Why can’t I accept he’s gone…

I am feeling so sad for everyone on here, including myself, this Christmas is making me so melancholy. Missing my dear Husband.Alan, . Im just trying to do my best by getting through the endless days leading up to it .you go shopping,shops all playing Christmas music.I’ll be glad when we don’t have to hear these songs, again,. But saying that , I’m lucky I have good family, who look after me, checking up on me .more than some have , who don’t have anybody ,thinking of you all,and knowing exactly how you feel,does help to know, so many of us are going through this heartache,. Xx

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Hi Prof
Spot on………
You’ve said it all……….
Can relate to every single thing you’ve said
How do / can we ever get through it?
Xx

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me too - situation is horrendous xx

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Awe you sound so sad.do you have to wfh.can u not go into work.i was the same totally lived working from home now its too lonely and have chosen to go into work 3 days a week. Getting in am9ng people is much better…wishing g you peace and contentment

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My company is American and the nearest office is London…. Some days I wish I could, but I think as I’m avoiding everything, it’s maybe a God send… thank you for your kind words… sending love x❤️

Awe so sorry…I just feel right now im glad I have the option…its so difficult right now .I just try to get thro the days and pray as time goes on it will get better I hope you find peace.x

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Hello Prof, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you have written anything on here for a while and it is nice to see you back. What you say I can really relate to. At the forefront of my mind at the moment is this time last year and I’m not dealing with it very well at the moment. I do hope you get through this holiday period without too much distress.X

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When we light our candles on Xmas eve, let’s think of each other too.

Thinking of you all,

G. X

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I’m not quite at four weeks and just a week on from the funeral, I think going through the motions is the best way to describe it. I had a bit of a blow out post-funeral and then have slowly tried to regain a grip on my life and probably behaviour actually - it was too soon to go out, but maybe at the same time exactly what I need - to lose any sort of reality on things.

I’ve moved back in with Dawn’s parents, I’m suddenly feeling a real anger that we only got just short of two and a half years and that finding that type of happiness was too good for me? Why otherwise would I wake up to find my 33-year-old girlfriend dead on the bedroom floor.

I really struggle in our flat, I’ve not moved much and still do her washing when I come across the odd item.

It’s weird you mention finding joy again @Loobyloo2, I know people elsewhere have found love again and that wasn’t moving on, it was simply coming to terms with their situation.

I don’t know how I could bring myself to do that (of course it’s far, far, too soon) - I don’t feel I’m in danger of doing damage to myself, and I must keep fighting - Dawn would have hated me to give up on life - but there’s a difficult acceptance that my life will be really awful forever.

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I can’t deal with my life anymore, the pain of grief & aloneness is winning. I used to be the strong one who fought for us both, I’m the person people turn to for help but now seem unable to help myself & feel so guilty. I weep so much.
I’ve just spent the weekend crying wishing I was braver to end this . The despair just goes on.
At least on here so many people can understand these feelings, I hate making people miserable day after day.

I lost my precious husband 2 years ago last month & 2 days ago would have been our golden anniversary…so many plans. Last week I got COVID & am still not well but of course can’t even escape to work.

Several posts mention being alone with no family to offer support but this hasn’t been my experience. I have 4 children & many grandchildren. Initially they were brilliant but then everyone moves on with their busy lives. Except you.
Xmas is a nitemare constantly in your face, I will be alone at home but maybe that’s best, don’t have to put on a pretence then. I’ve had a couple of offers to go to theirs but travel is long & difficult especially with strikes. My son & family I’m closest to live abroad.
Only one of my children contacted me on either anniversary & luckily my kind, kind friends were ther for me…but they all have their own families over Xmas.
Sorry to make everyone more miserable so wish I could take everyone’s pain away. Thanks for being here to chat with. X

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Your words so resonate with my life at the moment (except being the strong one, I never have been). The only family I actually am close to is my mother. I can’t see a future for myself what so ever & waking everyday is a living hell. I am at the early stages as my partner only died in November but we literally did everything together so my life has totally change & nothing seems worth living for, only reason I am going on is for my mother because I wouldn’t put her through this pain.
My thoughts are with you Sadanna :heart::heart:

Ah Sadanna
Sorry to read your post
You sound so unhappy and lost just like me
My Paul was my world too, we had no bairns just ‘us two’ now no more
He was a twin and married and they and thier family have been very good but they are a family unit themselves
Our unit is now just me
Alone
Like you I’ve spent the weekend in tears don’t know if it’s Christmas or not…. To be fair I’ve been like it for weeks
21 weeks tonight Paul passed away
Like every one on here my life ended with Paul’s
I cannot see a future don’t want a future
I want my Paul end of
Folks on here ‘get it’
The outside world don’t
Hugs to everyone now and through the most difficult time in our lives
Xx

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Sadanna, I am the same, the grief is unbearable. 16 weeks tomorrow since my Tom was taken from me so cruelly. We were told it wasnt curable but treatable so I think I just thought our lives would be hospital visits and treatment forever more and that would be ok but he couldnt tolerate and it all became so much. He was a giant of a man who ended up a shadow of himself and it broke my heart every day to witness his decline. Folk talk about memories but mine are of the worst kind and I find it hard to get them out my head. I cry constantly and I was also the one everyone came to for help or advice, the one that arranged all the family parties and surprises and celebrations, now the thought of it scares me and fills me with dread and I have changed so much and I just want the world to carry on without me so I dont go anywhere or do anything apart from visit my son who is an hour’s drive away. Even he is now saying that I have to get on with my life but how can I - the only people that really “know” are the people on this forum - you are the people that get how it feels. He was the love of my life, my true kindred spirit, married for 32 years and we both should be 60 next year, so many plans, getting our free bus tickets and going on jaunts, world travel, retirement, etc and now there is nothing. An empty house, an empty heart and people just say time will heal, well I dont think it ever will. There is no-one for reassurance, no-one for company or to talk about the day or make plans, no-one to make me a coffee or for me to them a coffee, I just want this Christmas to get by but then there will be his birthday, our anniversary, my birthday, his death anniversary, so many milestones yet to come. How do we cope. I do not know.
Love to all
xxx

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Hi Moi1, I am so sorry for your loss. Your pain is palpable. I wish I could take it away from you. I really feel for you all your plans now gone. Everything you say resonates with me. My husband was also a big strong man and when I think about how he looked so thin and frail in that hospital bed (at home) it breaks my heart. Those memories seem to be imprinted in my brain. Even if I think of happier times it upsets me because I know I will never have those again with my lovely husband. I have said in previous posts that my children have said about getting out and doing things. But I don’t want or know how to do that on my own after fifty years of doing things with my soul mate. Our children although they are hurting and missing their father will be able to move forward as they have outside distractions … family, work holidays etc. Whereas for me there is just me now. Like you say no-one for reassurance, no-one for company or to discuss the day with. I’m sending love and a big hug to you.X

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Hi Moi1, thanks for your reply, we have many things in common. We were told the illness was a ‘slow burn ‘ he would die with it rather than of it & then we began the nightmare of different specialists, different hospitals,poor communication & gradually he deteriorated. I wish we had just made the most of those last month’s together instead of wasting energy fighting &fighting but we didn’t know. We didn’t realise.

And Loobylou2 I so understand your feelings of looking at the happy memories but only feeling more saddened when you realise you will never have that again.
I feel physical pain ever time I’m told it’s time to move on… to what ? A life I don’t want ? I go out & do things but then who to share them with …no one .
And worst of all, told I should be grateful we had so long together to share our lives. Many people never have that. Of course I’m grateful, eternally grateful but does that mean every inch of my being cannot be in pain & suffer at his loss ?

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could not have said it better myself Sadanna. I had to fight many battles with the medical people and I complained a lot, he was never away from the hospital and having to go through A&E despite the GP so called “arranging swift passage through” - this never worked - having to argue with A&E nurses who just did not understand the gravity of the situation or even letting me in with him - just so draining. I vowed to make sure he was home with me as much as possible and again had to fight for district nurses, doctor, equipment etc. I cannot believe how our lives changed so. I understand exactly when you describe people saying be grateful for the time you had - pretty obvious isnt it but what all I can think about is the time we have lost - I think the saddest thing for me is the fact we have no future now, nothing to look forward to, we loved to travel and only last October we managed our last holiday to Spain with airport passenger assist and hiring a mobility scooter at the other end, he even managed the hotel food better than he did with food at home. Fast forward 12 months and its all gone. I am so so sad and can see no way out of this dark cloud. Sorry all, just having a really bad day (as usual)
xxx

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Hi @Loobyloo2
I know what you mean about other people’s opinion. I keep hearing that I’m doing SO well. I think it’s mostly because people really WANT us to be ok but they don’t know how to help.
Neither do I come to that. I just keep busy as that’s the only way I know of living one day at a time.
Sending love. xxx

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Thanks all, these chats so help on the lowest days.
I just feel so sad that it doesn’t feel any easier after 2years.
Love to all. X

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Hi everyone
You all say everything that applies to me
Long marriage …. I wanted more
Memories…… I want to make them not think about them
Like you I think if the good times holidays everything
I want more
And I constantly think about the decline if Paul the hurt suffering pain he endured without…… one single complaint
I’m in tears now writing thinking
You all do help…… believe you me
Love to all
Xx

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oh Bess1, Im in tears reading this, exactly the same here.
just terrible.
the mail arrived today and it was the yearly report of the industry tom worked in and inside was his obituary with a picture and I have just gone off the rails again…

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