Why??? I’m stuck, I’m so alone, I’ve lost myself….

I’m sorry for another long post. This is the only way I can get my true feelings out. Please be aware that this is a deeply upsetting and heartbreaking post written by me a woman that is totally broken and lost….
Writing this post is tearing me apart but I feel the need to be open to people that doesn’t know me as you might understand how I’m feeling more than the people that do know me…. As I write this the tears are flowing, the dread, the fear, the loneliness is overwhelming…. It feels as though I’ve lost myself…

I wasn’t going to send Christmas cards this year as I couldn’t write the words happy Christmas. But after getting a few cards through the door and thinking about it I decided to get personalised cards made and put a simple greeting inside saying “seasons greetings to you, we hope 2023 is a happy and bright new year” but at least I made the effort.
Several people that know me responded to me after I sent them a Christmas card. I’ve not seen or heard from them since the funeral. They said they wanted to reach out to me but didn’t as they thought I needed space and time to myself. That’s the last thing I need. They didn’t know what to say to me. All they kept saying was it’ll be ok, it gets easier in time, we’re here if you need anything, we’re here if you need to talk. When talking to them it felt so awkward, so unnatural. They asked how I was doing and
I tried speaking the truth but I got the same reply it’ll be ok and so on. NO it won’t be ok. How can it be. My beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend has gone. 25 magical years, my inperfect but to me perfect life has gone. My family have always been so close but now they avoid me as much as they can and when they do see me it feels like they’re treading on egg shells around me. Everything feels so awkward now with my family and friends.

Why can’t they treat me the way they’ve always treated me? Why can’t they just give me a hug?
I’m still me, the daughter, the grandaughter, the sister, the friend. I’ve not changed. I’m just trying to grieve for the love of my life.
Why can’t they just hug me instead of saying it’ll be ok. Actions speak much louder than words.

I’ve always been there for anyone and even helped one of them. After receiving my card they phoned me that was 2 weeks before Christmas they said “hi, asked how I was, told me everything would be ok and after a few minutes she started crying saying they had no money for Christmas. I felt sorry for them and asked what she needed. Well I didn’t have enough money for what she wanted. I said I’d do what I could but didn’t have the amount she wanted. She sent me a list of shopping she wanted, So I did my best with a very limited budget myself. But I still helped. I got them some shopping they wanted and got it delivered and then transferred them the last of my money. She said they’d repay me but I said there’s no rush only when they had the spare money to afford it. I wasn’t worried I trusted them. I thought finally maybe someone was actually there for me. Someone I could talk too, A so called friend I’d known since starting high school. A so called friend of 39 years. She said she’d be busy until Christmas but said they’d come and see me on the 27th which I was looking forward to, my kids put out some party food for them but they never turned up. I’ve not heard from them since the day they asked me for help. I’ve tried calling and my daughter popped around with a note I wrote saying not to worry about the money, I text them the same thing and said I’m always here for them but nothing. It broke my heart. Well they won’t get any help from me again. 39 years of friendship down the drain.

I don’t know if any of you can relate to this… But the pain I feel being treated the way I am is… well I just can’t put it into words.

Every day I am absolutely terrified, alone and lost. Even though I have a supportive family and my children. I have never been so scared in my whole life, I’ve never felt more lost and alone. It honestly feels like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know if that makes sense.

I never did decorate the house for Christmas. I just couldn’t do it. But I decorated the area where Jason’s box is and made that area look nice for him.

Over the past week I’ve been so deeply depressed. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Christmas Eve was a blur, I was having panic attack after panic attack. I was just numb inside. I reached for my medication and started taking the tablets out of the packets… I put them in a pot and wrote a letter. Then as I was getting everything sorted and in order my dog Pugzy, my little baby girl, my 6 year old very spoilt pug jumped on me, pawing my hands and licking me. That made me jump and brought me to my senses. Giving Pugzy lots of love and attention I picked up the phone and phoned the Samaritans. After a while someone answered and I spent over 2 hours talking to them. I told them how I was feeling and what had happened. They was so good. It helped a little talking to them and they said call back anytime. I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t understand it and am even more lost and confused now. I’ve spoken to my doctor and he’s going to get me some counselling. I think myself very lucky I’ve got my pugzy. I might not be here now if it wasn’t for her. She’s my little hero and has been spoilt even more since…

We went to my mums Christmas Day like planned but it was all a blur. We only stayed a couple of hours, that was as long as I could manage as I felt very poorly. I just had to lay down whilst there. But the kids had a nice time spending time with their nans…

Since Christmas everything has been a complete blur to me. I can’t remember most of the week. It turns out I’ve got a viral infection that’s why I’ve been so poorly. I’m slowly on the mend now but must rest…

I won’t be seeing the new year in, I’m going to bed early, I’m dreading it as the first anniversary is coming up (11th January) I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I just wish I could got to sleep and wake up and it all been a nightmare. But I know that’s not the case…

I’m sorry the post is so long. My doctor said it was good to talk to people about my feelings and also to write it down so every day I write down how I’m feeling. I don’t know if it helps yet but I’m willing to try anything if it helps.

Does it ever get better?

If anyone is feeling as low as I was on Christmas Eve I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I’d never want anyone to go through that.

Sending my best wishes to you all xx


Hello @Karen69,

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things are very difficult at the moment and you are in pain.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.

Take care - keep reaching out,


Hello @Karen69, I am so sorry you have had such a rotten Christmas and that you are going through these tough, tough days. You haven’t been well with that infection so you are totally run down - and like me, you are facing New Year’s Eve knowing the first anniversary is right around the corner. Like you, I feel a sense of dread about it as for me, Christmas Day was bad too because I was filled with memories of the horrors of last Christmas Day and Tom’s suffering in the hospital. If friends are acting differently, you know what - why not try asking them for a hug. I reckon they would love to - and are just waiting for a sign. I know they shouldn’t have to wait but people get a bit weird around widows, I have seen that! They just can’t relate and don’t understand because it hasn’t happened to them. So, maybe give them a hand to help you - it might not work but heck, it is worth a try. You did the right thing with the Samaritans and going to the GP. Grab that counselling - Sue Ryder offers it too, and you can find groups through The Good Grief Trust. I know you feel so alone - it is empty without those we love right next to us, but I believe Tom remains with me and helps me out often - helping me find things, sort things out, all that stuff. And I know he wants me to be ok, to live, to be happy again in time. I reckon your Jason would want the same for you - that he would want to see you smile again. So me, for Tom and you, for Jason - let’s keep going into 2023. We will get through the anniversaries. Me, I am going to try and have it as a celebration of the love and the luck I had to meet him, to know him, to be loved by him. There will be tears, and that is ok. It is a measure of the love we share. And the huge love you share with Jason is still with you. Hold tight, keep posting and give Pugzy a treat :slight_smile:


@Karen69 your words have brought me to tears. It is so hard being on your own. I can relate to what you say about friends and family not being there when you so need them. I wish I could take your pain away but I don’t know how to. Please keep putting your feelings and thoughts on here. It is better to let them out than bottling them all up. It will be coming up to a year for me too soon and I don’t know how I have survived without my love beside me. We were together fifty years and I can’t bear the thought of going on without him by my side. Everyday is a chore just getting out of bed. I’m here to talk to you any time. Take care.X


After reading your post i too felt the horrid pain of your not recieving the support you need from so called friends and family at this horredous time. As has been said keep posting your darkest thoughts di not bottle them up. Ic you feel you can reach out to the other support grouos myself found the good grief trust was a life saver. Sending virtilual hugs wish these were real. Allen


I’ve just read your post… wow.
Strick’s me youve been so strong and everyone’s rock and safe place.
Boundaries for me are really tough and I totally relate.
So so selfish to ask for money or your time x
Sounds like you’ve been so kind and thoughtful to everyone but yourself.
Time to be your own best friend. You are so kind and as for the “long post” don’t sweat it. Takes enormous courage to be so vulnerable. And it totally resonated with me. I have had very similar experiences lately.
Sending you love and kindness xx


I still don’t understand this forum as I hadn’t seen your post.
So sorry you felt so low and makes me cross I didn’t see in a timely fashion to respond.

Thank heavens for your darling dog. You did an amazing thing helping your friend and it’s very sad she has not been there for you. You’ve been through the anniversary too and I didn’t see in time to message you. There are so many tough times on this journey but you ARE managing, no matter how much you feel as if you aren’t.
Much love to you and hugs. xxx

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