Where do I start?

Hi I’ve just joined the group and have such a long and complicated story but found out my mum died over a week ago, my brother didn’t tell me. I only found out a few months ago my father died 13 years ago. My brother didn’t tell me that either. I’m not coping and not grieving as I have such anger inside, I just can’t feel anything else. I don’t know if anyone has time to find out more and see if they have any advice, but I’m so lost and I don’t feel like me anymore I feel like I’m someone else and I know I need help. Thank you for reading this.


Hello @Catsareforlife,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and your dad. It is completely understandable that you are feeling so angry. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that might be helpful.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,


Just read your post and wanted to reach out to you. Grief and the shock of it despite the circumstances is always very difficult to process. Families are all different and have different circumstances and only you know what why and if etc. For now you need to concentrate on yourself and try to get through the shock of it all.
The anger will ease but only with time.
My mum died last Dec and I feel angry with lots of things but it has eased a little over the months.
Will your brother let you know the funeral arrangements and involve you ?
Post on here whenever you want because there are some lovely people who know what you are going through and will help and support you.
I am thinking of you
Deborah x

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I’m so sorry for your losses do you and your family not get along cus I don’t understand why your own brother wouldn’t tell about your parents passing that’s so cruel

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Hi, thank you for reaching out. Strap in it’s a long story - sorry… Sadly my mother and I fell out 6 years ago over a Mother’s Day card she didn’t like and we did not speak again. We exchanged birthday and Christmas cards, and there were also letters. I kept mine upbeat and informative, and asked many times if we could sort it. Her responses were vile, insulting and just the criticising bully she had been since I was a child. My brother didn’t speak to her for 25 years when she married my stepfather, as he hated him. I however absolutely adored him. When he died my brother sloped back in - admitting to me he didn’t like my mum either, but returned to favourite child status who could do no wrong. Sadly my brother is a true narcissist and I couldn’t cope with all that involved, so walked away from him as well.
Out of nowhere my mothers’ neighbour phoned me as she was surprised I hadn’t been down to mums bungalow. That’s when I learned she had died on the 26th April. By pure chance a friend found the funeral was the following day. My husband and I managed to go (uninvited) and my brother totally blanked me. The funeral was like a one man all about me show. As my husband said he needed a silver jacket and rotating bow tie and it would have finished it off. I was so angry at the fake caring and ‘look at me’ performance and the disrespect to my mum, I couldn’t think about her or say goodbye in my head. All I was able to do when everyone left was apologise to her for what just happened.
We were gobsmacked all the way home. We went to her bungalow and my brother had ransacked it, taking everything.
So here I am, angry, disgusted, guilty, and so lost. I can’t process it. She was in hospital for 5 weeks before she died. Why could he not be a bigger person and text me? He robbed the chance for me to see her., I was treated like a stranger. Apparently she did want to contact me but was worried that might upset him, so she chose not to. She’d rather keep her son. Nothing is sinking in, it’s not real. I don’t know where she will be scattered so I have nowhere to go to make my peace. And everytime I think of her - this intense anger just blocks all feeling and reality out. I’m in a really dark place…

Hi. This is so awful, it brings tears to my eyes. You must be in such torment, I am so sorry. It also sounds very complicated. I hope you have other family, partner or friends around to support you?

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This is just heartbreaking. I have no words as it’s so sad.
Can you visit a church and make your peace ? Just a thought.
I am thinking of you and hope you keep strong and look after yourself We are all here for you
Deborah x

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I’m so sorry that your going through that’s what a complete and utter bastard sorry but that so out of order send a ballon up and write a message to each of them on it and send it up or like someone else said visit a church and make your peace that way I’m sickened by your brothers actions that a very hurtful spiteful thing he’s done my heart breaks for you it really dose I’m so sorry sending big hugs sorry about the language but that makes my blood boil xxx

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Well said Sonya24,
It has to be one of the most heartbreaking posts I have ever read. Karma is bound to find a way to solve this
Deborah x

Thank you for the messages. Today was another day. We are having what little is left cleared from her bungalow, and I saw the state of it, but it would seem she was living in a real state and that is so unlike her. She was called “the duchess” and was too proud to live in filth, but it was bad… she was so stupid. I used to see her all the time and all she had to do was reach out. But she couldn’t risk the sacrifice of my brother? He’s 63 (but fit) and clearly did nothing to look after her. I don’t drink but I just feel drunk all the time. It’s like having a form of dementia, I just can’t remember stuff. But don’t worry about calling him a bastard, I’ve used a few choice words myself. I’d like to confront him, but he lives on a boat which is security locked so I can’t get at him. But he won’t give me the answers I need to get some sort of closure. If he sees I’m in any pain he will just feed off that.
Am I ok opening up like this? I see other messages are quite short? I don’t want to drive people mad by off loading. My husband is great, but too close to it. I have a friend I couldn’t do without but she’s quite dismissive about death, so I don’t really have anyone to talk to? I love the balloon idea by the way. They loved playing golf and were members of our local golf club before she moved, so that’s where they need to be let off, so thank you for that idea! :purple_heart:

Hi Catsareforlife,
Please don’t work about offloading on here.
All the emotions you are going through are expected with grief and shock. Opening up is fine as this site is for everyone.
Everything you are going through is so so sad.
Sometimes even the cleanest and most house proud of people end up slipping into strange ways and not cleaning much as they get older. My Gran started to do that and she was the cleanest person on the planet.
It seems your mum was under the spell of your brother and maybe was too afraid to reach out to you. Who knows ?
Did she have carers or Social workers calling with her at all or neighbours?
I also love the balloon idea.
You could even hold your own wake for your mum with just a few family and friends. That way you are in control of a little send off for her and I am sure she will be looking down on you. Maybe hold it in your garden or have a picnic somewhere where you could gather a few friends together. And it doesn’t have to be right now. Organise something when you feel stronger
Thinking of you
Deborah x

Hi, sorry I’ve disappeared for a few days. I’ve been really struggling with this insane anger over the whole thing and I’m just stuck.
The usual process is someone gets ill. they die, you arrange a funeral with lots of flowers and people that really care, then you have a wake and start the healing process? I can’t do that because that didn’t happen for me. I like a beginning a middle and an end. I’m now having to go through her address book and write to people who would probably have liked to be at her funeral to let them know she died, and apologise because I’ve only just found out, and god how embarrassing is that!
The only people that were there were my brothers alcoholic friends, so at least one of us has the decency to contact people who have a right to know.
I just wish I could get rid of this anger. It physically hurts and is weighing me down. The balloon idea is a go, but when I’m in a better place. It’s her birthday beginning of next month, so hopefully it can be done then.
Jo x

Hi Catsareforlife,

You need to heal yourself first before you tackle anything else. Be kind to yourself and look back on the good times and memories. There is no point dwelling on all the horribleness of everything that has happened because you will make yourself ill. Do whatever you can to get yourself stronger and take your time in doing everything. Small steps ok.
I can understand the anger you are experiencing and it does drag a person down and down. But don’t let that happen to you.
Try to find something that takes the anger away just for a little while . Try going on a short walk somewhere, reading, sitting somewhere with a nice view, listening to music, starting a hobby or anything that will take you out of the anger for a short while.
Remember your mum with all the thoughts of when you were with her and that doesn’t have to be recently. Look back at old photos and remember the good times. That is what she would want you to do I am sure.
There is nothing you can do to change your brothers behaviour and the more you think about it the worse it will be and your own health will suffer. Park it in a make believe box and shut the lid tight. That’s how I have dealt with things in the past and hell it works.
You have a new on line family now who care so much about you an dare here for you
Big hugs
Deborah x