My beloved partner past on the19th June. She said lets have a good summer. Cancer made sure she never got to see her last summer. Its gone the quickest I have ever known. I am still in deep shock cant be around people as yes all they say is it will get better for who I ask she is never coming back. I am scared of what the next 25 years brings me. I want to scream but cant. I go in the garden back in again go take jack for a walk come back and my head goes again thinking what if what if. I have to go back to work in 2 weeks. That drive to work will be the hardest knowing she is not there anymore. Being at work I know someone will say those wordsā¦ how are youā¦ work will be good for youā¦ it will get betterā¦ I am in shock,distraught,no works not good for me. It wont get better she still died not here with meā¦ so plz dont ask me if you do expect a very long answer which in fact will be longer than my shiftā¦ thats how I feel still shocked upset numb angry want her here house is quiet no soul. How dare life carry on then Xmas on its way I understand life goes on but for me now its stopped and I cannot seem to press forward the guilt is overpowering. Sorry to go on and on. Just that everything seems to carry on and I feel like I am in a dream when out in lidis I get items these are less and less each time I go in. Keep thinking she should be here then I have to leave. Then home then bed. Cant go on like this for ever.
Thank you all I know we all are going through this. This will be with me forever how on this earth do people move onā¦more to the point whyā¦
Oh Rosiejack, so much of what you have written resonates with me, itās so raw. Iām 50 days further along this path.
I describe being like a scene from Gulliverās Travels, strapped down on my back, incapable of movement, being carried along by lots of little people. The little people are friends, family, colleagues, the lady in the shop who let me talk, the Bereavement Advisor, the man in the car park, anyone who lets me talk about my very special person, lets me cry, lets me visit them so Iām not alone. Use them, even if you were self sufficient with your loved one before, like me.
Have a look at āVancouverāsā posts, he is further along than us. He has a beautiful way with words to describe this awful experience. Sending you love x
How do you access a particular personās post to have a look at?
Iāve just been working it out. Tap the magnifying glass at the top, tap on topic, now tap Users and you should be able to access posts. Iām clearly not alone, thereās some lovely posts to him there. Iām learning how to navigate this site,ā¦ my life, the world, you name it! x
Hi Mrs C
Thank you. I really do feel people here am seeing someone from force wed. Will try and explain how I feel. Will know if it helps in some sort of way. Just cant bear to here somethings I know will upset me. Just cant get my head around being told she had back lung and liver cancer and past away less than 4 weeks after. Never seen anyone pass so quickly. I could not find my way put of the hospital. Even though I work on site. No idea how I drove home. Still think its 19th June as thats when 34 years just fluttered away. I remember coming home in the early hours. Thinking what happended where was I. Now its sept. No really where did the summer go. Its like time is spinning ahead. I need to digest what has happended to me. Why did this happen. I know when I go back to work I do not want people asking me anything. Here I am wide awake watching a farm programme. Head throbbing wondering if tomorrow will be the same as the last 9 weeks. Empty motionless. The thought of the festive seson fills me with dread. Not too sure how anyone wants to carry on. Two weeks ago I had to put our english springer down she was 15 and 6 months. My bedroom has 2 boxes of ashes now. Dear rosie was an old girl but sad and very upsetting. We were a family of 4 now 2. Jack very scared and never leaves my side. I do keep thinking whos next. For now we have each other. No strength to do anything. Body aches where I have laid in bed till jack wakes me. Like I said how do people move on . I know everyone is different but sorry no idea how I can move on my tinnitus has remained. Cant shift it as I know its stress. Canāt shift the stress as shes not here anymore. Tablets are a short term measureā¦ I will never be the same. Only functioning as a half person x
Yes it is s good you figured it out because I try and do tricky I.T. stuff but get stumped which sets me off on a downturn. Silly but true. See if I can make it work.
Well yes I used to think like you did and still get problems but to reply about how quickly someone dies. My father went in hospital and a week later he had passed away just so ill. That was 30 years ago. My husband was in hospital five weeks and passed away. (Nov 22). My mum died instantly all those years ago and that was quick too.
Sleepy now. My cat has just come in.
Hi Rosiejack, you are in the heart of your grief.
I am further on than you 18 months now and the muddled fog does lift. I found routine does help. I used to shop and clean , forget what Iād gone for and clean to keep busy but slow down or you will exhaust yourself- I can say that with hindsight
Why do you feel guilty? This is not a life you have chosen . We have to make the most of what we have. I talked to my husband incessantly for many months and still do on those days when I feel I cannot live this life. Try and open up to people they do want to help. Tell them about her keep her memory alive.
You will get there. Keep talking on here. Sending hugs.
Thank you. Is it me or is time running us a mock. Still stuck on 19th june. Nights are not drawing in they are draw in good and proper. How does anyone get through month after month. Am seeing someone from force tomorrow. Went for a walk today talking to my partner about my plans. Shaking my head. I really dont know how people survive something like this and carry on. Now the weathers changing need to go out daily cannot stay in unless the telly is on. Work now in 2 weeks. Tinnitus remains in tact. I know people are saying one day at a time. But its so hard. Everyone here is so kind and fully understand things. Dont want to accept it. Thats how I am coping still have a yogurt in the fridge from June. X
Wish I had answers for you. I donāt. But I can say it eases. I lost my wife and soulmate in February and can relate to pretty much everything you say but with time things do seem to be calming down. I hope they do for you.
Dave
Life does settle down to a new normal and we have to go with it. They wouldnāt want us to give up. So we need to support each other moving forward. Taking the ever changing grief with us and begin a new different life.
Feel so sorry for you but I have little to say to make you feel any better. I am now 9mths down the line and feel worse now than I did at the beginning. So much to deal with when it happens then reality seeps in. I am not lonely but am alone. I hope you get some kind of peace.
Hi H
9 months I know what you mean. Just been out for a walk. As usual seen couples walking there dog. I really dont know shaking my head where ever I go. Yes there is so much to deal with. Been told will take months so just trying to get through each day but its like walking up hill backwards. Escaping by watching tv. But then I realize this is my life and I need to get a grip but the thought of actually accepting what has happened I do not think it will help. Friends are ok but do get bored I can see it in there eyes. But to me shes still here and I cannot accept. Hope you manage to find peace. I dont think any amount of time will heal. As june 19th my world stopped how I managed to drive home I will never know. Take cares
I am sorry to hear you saying that āWe were a family of 4 now 2ā. It must be very difficult. Our family is similar, although it is me rather than our children. I lost my husband in March, one of our two children just left home, and the other one will leave home next year, which means I will be alone in the house this time next year.
After my husband had his last breath in the hospital, I drove home with our children. I do not know how I managed. But I knew he would have been extremely angry and sad if I had an acceident. I hated the fact that time without him, seconds, munuites, and then hours and days - were being accumulated. I miss his voice, presence and everything about him. It is a shame that we cannot turn the clock back. But life goes on.
Take care. I believe we all feel what you are feeling.
https://www.youtube.com/@Griefjourney
Something like this might help:
