Why havent i broken down yet ?

Losing a parent
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This is my first time doing anything like this, my lovely mum passed away in april after a long battle with lung and liver cancer i am numb to everything about her i miss her and feel sad but no where near what i thouht and everyone around me thought i would be, is this dangerouse for my my mental health am i going to erupt one day and break down im new to this feeling, when my baby boys where stillborn 16 years ago it broke me i feel a fraction of that after mum
Thanks for reading

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Hello @Kirstywillow,

I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing how you are feeling. I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support. In the meantime, you may wish to look at these Sue Ryder resources which might be helpful.

You might also want to look at: Losing a parent - coping with the death of a parent | Sue Ryder

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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Hello @Kirstywillow

I’m so glad you posted, I thought I was the only one feeling Iike that. I can empathise completely. My Mum died in April too. I lost my Dad back in 1983 and was completely devastated. With Mum, its not the same. I can’t quite fathom it out except to say that I think the older a parent gets the more you kind of anticipate things? It feels like you were already grieving. She had a mastectomy at 83, recovered from that, but it eventually came back in her skin. In the end though it was pneumonia. But because I worried so much about her dying beforehand it feels like I’ve already done much of it. Don’t know if I’m making any sense here…currently I just feel blank, with little episodes of sadness…

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Friends, I am sorry that your mommas died. It is a devastating loss. Why are you not crying your eyes out as you have in the past when a love one died? I suggest it is that the deaths were anticipated for years and the grieving began then, quietly. Perhaps it is especially true if the love one is elderly and was also suffering.

My husband was diagnosed with a terminal condition nearly 3 years before his death. I began grieving on the day of the diagnosis. I’ve cried 3 times since his funeral in October 2024. I love him, miss him awfully bad, but already went through years of anticipatory grief. It is a thing. It may be what you have experienced.

With love.

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i dont think we grieve as much for someone with a terminal illness. we miss them yes but we know at some point they going to die, most of us should deal with it long before that. if the person is able, certainly to put affairs in order so its easier for those left to deal with.

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PeachesDixon

I really feel for you, losing a husband must be so traumatising anyway. I looked up anticipatory grief, it IS a thing, I was so surprised. Feeling like this makes a bit more sense now, especially when you consider that after Mums mastectomy at 83 (almost 84) she finally passed away this year at 88.

She’d had poor mobility and arthritis for some time though, plus depression and anxiety issues that she’d suffered from since I was young.

I found in later years I struggled to cope with that, finding dealing with someone’s mental health issues draining. I’d see her two to three times a month latterly, before that it was a couple of times a week, so not being there very much is one of the things I feel kind of guilty about. Though she would ring me to talk when she felt overwhelmed, saying that I was the one who would just listen and not try to provide solutions or problem solved. I think she needed that. She was hard work at times, with awful mood swings, but in her finer moments she was the most loving Mum and a caring person who would give you her last penny.

I do feel quite sad that her later years were mostly spent at home not doing very much because of her issues.
And I kind of wonder if those same mental issues kind of cause a degree of seperation between you too? It’s like you can’t be as close with a person because their mood weighs you down.
Can grieving perhaps start here too? They can’t be the person you’d like them to be so you are kind of grieving that loss already?
Who knows. She was still my Mum though and I loved her dearly.

Wth love to you, J

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KirstyWillow

I responded to your post but forgot to add that I also felt that at some point there will be some kind of mass eruption of grief that will completely flatten me. I still wonder that. I almost feel that’s how it SHOULD be but I keep telling myself that every bereavement and every relationship is different, so why should the process be the same? Plus I feel because I haven’t seen my Mum as much recently, that it’s still the same? She’s still there somehow. It’s the strangest feeling and one that’s very hard to compartmentalise. The lack of explanation gets to me. But I feel for you and send love, J