why don't people care

i lost my husband two years ago from sepsis.I feel as if nobody understands what I am going through.My children phone me up to talk to me but never ask how i am coping on my own.They seem to be only interested i what is going on in there lives.I go to see the doctors and the first thing they say is to take antidepressants.They do not ask me if i am coping okay on my own .or do i need any help.They think taking tablets is the answer to everything.I have not seen my sister since my husband died.Why is it that the people who should care just can not be bothered with me any more and just take it for granted that i am okay.Sorry but i just feel that nobody cares about me so why should I care about me any more as everything seems so pointless without my husband here with me.
Brendaj

Dear Brendaj. I am so sorry for what you are going through. When I lost my husband three years ago, the very same thing happened to me and I am sure to quite a lot of other people who have lost loved ones too. Your friends you have known for years stop visiting, they must think being widowed is contagious. I have not seen my so-called best friend since my husband’s funeral. I ring her to try and make arrangements to visit her but she is always busy. I never visited my doctor, even though I worked with them for 15 years because when my husband died they never rang to see how I was. I have seen then GP’s nurse once in three years for my ears syringing and I would now have to be on all fours for me to ring them for an appointment. I manage on my own, taking one day at a time. Twelve months after my husband died our sons started to say I need to see a doctor I am depressed. I said I am not depressed, I am grieving for the man I have known and loved for 50 years when he was an 18 year old boy. They only live half an hour away from me but I only see them every two weeks or when they want a child-minder for our grandchildren. It is very, very rare I speak to them, I just get texts, sometimes if the weather is bad and I don’t go out I don’t speak to a soul for a week, just get texts. They kept telling me to start living my life again and start to go out more, so I started to go out with a friend who has also lost her husband, we go for coffee, have lunch etc. have days out but what is happening now I am going out more, our sons are texting me to book me for child-minding weeks in advance so I don’t have chance to make arrangements to do anything with my friend so in a way they tell me to get out more then on the other hand they are stopping me doing so by booking me for childminding. Children can be selfish, I know they lost their dad but they still had their lives to live, work to go to but we were left on our own to grieve for the man/woman we had lost and would never see again. You are not alone so if you ever need to talk we are all hear for you. Take care Sheilaxx

hello Sheila
Thank you for your reply. I hope you don,t mind me writing to you as i know you understand how i feel.
What i do not understand is when you lost someone close to you why don,t people talk to me ,I used to go to a craft group for a while.The people there new i had lost Steve but they never asked me how i was .One day i was really upset and someone i had seen for every week for ten weeks said to me we all knew that you had lost your husband but we did not say anything to you because they did not want to upset me.But all i wanted was for someone to talk to me.I wish people would talk instead of say nothing.Did this happen to you when you lost your husband?
I would loved to have Grandchildren but my son and daughter are both registered blind. they both developed a eye decease when they were about eleven years old.Raymond is now 45 and Debbie is 49 So they never wanted to have children as they did not want to pass there eye condition on to there children.They both have got only ten percent vision left so they only see in grey and black shadows.They can not see my face even any more which breaks my heart.I am dreading it for them if they both loss there sight all together .It is so unfair that as there mum i can not do anything about it.I have always felt guilty and blame myself about it because if they had been born to different parents they would have both had normal sight.
When the children were younger i done everything for them but now when i need them the most they are not here for me.They just assume i am all right.I don,t see anybody all week to talk to as i am not well enough to keep on going out on my own.sorry to go on but it helps to speak to other people like you who understand
take care
brendaj

Hello Brenda and thank you for replying. Perhaps you are right, people do not know what to say to us but it does not excuse them for not ringing us up or visiting us like they used to do, that is what upset me the most. Even if I ring them to see if they want to meet up for lunch, they are busy so I stopped bothering. If the people you are talking about have been through what we have then shame on them because they should know how important it is for us to talk about our late husbands but if they still have their husbands/wives then they will not know how we feel until it happens to them. I am so sorry about your family and their medical problems but I would not be upset about it because as far as I can understand from what you are saying, they have enough problems of their own and sometimes they have to put themselves first because their lives cannot be as happy as they would want them to be. I have eye problems and know what it is like to have to wear dark glasses in the house it is so stressful, not being able to read or go on the computer, just sitting there or going to bed early, but luckily mine clears up after a few days but your children’s don’t and that must be terrible for them. Why don’t you ring them and ask them if they need any help, they just might be thinking that you should be asking them if they are okay. We can all be selfish and think we are the only ones going through a bad time but you can see from this site we are not. When my husband died, I expected our sons to ring me every day and when they didn’t I sent them a nasty text but they said, mum, why don’t you ring us as well, we have lost our dad and we are grieving too and we are also working. I then realised it is not all about me. So give them a ring and ask if the need help at all and you just might find they would be so grateful for it, if they say no, they are okay and can manage, tell them you are there for them if they need you. Take care. Sheila x

I totally understand and I came to thinking that the reason is that it’s because it isn’t them. For example they cannot feel way you feel. It is really strange and hard to deal with, my nana passed two days ago and they were shocked when I told them I was not coping as if I should be over it. I’ve noticed people are selfish and they do not always feel the pain that you feel simply because they had a different relationship than you did and also because they have healed. I wouldn’t suggest tablets even though I will go to get them. I would suggest maybe keeping a picture of him having it as a shrine and whenever you feel down talk to him. It is a pain that never goes away. I will never understand how someone can be cold and get on without finding out how you are. You are strong and have made it past two years, remember the happy times, remember that it’s ok to not be ok. They may be giving you the wrong advise to do because they do not understand that you are still grieving. Maybe have a get together in remembrance of your loved one that could be something that will help. You aren’t alone I’m going through the same where my friend or even family do not feel the same as I do and it’s only been two days. I do understand what you have said about them not caring, it could be that for them they have healed and just don’t understand the feelings you are going through as they have grieved already and they probably don’t know the best advice to give. To them the advice they are giving you is the right one and without knowing it really isn’t. Voice how you feel to them you need your loved ones around even just for a small reassuring talk, but we are all here for you as much as you need. The pain is unbearable I know and I dread going days knowing my nan has left. It is extremely painful and I do know the grieving process is long it won’t happen over night, but you are strong, let yourself have time to be sad as you need to let the sadness out.

hi Mimi
thank you so much for your reply.I am so sorry for the lost of your nan. You must miss her very much.I think you are right my children just assume that i am all right.They seem to think that after two years i should have stop grieving for there father.But i miss him so much.I keep thinking about the holidays we spent together and it hurts so much they i can never have that time back again with him.Sometimes life seems so unfair.People tell me that I have been strong and have been able to carry on with my life but they do not know how much I am suffering inside and the pain i still feel.I so empty inside.If you want to talk i am always here.
take care
brendaj

hi Mimi
thank you so much for your reply.I am so sorry for the lost of your nan. You must miss her very much.I think you are right my children just assume that i am all right.They seem to think that after two years i should have stop grieving for there father.But i miss him so much.I keep thinking about the holidays we spent together and it hurts so much they i can never have that time back again with him.Sometimes life seems so unfair.People tell me that I have been strong and have been able to carry on with my life but they do not know how much I am suffering inside and the pain i still feel.I so empty inside.If you want to talk i am always here.
take care
brendaj