Why are some people so crass?

Ok, so I was at a lunch a few weeks ago. A group of women of a certain age, together to celebrate a birthday for one of the gang. I did not know many of the women but had been invited along. I arrived a bit later than everyone else, as I had a prior commitment that I could not cancel. A long table in a lively restaurant. In the centre, in prime position, was a woman who very much liked to be the centre of attention. We all know someone like that! My circumstances - widow, etc - were well known in the tight community we share. This woman decided to go around the table and ask the others, not me, of course, how long they had been married. Like it was a competition or an endurance sport. She was able to establish, to her satisfaction, that, yes, she was the one married the longest. I was surprised at how insensitive this was, so looked out of the window at a lovely mountain view and took quiet, very deep breaths. She then proceeded to list her husband’s perceived faults and failings. Then, for good measure, asked those sitting closest to her, and I was only a tiny distance away, whether they would start again if their husbands were no longer there. The other women were embarrassed and did not play along. She had no idea that her behaviour was such a very bad look. I wish her well for all that, as she has no idea of the sadness that may well await her, if her time comes to join this club. Anyone else experience crass insensitivity like this?

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Oh @Vancouver how awful for you and, to be honest, for those nicer people surrounding you. So far, thankfully, I have not come across anyone behaving at all like this.
It sounds as if maybe, even if she did lose her husband, she may not need a group like this. She certainly isn’t caring enough of others feelings at this stage and maybe won’t look too deeply into her own if it should happen.

Sending you love and a hearty congratulations that you survived the ordeal with such dignity. xxx

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Vancouver you must be stronger than you think because if I was in that position I couldn’t have handled it I would have just walked away mind to be honest I want to run away from everything at the moment because life is to hard for me feeling like I do.

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You hit the nail on the head, until you are in our position you have now idea what so ever. I have someone who told me they would be there for me until the funeral (as if the pain disappears afterwoods) I have told me numerous times by someone that I have a new life & get on with it (bet when their turn comes, they won’t be signing from the same hymn sheet) and several people told me that I’m young enough & will meet someone else & worse it would be what my partner (of 40 years) would have wanted. The first time I was told this was 6 weeks after he died. People are just insensitive at best cruel at worst, but I think the majority just quite simply don’t think. Take care and take one day at a time & don’t forget we are here as we are all going along this difficult road (or stormy sea as I read somewhere though in different boats) xxx

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Well done Vancouver. I would be tempted to ask her husband what he thought her faults and failings were if I met him. Though by the sound of it he might not have been allowed his own opinions on the matter. We all know one these people I suspect. XX

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Its a good thing for her that you are able to rise above such an awful human being if only she knew the pain and heartache that you feel when you lose someone you love.

You are an exceptional and inspirational human being and the world needs more people like you.

I haven’t been on here long but I have noticed how many people that you help with your words of wisdom.

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Hi
Since losing my husband 19 months ago
I know view the world and some people including close family members differently
l’m less tolerant of insensitive and selfish people.
I am learning to only surround myself with kind people with no hidden agenda’s
Grief teaches us what we don’t want for sure.
You did brilliantly and took care of yourself in an uncontrollable situation
It’s hard enough even getting out to event’s
Be very proud of yourself.

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Oh @Vancouver, how very hard for you. I’m afraid I’m not quite as nice and you and I would have said something. I’m surprised none of the other ladies tactfully asked her to tone it down. Yes, I too have a ‘friend’ who didn’t contact me for six weeks after my husband died. Sorry, too late. I’ve no time for people like that. I have a wonderful, large close family and a small group of lovely friends who’ve not let me down. I’m so sorry you had to cope with that. Big cuddle to you xx. Jean.

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Thats horrible ! Im afraid i wouldn’t have been able to keep my mouth shut !!! You did very well ! Personally i wouldve said … be careful what you wish for and then walked out !!! Xx

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Vancouver, that is awful for you, so sorry.
Until we are walking in the shoes, as they say, we honestly don’t know what it’s like.
What a thoughtless person she must be, living in her own “perfect” world. At least you had support from some of the other women.
You kept dignified in the most awful circumstances, sending love.

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When my husband could not walk far i brought a wheelchair for him so i could take him out with me why do people have to moan about everything

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I also got my husband a mobility scooter he loved it he would go of on it with a big smile on his face and leave me behind i used to call out to him wait for me and he would shout back places to go things to do do not worry about me i am ok

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Your husband sounds so much like mine never a dull moment with him around thats what makes it so hard without him around he once said to a friend of ours are you having a baby or have you just put weight on i did not know were to look when he said that

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My husband had a mobility scooter too, he went miles on it. He used to have a number plate on it with my name on. People asked him why he called it Debbie, I’ll leave it up to your imagination with his answer, he had a very naughty sense of humour too.

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Even though it’s very sad the last few messages brought a smile to my face & I sincerely hope it’s done the same for others. Take care & stay strong, group hug xxx

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@Lonely That sounds like me with names. :joy:

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Had a really bad start to the day i was talking to a lady i know and she said to me well you knew he had only 6 months to live you should be so proud of you husband as he made it pass the 6 months it was like she was telling me i should be over it by now

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@sue11 - I am sorry - what an insensitive remark. Comments like that are so cutting and hurtful. Sending you a hug and recommending chocolate. It sure helps me when things like this happen x

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Thank you for your kind words even though we knew he had only six months it made it harder knowing one day i would loss him it was hard watching him waste away as he had cancer not sleeping scared he would die sooner then they told him x

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My husband did die quicker than they said :frowning: they gave him 3/4 months and he only had 6 weeks! So sad … i miss him so much. Went to the shop this morning on my usual route and had such a strong vision of him walking there … never had that before ! Flipping broke me that did - seeing such a strong vision of him :disappointed: :sweat:

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