I’m sorry for another long post. This is the only way I can get my true feelings out. Please be aware that this is a deeply upsetting and heartbreaking post written by me a woman that is totally broken and lost….
Writing this post is tearing me apart but I feel the need to be open to people that doesn’t know me as you might understand how I’m feeling more than the people that do know me…. As I write this the tears are flowing, the dread, the fear, the loneliness is overwhelming…. It feels as though I’ve lost myself…
I wasn’t going to send Christmas cards this year as I couldn’t write the words happy Christmas. But after getting a few cards through the door and thinking about it I decided to get personalised cards made and put a simple greeting inside saying “seasons greetings to you, we hope 2023 is a happy and bright new year” but at least I made the effort.
Several people that know me responded to me after I sent them a Christmas card. I’ve not seen or heard from them since the funeral. They said they wanted to reach out to me but didn’t as they thought I needed space and time to myself. That’s the last thing I need. They didn’t know what to say to me. All they kept saying was it’ll be ok, it gets easier in time, we’re here if you need anything, we’re here if you need to talk. When talking to them it felt so awkward, so unnatural. They asked how I was doing and
I tried speaking the truth but I got the same reply it’ll be ok and so on. NO it won’t be ok. How can it be. My beloved husband, my soul mate, my best friend has gone. 25 magical years, my inperfect but to me perfect life has gone. My family have always been so close but now they avoid me as much as they can and when they do see me it feels like they’re treading on egg shells around me. Everything feels so awkward now with my family and friends.
Why can’t they treat me the way they’ve always treated me? Why can’t they just give me a hug?
I’m still me, the daughter, the grandaughter, the sister, the friend. I’ve not changed. I’m just trying to grieve for the love of my life.
Why can’t they just hug me instead of saying it’ll be ok. Actions speak much louder than words.
I’ve always been there for anyone and even helped one of them. After receiving my card they phoned me that was 2 weeks before Christmas they said “hi, asked how I was, told me everything would be ok and after a few minutes she started crying saying they had no money for Christmas. I felt sorry for them and asked what she needed. Well I didn’t have enough money for what she wanted. I said I’d do what I could but didn’t have the amount she wanted. She sent me a list of shopping she wanted, So I did my best with a very limited budget myself. But I still helped. I got them some shopping they wanted and got it delivered and then transferred them the last of my money. She said they’d repay me but I said there’s no rush only when they had the spare money to afford it. I wasn’t worried I trusted them. I thought finally maybe someone was actually there for me. Someone I could talk too, A so called friend I’d known since starting high school. A so called friend of 39 years. She said she’d be busy until Christmas but said they’d come and see me on the 27th which I was looking forward to, my kids put out some party food for them but they never turned up. I’ve not heard from them since the day they asked me for help. I’ve tried calling and my daughter popped around with a note I wrote saying not to worry about the money, I text them the same thing and said I’m always here for them but nothing. It broke my heart. Well they won’t get any help from me again. 39 years of friendship down the drain.
I don’t know if any of you can relate to this… But the pain I feel being treated the way I am is… well I just can’t put it into words.
Every day I am absolutely terrified, alone and lost. Even though I have a supportive family and my children. I have never been so scared in my whole life, I’ve never felt more lost and alone. It honestly feels like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know if that makes sense.
I never did decorate the house for Christmas. I just couldn’t do it. But I decorated the area where Jason’s box is and made that area look nice for him.
Over the past week I’ve been so deeply depressed. The pain in my heart is unbearable. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Christmas Eve was a blur, I was having panic attack after panic attack. I was just numb inside. I reached for my medication and started taking the tablets out of the packets… I put them in a pot and wrote a letter. Then as I was getting everything sorted and in order my dog Pugzy, my little baby girl, my 6 year old very spoilt pug jumped on me, pawing my hands and licking me. That made me jump and brought me to my senses. Giving Pugzy lots of love and attention I picked up the phone and phoned the Samaritans. After a while someone answered and I spent over 2 hours talking to them. I told them how I was feeling and what had happened. They was so good. It helped a little talking to them and they said call back anytime. I don’t know why I did what I did. I don’t understand it and am even more lost and confused now. I’ve spoken to my doctor and he’s going to get me some counselling. I think myself very lucky I’ve got my pugzy. I might not be here now if it wasn’t for her. She’s my little hero and has been spoilt even more since…
We went to my mums Christmas Day like planned but it was all a blur. We only stayed a couple of hours, that was as long as I could manage as I felt very poorly. I just had to lay down whilst there. But the kids had a nice time spending time with their nans…
Since Christmas everything has been a complete blur to me. I can’t remember most of the week. It turns out I’ve got a viral infection that’s why I’ve been so poorly. I’m slowly on the mend now but must rest…
I won’t be seeing the new year in, I’m going to bed early, I’m dreading it as the first anniversary is coming up (11th January) I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. I just wish I could got to sleep and wake up and it all been a nightmare. But I know that’s not the case…
I’m sorry the post is so long. My doctor said it was good to talk to people about my feelings and also to write it down so every day I write down how I’m feeling. I don’t know if it helps yet but I’m willing to try anything if it helps.
Does it ever get better?
If anyone is feeling as low as I was on Christmas Eve I’m always here if you need someone to talk to. I’d never want anyone to go through that.
Sending my best wishes to you all xx
