Who am I now?

I am sure many will understand how I am feeling but does anybody have answers…
For the first 22 years of my life there were many changes…the baby, the toddler, school years and exams etc. And tradegy to cope with. And then I met the man with whom I would spend the next 44 years of my life. Those years with Ronald had challenges which we helped one another to cope with. There were also many amazing times and fabulous memories which I cherish.
But who am I now? Some days I am a weeping, unconfident person in ‘whatever/who cares’ mode. Other days there are moments when I berate myself for weeping yet again - most definitely this is not how Ronald would wish me to be - but he knew me so well and would understand how I am coping.
I don’t like this new person - the grieving widow - but that is who I am for now and I try to embrace this life of being me.
I want it to change from the one of sadness and so just keep on going and moving forwards. Perhaps today the sun will shine and there will be joy in the day!
A start will be to actually get up and dressed and choosing to be positive!
I wish you all a joyful day and something/someone to help bring a smile to you.
Hugs!
xCarole

Hello Carole, I know just how you feel. Since our husbands died, we are lost, we were clever, intelligent women when we had our husbands beside us, now we have lost all our confidence and double think everything we do. Have I turned the lights off, did I lock the door, the list goes on. It is not because we are stupid, it is because we have lost the one person that made our lives worth living and our minds are whirring around so much there isn’t room for intelligent thinking.

After nearly four years without my husband, I am not much better than I was when he died, yes, I took the plunge and gave his clothes away to a charity, albeit it 2.1/2 years after he died, but I still have everything else he ever owned and they are going nowhere.

As the years roll by, leaving him behind is killing me, I am terrified that as I go into the future on my own, Peter is moving further and further away from me and he will get so far away that I won’t be able to remember his face without looking at his photograph.

There is no cure for grief, people say the pain of it may soften in time, but I don’t think there is enough time in the world for that to happen to me. You can’t love someone, with all your heart and soul and then expect to get over their death in a matter of months or even years, it is with you forever.

So, we get up, do what needs doing, and live our lives to the best of our ability because at the end of the day, what else can we do.

I am so sorry Carole, I honestly wish I could tell you that after nearly four years without my husband of 47 years I am now fine and enjoying life, because it would be a lie.

Love,

Sheila x

Sheila,

My heart breaks for you. What you’ve said about Peter moving further away from you as the years go by and being four years on and still struggling so much is so sad.

I was with my partner for 47 years and lost him suddenly 7 weeks ago, I dread the years ahead, I know I’m going to feel the same as you do. My whole life has gone.

Today was earmarked on the calender, it would have been his favourite day of the year, every year we visited bluebell woods near where we live. He just loved it, walking the dog there , taking a picnic , looking at the village church - just a simple day out that meant so much to him.
I did it on my own last week and it was lovely to be there.

I wish there was something I could say to help but there isn’t ,take care x J

Hi Sheila,
No answers are there my lovely! I miss the simple things the most I think - I can imagine and know the sort of conversations Ronald and I would have…me coming in after working in the garden and he saying…all done then, ready for dinner! Ronald was the main cook and wow what a treat if it was roast chicken dinner!
I would look forward to him coming home - then everything would seem complete again. Now I just feel an emptiness constantly.
Yes, I do understand what you say as we move forwards - time has stopped for our men. I have been scanning photos and putting things into lovely albums and onto memory sticks. Lots of memories and yet I look and think - did that really happen? I can remember it, the feelings, the conversations - but there is still this feeling of unreality about life - both then and now!
I have a lovely Canadian great niece and an Easter parcel I sent off in February arrived yesterday! She is just three and a half and her mum sent me a photo of her opening the crafty gifts I had sent! And I actually felt happy for a bit. That is my saviour - being creative! I knit and sew and make and garden - and I just about stay sane!
The sun has gone - but I think some toiling in the soil will at least give me exercise and help me to be able to sleep later.
Hugs!
xCarole

Thank you so much, and I also wish I could tell you that it will get better, it might for many people because we are all different, they move on and carry on with their lives, but that does not mean they loved their husband/wife, sister, mum, etc, any less than I love my husband, it is just that they are stronger than I am. I think for me it is because Peter died nearly four years ago and it is such a long time since I have seen or spoken to him, and that is why I cling on to his memory as I don’t want to ever forget a single second of our lives together, but as the years roll by and I get older, my memories will fade so I try and keep them alive for as long as I can.

Love

Sheila xxx

Thank you Carole for your comments.

Peter never cooked, we had been together 50 years and whenever he made me a cup of tea or a coffee he would ask me how many sugars I wanted. I have never taken sugar in my drinks in my whole life.

I too have done the same, scanned all the photos and they are now on numerous memory cards etc. I can look at a photograph of us both and know exactly what we were doing that day. I can even remember the clothes we were wearing the night we met in 1964 and the music they were playing when he asked me to dance.

Perhaps one of these days we will find peace again, but I for one will believe it when I see it.

Take care Carole.

Love

Sheila xx