Yup. That is a platitude that is often said to me. Most often peddled by those who are (maybe) well intentioned but have absolutely no idea as to the horror of bereavement.
My life is a tricky concept, as it was actually a composite: My life and Christine’s inextricable bound. There was no notion of a separate “my life”. So as Christine is no longer by my side, my life has ceased. It is empty.
I understand these feelings of “can’t carry on, don’t want to carry on”. You are not alone in them. It is a continuous struggle. It is exhausting.
I can’t get used to the fact that her things keep turning up in the house 10 months on, I’ve just thrown a bottle of shampoo and conditioner away that I overlooked in the bathroom, all of her clothes, shoes etc. went to charity a while ago but many things, cooking, cleaning etc. have to be kept and some are just as Joan left them, if they can be here why can’t she? the madness of grief.
I hope that eventually I may be able to have some kind of social live but I went to the pub one sunday afternoon with my brother in law and could not put up with all the stupid conversations that people were having, I listened and thought ‘how can you talk about such crap when my Joan has died ?’ I left early.
It has become obvious to me that the vast majority of people are uncomfortable with us and grief, sometimes even those people who have experienced grief in the past, for me, who has never lived alone, and never did any of the domestic work, washing, ironing, cooking etc. it has all become a bit of a joke, I sorted all of the decorating, car stuff, finances etc, I also looked after Joan, and I mean really looked after her.
Any problem she brought to me would be sorted out either by me , someone who was a professional or spending any money we had to get it sorted. A major regret for me is that I cannot look after her any more and she loved to look after me.
I understand how you feel, life is a bitch…now.
I had been on a different thread, my husband died 2 months ago but I don’t think anyone expressed the wish to end it.
I definitely feel I want to end my life and am waiting for my GP appointment next Wednesday to see if he has anything to offer.
I have 3 children but the one nearest geographically is a chronic depressive so I am not allowed to be depressed. My other two children live at a distance, are very loving but what I want is someone take me in to look after me.
Added to how I feel is that I have macular degeneration and am losing my sight, I had always thought my husband would be there to help me.
Anyway I do not understand why wanting to die is so unreasonable to everyone else who doesn’t understand the depth of depression. I visited an old friend yesterday who lost her husband in 2005 and still is struggling.
December 8 would have been our golden wedding, and the idea of Christmas is unbearable.
People say suicide is an angry act, of course it is but not at any person just at a situation.
I am really sorry that you are feeling so desperate after the death of your husband. I can well understand the ghastliness of it all. I have suffered with depression pretty much my entire life and have had to have stays in hospital when I was feeling especially desperate. I am good friends with depression and no longer fear it. Come January it will be two years since my gorgeous wife Christine died.
That you have managed to arrange an appointment with your GP to discuss how desperate you are feeling is a good thing in itself but also (and I personally would say more importantly) because it signifies that although you are feeling that you want to end your life there is none the less a part which want’s to continue living and therefore is seeking some means by which that can be achieved. Aside from your GP, you may find it helpful to give the Samaritans a call or AgeUK (I think they also have a help line). I think there is additional support which is available via this site which maybe a moderator will step in and signpost for you.
Personally I do not think it at all unreasonable. I know the pit. It is truly a horrendous place. No rational being would possibly want to endure the life in such a place. But equally, any creatures that did not have a fundamental wish to survive would go extinct very quickly. So I suggest that there is a tension between wanting to live and the wish for death. But then again, maybe it is not a wish for death, rather a wish for release from suffering, from feeling so utterly awful? There is a difference I suggest.
It is still very early days into grief. I suspect that you will not really be thinking rationally at the moment, and probably not for a long time to come. Certainly for me I am still aware that this is the case so approach any decision that is effectively irrevocable with huge caution.
I hope that you find what I have said of some help. Of course I would be happy to talk further. I would encourage you to keep posting to this forum as the folk here understand what you are saying. Just say what you are feeling.
Best wishes to you.