Hi FleyrDeLis
How did you get on with the well being person? I hope he/she had some ideas for you. Thinking of you.
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thank you @Bobmajor. The Trainee Wellbeing Person asked me a bunch of mildly distressing questions in a questionnaire (including whether I am pregnant, what sexuality I am! ) and then said she had to terminate the call because she didnât know I had a counsellor already and it is policy of all counsellors apparently that you cannot see more than one at a time for fear of overwhelm (hard to see how I could get more overwhelmed than I already am but fair enough). So I guess Trainee well being practitioner is NHS language for Counsellor but I am still not 100% sure!
It was quite disappointing after all the effort of getting up but at least I had my zoom appointment with my separate counsellor (through my work) later that same day and that one is much more switched on and sympathetic in her manner so that feels a lot more helpful. My computer sound didnât work however (my husband always used to sort this stuff for me) so then we had to do it over the phone but at least that was something. Now I am just waiting for next Monday for my next appointment and hoping the zoom works so we can see each other too.
How did your day go today?
Hi Fleur. I have been lying low and just feeling flat and unmotivated for a while but had to respond when I saw your post about the âWell being practitioner.â I know how desperately sad you are but you always have a great edge on life which I donât think you realise. I smiled when I read your comments about the questions you were asked. I am so like you and have to bring a bit of humour into our awful grief and I too had the same experiences with people who are âtrainedâ to help. How can you possibly train someone to deal with what we have suffered. I can always feel myself asking the questions they do such as " Do you think a voluntary job might help?" Or âIs there anyone you could talk to?â I told my last counsellor that I was feeling better just so I could get her off the phone. I am finding now that it is just better to face my pain at itâs very worst so that the next time I face a situation head on it wonât be quite as painful.In a way Covid has helped me to come to terms with my loneliness and now I feel quite comfortable not having to face anybody or talk about my grief. I have learned to live with the quiet still of doing things at my own pace and screaming when I want to, whereas this time last year I was busy planning my life for the next few minutes. I am still looking forward to meeting up with you in the near future so onwards and upwards to that. God knows what time it is now but I hope I have made a bit of sense
God bless.