Where do I go from here?

Coping with bereavement
#1

My wife of nearly 40 years died a month age in the Critical Care Section of the local hospital. My wife’s and my own family have been wonderful but they all live a considerable distance away, 150 to 200 miles. Although they have offered help I feel it is unfair to impose on them. Also they could not help with the desolation at 4am every morning tossing around just waiting for dawn.

For 40 years we did everything together, do I throw myself into all the activities we did together? But that feels unfair because she isn’t there, or do I try to find new interests and when should I start. At the moment I find it difficult just to put a brave face on never mind trying to socialise.

#2

Hello Solo, I am so sorry to hear about your wife/soul mate. It is to early for you to know what to do or were to start, you need to give yourself time to come to terms with your loss. The way you are at present is exactly like I was and still have days that aren’t good. Give yourself time, there are so many things to do and deal with that require your attention. The future will wait till you are ready to deal with it. The early morning or even the late night thing is a big problem because you need your sleep. My advice is to get up, make a pot of tea and go back to bed, read for a short while and then bed yourself down again, sometimes it works, others I get up and get moving generally on things that have been worrying me. There’s no fast rules to this grieving thing, it’s trial and see what works for you but you need time and to look after yourself. People say excise is good, walking in the country side but it can be very hard just leaving the house. Everyone on this site have been there, so there is always lots help. Do think about you.
Take care S

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#3

Thanks Susie123 it helps to know that you are not in unique situation but it doesn’t alter how I feel, in the short term at least.

#4

Its very hard and I am in the same situation. I recently came back from a holiday and was the only single on on it -I too go to bed early read then get up and spend the day alone and think there has got to be more to life than this -but what?

#5

I am in a very strange space after yesterday I feel I have been in a fog for the past month which has taken the edge off my grief.
Yesterday I came home about 6.30 pm and went to look at the primroses that I had planted in the front garden. They were a particular favorite of my wife. The primroses are a profusion of colour and I suddenly thought she will never see them in all their glory. The unfairness hit me with the force of a train and I had to go into the house to cry.
I feel I have moved from an intelectual acceptance of my wife’s death to an emotional one and this is a much harder place to be.
I am fortunate in some ways that I can fill my days as I play golf, at least I will when the rain stops. But not the early hours of the morning, at best I sleep until 4 am and then lie there until 6 am. After nearly forty years of marriage where do you start to pick up the pieces and when?

#6

I lost my wife of 25 years with no warning only 4 weeks ago at the age of 49.
I am feeling the same emotions evenings and early mornings are currently the worst for me.
I know it sounds weird but they are just starting to build new houses behind where we live and it struck me that she will never see how it looks. And she loved the lighter evenings and she died the day the clocks went forward.

#7

Its 18 months since my partner died and I still cry every day and it doesnt seem to get any easier. I have thought about moving but where would I go and would it only make things worse. There doesnt seem any answer to grief I think we all have to TRY and get through it and hope the next day will be better than the one before and one day wake up and feel much stronger. Good luck

#8

Kis, you are so right, it never goes away but it does get easier. I had to think, was I living in the right place, should I downsize, even have two homes. After a long time thinking I came to the conclusion that there wouldn’t be any where better than here and anyway this was/is our home, made by us and for us. So with that I had made my decision, stay put for as long as I can and just hope my next move would be in a cardboard box up to the crematorium. This was what I had to tell our two sons who both live overseas, they now know. And sorry I still have days that I cry or don’t want to go out side. But easier, yes. I think it’s down to the relationship you had, soul mates is what I believe. Just remember that you have had the very best you could have, all that love and that never goes away, so why should your loss go away overnight, it can’t. Sorry if it seems hard but keep smiling it is easier than crying.
Blessings S

#9

Richard, only 4 weeks, it is still so raw and you have lots to think about and do. Those first few weeks and months are the hardest and you just can’t see the future but honestly there is one. Even now I think how nice it would be to tell my love about this or that, love will never go away. I told Kis, what we have had will never go away.
Blessings S

#10

Hello Solo. I too have trouble staying asleep, so I sympathise with you. I have been awake since 4am and didn’t go to bed until after midnight. I am so tired in the daytime but still can’t sleep at night. I take a sleeping pill everyone and then just for one good night’s sleep. I don’t know what the answer is either. Let’s hope that it passes.

#11

Hello Solo. I too have trouble staying asleep, so I sympathise with you. I have been awake since 4am and didn’t go to bed until after midnight. I am so tired in the daytime but still can’t sleep at night. I take a sleeping pill every now and then just for one good night’s sleep. I don’t know what the answer is either. Let’s hope that it passes.

#12

Hi Solo, I lost my wife, my soul mate of 45 years, 6 months ago due to a misdiagnosis. She’d still be here if they’d removed the mole when she first asked. Everything you are feeling and wondering about is exactly what everybody else on this forum is going through. I thought it was just me - was I being weak, should I be over it by now? It was this site that made me realise I was normal and other people loved their lost family members/friends just as much as me. I’ve cried every day for the last 6 months, spent a lot of that time just sat on the sofa and hit the bottle more times than I’d care to admit to. Like you, the despair at times was overwhelming and to be honest, if Dignitas had been local, I probably would have paid them a visit. BUT my wife would have been very upset if I had so I haven’t done anything stupid. Like you, we did everything together, even driving to the dump was enjoyable because we were together. I miss the stroke of her hand on mine, her smile, her smell and her hugs (I’m crying now). Her coat is still hanging where she left it and her shoes.
As for your activities, what you do is up to you. People will give you advice but what you need to do - or not do - is what works for you. You don’t need to make any hard decisions now. I wanted to smash up all my ‘stuff of interests’ at first because I realised they weren’t important, I’d lost the only thing that was really important to me. I’m still not into them. We used to do gardening together, now all those plants just remind me that she’s not here.
I resigned from work and retired, I wouldn’t be able to cope with dealing with people/customers anymore but I think I’m starting to begin to cope.
I don’t cry now when I see her favourite things in the supermarket anymore, they just remind me of how sad I am.
We are going through the worst time of our lives, its happened to everyone before us and will happen to everybody in the future and all that can be done for us is to say “Hang on in there, eventually it will get easier to cope.”

#13

Thank you Haitch for your courage in responding with such honesty. It is a tremendous help to know that your individual pain is not unique.

#14

sometimes we rush this process. it is a painful and profound process that cannot be rushed. we can only go through it. we have to accept the pain that comes with it as we have no other choice. it is there. take it easier on yourself. do not blame yourself for the pain or sleeplessness. it is part of the grief.

#15

I know what you mean about new buildings, I lost my lifelong partner 6 weeks ago.
One set of neighbours have moved out, they’re building a supermarket just down the road from us that hadn’t been started when he went. There is a new block of flats just completed up the road and they’re clearing a site for industrial units where he used to walk the dog. After years of no changes it’s all changing so quickly and I hate it. The same with summertime - he always used to complain about changing the clocks but he loved the long summer evenings when we could go out. I leave the radio on low overnight and listen to LBC /radio 4 sometimes it helps me drift off or distracts me other times it just annoys me. I hope this helps I’m really struggling now my whole life seems to have been wiped out, like you my loss was so sudden with no warning. x

#16

Do you find it’s the thing’s we used to see as small and insignificant that affect us the most.
when I go to the supermarket I well up with tears when I walk past the popcorn because we always had to make sure we always had some.
today I went to our local Costa for the first time without Sharon and I started to cry in front of the poor lady serving.

#17

Yes, Richard, it is usually something small that sets us off. I also get upset when I go to Tesco and pass the things my husband liked. He died last June after we had been married for 66 years and I am still in pieces. The other day I was looking for a notebook in which to make a list. I found one and when I opened it, it was covered in notes he had made when we were going to redecorate our home. I just went to bits. I feel so foolish when I break down and cry but it is apparently a good, and normal thing to let our grief come out. Crying is supposed to be good for us but it makes me feel exhausted.

I wish we could all find peace but that isn’t likely for some time yet. Meanwhile, posting on here helps. Take care of yourself and keep posting. Warm regards. Eileen

#18

Hi Haitch
I’m truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife as you can see I’m still sitting reading on line because my mind is racing about the things that we are all going through.
When I read your post it made me smile when you said about going to the dump I also went with my husband and we would do the garden together.
I cry most days now as like you I miss my husband with every fibre of my body I miss his beautiful blue eyes his laugh I miss his arm holding me and telling everything will be ok .
I don’t live on the mainland and we’re I live there are cliffs at the bottom of the croft and there were times in the last 5 months that I so wanted to just step of them but like you I didn’t do anything stupid because I knew my husband would be so upset if he thought his passing had made me stop going on with my life .
I don’t listen to advice from many people as most of the time they haven’t lost a love one .
So I get up and try every day to move slowly forwards I can’t imagine this pain will ever go or the loss will become less but like everyone else I just get bye take care .
Lily

#19

My thoughts are with you all , I lost my husband on 15/04/2018 ,after 11 weeks in hospital & 50 days in icu, I feel like I am in a nightmare looking down on myself , it’s like my world has stopped but everyone else is just getting on with their lives& it’s so unfair , reading all of your story’s make me realise the emotions & feelings I am having are normal x

#20

Hi bell1963
I am truly sorry for your loss of your husband you have been through a horrendous journey and you loss is so recent watching the person we love our soul mates go through such a heartbreaking time in hospital is such a nightmare with every second you are praying for them to get better even when you know that this isn’t the out come .
I can assure you we all feel like our world stops when my husband passed in November I wanted to scream at people asking why has the world not stopping my life is over my heart is broken but that’s not how it goes .
I have screamed shouted cried in my house pleaded and prayed over the last five months .
This is a journey we must all go through I hope you have people round you to give you support as you are going to need it please take time and don’t be hard on your self it’s not a race you can’t rush it and you can’t put it to one side and come back to it when you fell stronger . Don’t put a face on things and if your asked how you are tell the truth we seem to worry about other peoples feelings don’t it’s your grief private to you take your time thinking of you .
Lily