Who the bloody hell am I…
I have merged into one person, my husband and I are one human now, I now find, either remotely, or not, a trigger point, things that we didn’t do together, and things I still hoped we would do in the future. It’s all merged into one. I find myself repeating all simons thoughts and observation that we shared, his funny humour, that sometimes drove me crazy, all of it has merged into my thinking. How can I know him more than ever, now he is not here.
I get him more, I get everything more…it’s not rose coloured glasses, it’s the time I have now, to examine all our life’s work. All the life expierences we shared, being analytic, reflective, and upset, if I now feel amd find myself lacking. Feeling if there are areas I could have done better.
It’s almost as if I am in my head I am becoming Simon, Is it a way of keeping him with me, will I wake up, a foot taller and need to shave next…
I know we have our memories, but I do wonder who I am.
Is it because we were similar, in ways I didn’t know,that we were so part of each others d.n.a, is it because without re-inacting, I feel more alone, such a big chunk gone.
Hi Elvispresley69
I find myself in a similar position as you, I lost my wife in Feb last year, before I met her 39 years ago I new who I was, when we were together I new who I was, now no bloody idea, when I am at work I know my purpose, what needs to be done and how to do it, when I leave work I have no idea who I am , literally everything in my world changed, I have had counselling for 14 months which helped and now have a new councillor who is helping me to find my place in this world, I am 59 and have 2 grown up children and 2 grandchildren, my problem is that I must be more than just a father and grandfather, my wife and I were connected in such a tight way, during the years we did become like one person, instinctively knowing what the other was thinking etc, now I doubt my thoughts as I don’t have anyone reassuring me. its a strange world I find myself in, one that I just don’t seem to fit into anymore, I am told the old Tony is still there, I just have to find him, but do I want to? that is the question I need to resolve, Take Care
Hi , I know how you feel , I not only lost my hubby I also lost me . The me I was , was always happy , had a young outlook on life . Loved my happy life . Now just a shadow . Plod on just trying to get through each day . Heartbroken , lonely, sad, all the time . Thinking how my life should of still been . Instead of this exsistence I now find myself in . I did actually like the me I have lost . But this me now I don’t like one bit and know my hubby wouldn’t like me now also . Xtake carex
Yes it is the gap, and, for me a void, loss , no matter how hard I keep focused, and busy, how meaningfully I try, how loved by others I am, and I know it sounds like I am having one big pity party, and may be I am, as being objective, without my goto life partner, I sometime can’t see the light through the trees, but it’s the connections, and deep, deep loneliness I carry within me… that is a physical pain, almost like feeling ill.
I am disconnected, and robotic, and I miss feeling a real joy.
Yes getting to know yourself again, when you don’t really have the insight, and like you, I didn’t mind the me I was, when I was with my husband…
Sorry for such a late response. I haven’t been on here for a while. Alot depends on where my mood is. I dip in and out mainly because there is no judgement here.
I have small periods when I think I have got it, got me in check. And usually when that hits the down side comes and kicks my arse. And back to square one. It’s like clawing out of a deep well only to loose your grip, and go tumbling down again.
I hope your ticking over. This time of year can bring up alot of emotions