When will this pain end ?

My soulmate died suddenly coming up to a year ago. The pain is still unbearable and I cry pretty much every very day. Friends and family think I’m doing so well but I’m not. I’m just waiting to join my partner and it can’t come quick enough. I would never take my own life but want my life to end. I realise she was my very reason for living. I don’t want to get up in the mornings. Without her what is the point ? I’ve always had a strong faith and have tried to be a good person, but it feels as if God is punishing me. I just want out.

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Hi Toby9jack,

I’m so sorry to hear about the death of your soulmate and how low you are feeling.

I think you could really do with some support and I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. Hopefully some of our other users will post some supportive replies soon.

There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org). They are not only for people who are having thoughts of suicide.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Cruse Bereavement offers a helpline, support groups, and one-to-one support.
(0808 808 1677 or helpline@cruse.org.uk)

You deserve care and support so please, Toby9jack, get in touch with one of these services.

If you ever feel you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,

Community Manager

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Hello Toby9jack, I’m very sorry to read your post. I have similar feelings myself from time to time, and miss my wife terribly. I don’t see this as a punishment though, just dreadfully bad luck.

I don’t know when the pain will end, and suspect it never will. However I do believe it will ease, and that eventually I will learn to live with it.

I have only got this far because of the support of family and friends, and I cannot repay that support by giving up. I have to keep going for their sake.

Our eventual release is inevitable - one of the few things guaranteed in life - but in the meantime trying to find something positive to do seems to be the best approach. The kindness shown by strangers on this site I find uplifting.

I hope you can find a way out of the obvious despair you are feeling and that you have a better day today. Best wishes to you



Its heart breaking to read these posts. My husband past away suddenly in 2003 at the age of 26 and if i’m honest I still have bad days and so does my 17 year old son. The pain never goes away but believe me you do learn to live with it. It changes your life forever and through the love of my son, family and close friends we are trying our best to get on with life as I know that is what my husband would want and Im sure your partner would also want the same for you

If you can open up and talk to a relative or close friend this will help as its helped me massively over the years


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After reading your post I am in tears… I’ve lost my mum and My Dad is so sad at losing my mum that he too wishes he could be with her. He talks to her and she doesn’t answer…I don’t know how you feel as losing a parent is inevitable but a partner is beyond my experience… You say you had a strong faith… I hope you don’t lose this… only us lucky ones meet our soul mate in life. I met mine and knew the moment I met him…Perhaps you can speak to someone to help you not feel like you are being punished…this is not your fault and my Dad and I are now paying the price at having our lovely mum in our lives. Please talk to someone…X

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Perhaps I should’ve told the whole story. My partner died 20th of this month. 3 days later I had a cardiac arrest and was given a 5% chance of survival. I did survive, but my heart is so damaged I had to give up the job I loved because it was too stressful. We intended retiring to Cornwall this year, however because we weren’t married and all our savings were in my partners account, her family took the lot. You can see why I feel I’m being punished. The love of my life and all my hopes for the future, gone. I have been to Cruse, who were fantastic. Maybe it’s the anniversary coming up that’s making me feel this way.
Thank you for your kind words.

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That’s so awful Toby9jack, it’s not surprising you feel you are being punished with all that going on. Money really can bring out the worst in people. I’m glad Cruse have been able to help you and you cope with the anniversary. Words seem so inadequate sometimes. Best wishes to you.

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Dear Toby9jack

I’m almost two years into my loss and the words you write could just as well have been written by me. I too find life now just a case of marking time till I can join her.

As you will know know matter what anyone says … It does not get better … however I know that the same god who took her away is the one that also allowed me to find my true soulmate in this life time … so very few ever do that. The pain is so much because the love we experienced was so great.

Whenever I do get thoughts of how I could expedite that happy day when I am with her again she immediately steps in as my barometer that tells me that what pain she would be in if I harmed myself. I love her too much to cause her the pain that I now feel.

I am comforted by faith and the love of closed ones but above all I am cherished by the memories I have of our 27 years together … what did I ever do to deserve that … nothing … just as I have done nothing to deserve the pain of her loss. Her words in her final days give me hope … this life as we know it is transitory and that she will be waiting for me in the everlasting hereafter. Whether this happens or not … just get saying this comforts me in the knowledge that perhaps I was able to show her how much I loved her.

Please do reach out whenever you need to chat.


HI Toby Jack,

Your words reflect my feelings almost entirely. My wife only died on 2nd June this year; she was 44, brilliant, kind and beautiful. I was lucky to even know her. Now I am totally lost. She had faith, sadly I have had, though now I find myself yearning for the security of a future reunion.

All we can do is carry on as best as we can.

Take care,


Hello Toby9jack. Yes, im in the same boat unfortunately. My loving Wife of 46yrs passed April this year. It is like you say, just waiting until reunited again, that’s all that seems to matters. One thing i did find helped me was making a tribute web site for her, its free, and you can very easily insert photos and music, write thoughts and stories, light tribute candles ect. Its a lovely place to go to, plus you can allow guests to access the site if wanted… http://mnd.muchloved.org/gateway/muchloved-charitable-trust.htm. …John

Hi toby9jack, I am so sorry and a little scared at reading your post. My soulmate husband also died very suddenly only four weeks ago and I don’t know where to turn or how I am going to go on living without him. He was a wonderful husband abut I cannot see a life forward without him. It must be awful if after a year you are still feeling the same. My thoughts are with you. Xx

Just been reading all the comments about meeting our partners again in the future. My faith has got me thriugh this traumatic time and I dont know how I could have survuved without it. I truly believe we will be eventually reunited with our loved ones . My husband said to me death will not part us as thats what keeps me going amongst all the tears and sorrow Im going through.
May God be with us all, Katy

Hi Lynne 111

So sorry for the loss of your husband.
I understand what your going through!!
I lost my husband, who was also my soulmate on the 7th May. He passed away so suddenly, no warning…
I can’t imagine my life without him.
It is so heartbreaking to know we found our soulmates and they were taken away from us so sudden. Life can be so cruel.
I don’t know how I’ve got through the last 3 months!!, but I don’t look too far ahead
I just take one day at a time.

My daughter suggested meditation, it does has help me cope with the constant anxiety.
I’m also still taking prescribed medication, but hoping to reduce it when I feel ready…
It’s not for everyone but it helps me cope a little better at the moment.

Take care x

Hello Toby9jack. I so understand, for me too a lot of the time it has been just waiting till I see him again. It is 20 months now. I have kept busy, exhausted myself with all the different things I go to to fill my time so I don’t just sit and think. But I can see I have made progress. And I do feel so lucky to have had him in my life. People refer to him as my soulmate and I do realise that many people never find their soulmate. It has been difficult going past each significant date but again, I plan for the day so I am not sat around going downhill, and it does seem the anticipation is the worst part of it. Keep talking to people here and you may find there are groups around such as Way Up - it is worth investigating. Take care. Trish

Lost my brother suddenly 4 years ago. Am in hell. Cannot see a time when I will be trully happy again and yes, the only things keeping me going are those who are left with me and though I am not particularly religious, holding on to the thought that we will be reunited again one day when my time comes. I want to be with friends but make excuses not to socialise. I get angry very easily with minor things in life and why this has happened to my family. However, I know that I am one of millions in this situation and that millions more have it even worse if that can be imagined. So got to buckle up and get on with it because though he has gone, for some reason I am still here.

Sorry Toby9jack I ranted on about my problems without addressing yours. When they say time is a healer, my experience is that the pain will always be there in some form but you learn mechanisms to cope with it and function. Each bereavement is different and deeply personal and she will always be your soulmate. In time, you should find happiness again - a different happiness but one nevertheless. This is not to diminish or tarnish what you had with her but the natural order of things. You need to be the best person you can be in honour of her and the prize I guess in the end is that we are all back together as one after our days. Wear your mask for the ones you have left who know you - it will slip from time to time but shit happens. There is no right or wrong way to feel and guilt is among those emotions you’ll need to conquer - not because you have done anything to warrant it but the guilt you feel when you smile, laugh at a joke or have an interval where you do feel good. “Not lost just gone ahead” - a phrase on my brother’s memorial that I cling on to for comfort because we all end up in the same place. I heard someone else say that in Heaven, decades are like minutes to loved ones awaiting our arrival. Live out your decades first and make her proud.