Why I am not grieving,

My dearest husband passed away a year ago, we were together 50 years we have 4 children all live close to us and all our hearts are broken , I cannot cry a lot in front of them because their tears are too painful , I have a couple of times.
But I have no regrets , we did everything we had planned to do
Travelled the world he walked all our children down the isle at their weddings, he saw all of our 9 grandchildren except one, we spent so much time together happier times we could not wish for. He had a successful career, we could not have wished for anything more.
But he got ill (bad heart) and during the last 2 years of his life he was unhappy not with me/us but because he was unable to do the things he wanted to do , he was tired all the time.
We spoke at length about his or mine passing away,
We both felt the same, one of us has died but the other is alive
And must continue , and cope with what we have, he would not want me moping about , he would not want me fretting my life away only thinking of him not being with me.
He is with me in my heart ,when I manage things on my own
I say hey look what I have done . I know he would be happy.
I have my grandchildren round me , my family around me my friends around me.
I breakdown ever so often , but pull myself out of it.
I have taken 2 holidays abroad alone, where we used to go,
But sometimes I think to myself. One day this is going to hit you like a brick on the head.
Everyone I speak to says the 2 nd year is when it kicks in
I get very upset when I have been reading this forum, so but sadness,
Is anyone like me

1 Like

… you have done well to have gotten this far but i truly believe that at some point this will all come back to hit you, and hit you when you least expect it…It may hit you with a health issue…I cant for the life of me see that anyone could go through the loss of their hubby-wife without it affecting ones health in the long run…just be on-guard and ready for when it comes…it may just creep up and hit you out of the blue…then this will be the time when your grieving will realy start…will take its hold, because it has built up so long…it needs its release…


Strangely enough I have just been told I have macular degeneration,
And I can’t put weight on to save my life
So weight loss when I don’t need to lose
So hopefully that s it

…yes weight loss is a natural…I have dropped a good three plus stone within a short time of losing my Richard age 75 last week, was 74 on 11th April last year when he died suddenly and unexpectedly sitting in his armchair ( a heart blockage ) after driving our then cocker spaniel to the pet groomers, my Richard never made it back to collect him the half hour car drive…For me i have cried every single day since i lost him, nine plus months now, it wont be my last…
I am soon to be 69 and suffer Multiple Sclerosis, and would you believe i was only diagnosed this 4 years ago, the same exact date that my Richard died, 11 the April…


Hi you probably don’t want to upset your children by crying. It’s OK to cry.
You are lucky that you did everything you want to do and manage to see all you children married.
I lost my husband in Nov and I feel cheated that we had no retirement together. Everything we planned gone. None of our two children are married so it hurts that he won’t be there if they decide to get married. The world’s a sad place now nothing is the same you are doing well so take small steps take each day. I think one day you will open up and cry take care

1 Like

Hi Violet, Grief can take many different forms and it can certainly come and go in its intensity. You say that you do sometimes breakdown, so it sounds as though you are grieving. The important thing is that you have outlets for your emotions when those breakdowns come - cry as much as you need to, talk to your family or friends, or write things down here on the site. Bottling emotions up is what tends to cause more problems in the long run.

It can certainly be common for people to find the second year harder, perhaps because they feel that the reality starts to set in. I don’t know if this will be the case for you - you will have to see how it goes, try to take your emotions as they come, and get support as and when you feel you need it.

It is good that you are generally coping well, so I certainly wouldn’t beat yourself up about not feeling worse. It sounds as though you may be comparing how you feel to some of the posts you’ve been reading on this site. But everyone is different. And, remember, people tend to need the support of this site more when they are feeling at their lowest, so you won’t necessarily always see posts from people at times when they are coping better - but that doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who feel like you.

Take care and keep posting if you find that it helps.


Hello Violet,
Thank you for your message of hope.

You are spot on , I feel guilty about not feeling / suffering like others ,I have read about ,and I know, a neighbour near me lost her husband 2 months before me, she had such a close knit family like me ,
And has not left her house since she look grey and and so heart broken , nothing I say makes her feel better she cries and cries and we cry together but does not want to
To attempt to get on with her life or family , this is where my guilt came from to start with .
I am 68 years old and never before have even thought of joining into a chat like this.
But I am lifted by your reply.
Thanks x

1 Like

How long were you married, ? Yes that must have been a shock begin told of your MS on that day,
But in your heart do you think he would want you to be suffering with heart ache every day, I feel my husband would be wanting me to cope , doing all the things he used to do like walking my dog , unblocking the outside drain yuck , and all those little jobs that were “his” I say to him hey are you looking at me, I am doing ok .
Miss you always, and then tackle jobs I have never done in my life with him for 50 years.
On the plus side I have organised my home and done all the things I wanted to do redecorate and I then say sorry your not here , but I bet you would love it now, it so much easier to manage. And I have taken up gardening nothing much just pots, and seeds never done this in my life.

Violet, I think you have a great attitude. Just because you don’t spend all your time crying doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. We’re all grieve differently. I don’t spend all my time crying either but I miss my man like crazy and I carry a constant sadness in my heart. I feel sure you do too. You go girl with your great attitude, it’s inspiring. Much love xx

1 Like

…i too am 68 soon to be 69…and yes i too am now in the process of buying new furniture, trying to recreate the matching furniture of the furniture we-i have left of when we set up our forever home together…we -i had gotten rid of some when we moved home, now of course i am regretting doing this and trying to recreate what we once had, the type of furniture that is-was more to our old style liking…I just want to make that warm and inviting home, if only for my own comfort…back to the home my Richard would more approve of…


Hope is all we have , I have brought a mini green house and planted seeds never liked gardening before not very successful, but when something does start produce I go thanks babe. I walk the dog his job usually , when I think wish you were here (often)
I just have to get on with the job and proud I am of it .
Some days I just have nothing to do so I just think right I am catching up on tv, without any interruption s all my favourite films .
People around me are kind and boost me up when I am down a bit .
I can not replace the man in my life for 50 years, and don’t want too.
But I know he would never want me to be “sack cloth and ashes “.
He’s has died I am still alive , but he is with me all the time, pushing me forward , that how I feel

Back to top