I keep thinking I should have picked up on my partner not being well prior to his cardiac arrest and can’t forgive myself
My condolences on the loss of your partner. I think that this is a normal part of grieving.
My family tell me that I must not blame myself for my husband’s sudden fatal illness. I am trying to accept that I cannot change anything that happened - all those what ifs - and let them go for my own mental health.
Hi @AlysonandSteve, you are not alone. I think of all the points at which I might have saved my husband too. The guilt is overwhelming at times I know.
There are a couple of videos on the Grief Channel on you tube which I found helpful ‘the guilt monster’ and one about Sudden Death. It helped me make sense of things a little. We’re judging our actions then, based entirely on what we know now. At the time I did what I thought was right and I am sure you did too.
The other interesting theory was that we go over what we could have done as a way to try to find a way to undo it all. To find some control where we have none and it feeds the guilt.
My husband always said that regret was such a wasted emotion and I try to hold onto that.
Give yourself a break…allow yourself a break.
I feel the same my husband had a cardiac arrest whist driving,I was in the car with him ,
And wished I could have done more,we had 2 ambulances,Air Ambulance and police,and he passed away 2 hours later in hospital
@AlysonandSteve please stop blaming yourself. There must have been no signs or you would have seen them . I was abroad and I don’t blame myself . Just so sad I wasn’t with him for the day before . I know he went instantly and so that is easier to bear. My hugs to you .
I know how you feel as I didn’t notice that my husband had lost weight and was so ill. He was still working until the day before he suddenly and unexpectedly died. I got him down the doctor’s but to late. I been told by my councellor that I would not notice as I am not medically trained and seeing someone every day that you don’t notice the weight loss. Still feel guilty that I couldn’t save him though and now have this horrible journey without my lovely husband Xx
Six weeks tomorrow I lost my husband to a cardiac arrest. I too have been thinking what signs were missed.
He was 62 healthy and fit (we thought).
I am missing him so much. Why us when there are so many bad people living. I have a loving family and good friends but I just want him back. I wasn’t with him. No chance to say goodbye or tell him how much I love him. I am so sad he will not get to do all the things we’d planned. Everyone says I have lots of memories but there won’t be any new ones. Life is so cruel.
@Jun23 I am so sorry that you have lost your husband. Life is so unfair and cruel. Like you I lost my husband suddenly. Went to work on the Saturday and Sunday my son rang to say that dad had collapsed. Time I got home he was gone. He was 53 years old. He died of a massive rear saddle pulmonary embolism and undiagnosed kidney cancer. What a shock.
I lost my husband 7 months ago… 6 weeks is very early days. The rawness has been replaced with deep sadness. Yes I do wonder why us when there are not very nice people walking around. Our future plans and dreams have been robbed. Not fair Take care and big hugs xx
I know how you feel my husband died suddenly from a heart attack.
There was no obvious symptoms, they told him it was his asthma which he had for years. His GP got him a consultant cardiologist appointment which was they thought he had a heart murmur from being a child.
He died on holiday a week before his appointment.
To be honest l have felt like you, but if the medics don’t know how are we supposed to know.
Regrets l have plenty but it’s all after the event.
I am sure your husband like mine would not want you to feel guilty xxxx
I feel like i let sue down in the final weeks of her life .car packed up in November 2022 the first week sue was in hospital after being diagnosed with lung cancer and it wasn’t until December we were told that it was pancreatic cancer which had spread to her lungs and liver. But going through sues notes we found out that they knew about the lung cancer in November 2021 and may 2022 about the pancreatic cancer with lung and liver cancers as secondary cancers.so now i feel like they let her and myself down big style .cant help feeling i let my gorgeous beautiful fantastic sue down in some way .sorry for ranting
So very sorry for your loss of your wife ,
I’m sure your wife wouldn’t want you to think you let her down ,
I feel the same at times my husband had a cardiac arrest and I wished we could have saved him
Life is so difficult without our loved ones
I try to carry on ,some days my heart feels like it’s breaking ,
@Martyn2 I often read your posts and how you discribe your wife as fantastic, gorgeous and beautiful. It is very clear that you loved your wife very much and no way did you let her down. It was the awful C that took her life like my husband which had undiagnosed kidney cancer. So wicked!!
Big hugs xx
Thank you xx
I was the one who advised my husband to apply for a job, not just once but twice suggested it, and 24 years later that job took his life. I have thought about that several times. I have also thought about the time a few weeks before he died, when he told me the job he was working on was dangerous. I said to leave if he wanted that we’d manage, but I should have suggested he went on the sick for a few weeks to think about things. I should have pleaded with him not to go back to the job…or something. The job must have been dangerous because it took his life. Dying the way he did at 55 is the part that is so difficult for me to accept.
@No-words I also told my husband to apply for a job 12 years ago. 20 months previously before he suddenly and unexpectedly died he fell 3 meters and smashed his elbow to pieces. He passed out at height after having the COVID vaccine. From then it seems he went down hill. He had got 2 more jobs before he died of undiagnosed kidney cancer the last job only been there 5 weeks. The fall either trigger the kidney cancer or masked his symptoms as he was in pain with his arm. He was 53 years old. Life is so unfair and cruel. Been robbed of our future plans and dreams.
Maybe your husband like mine wanted to work and liked the challenge. You can’t blame yourself as you can cross the road and get knocked down. Take care and big hugs xx
Thanks Hazel.1966. It’s true we can have a road traffic accident. Funnily enough my husband had COVID two weeks before he fell at work… we’ll never know. Yeh the future that’s nothing like we thought it would be, is so hard to come to terms with.
Hi, all. Reading all your posts here had me nodding my head all the way through. That’s me! I’ll never get those thoughts out of my mind, that perhaps if I’d realised before, my husband could have been saved. He was only 57, looked younger than his age, fit, strong, healthy, very active person, no previous warning signs, only a sudden stomach ache, nausea, which seemed like a bad case of indigestion during a normal Sunday afternoon. Then two hours later he was gone. Two and a half years later I’m still filled with guilt anger, frustration, convinced that it shouldn’t have turned out that way, even though the paramedics said it would have been too late anyway. Then again we are humans, can’t predict outcomes of situations, like some of you have said, this is a normal reaction in grief, especially for sudden, unexpected, premature deaths.
Sending you all strength and may you all have better days and more peace of mind.
So sorry for all your losses. I am the same full of guilt. My husband died in March and was 59. He had what we thought was indegestion then had a cardiac arrest. I did CPR untill the ambulance arrived then they took over. He arrested 3 times. He ended up with massive swelling to the brain and had no brain activity. I always think did I do it right was it my fault he got swelling. Did I act quick enough. Will never know.
I felt exactly the same and sometimes still
do. My husband had a cardiac arrest in bed beside me. He was undergoing tests because of a terrible back ache and also for two weeks prior he hadn’t been able to eat much, feeling and being sick all the time. We all knew there was something wrong and despite two trips to A&E we were sent home with pills he could not keep down as it wasn’t “cost effective” to keep him in. I’ve beat myself up about this but now realise there wasn’t much else I could have done. I tried to resuscitate him before the paramedics arrived and although the got him breathing again he never regained consciousness and died on our bedroom floor.
We are in enough pain without these thoughts making it worse for us so please give yourself a break and try to remember the good times as I am sure like me there are many.
I totally agree Georgia
My husband wouldn’t want me to feel guilty, I to did CPR .
As we both know it is horrible to do it on someone you love.
In hindsight, there are things l wish I did different, like insisting we did not go on holiday. Because l live near a cardiac specialist hospital and where we where on holiday there were none meaty,
But like I said this is in hindsight, no one can predict the future l wish we could xxxx