Why is it...

Just over one year on and I have tried so very hard to be positive.
This start of the second year appears to be far worse than the first!
It seems to be difficult to get motivated to do things, anything.
I know how it helps to go walking, join groups, talk to people which it feels like I did for the whole of last year.
For some reason this year I’d like to hide away and not speak to people.
Want to scream at myself, where has your positive attitude gone?. What is the matter with you?
Anyone else gone or going through this on the second year?
Tomorrow is another day, (as in gone with the wind), though with these gales it’s a wonder my roof hasn’t gone with the wind!
Positive, positive, positive!
Shall stop wallowing in self pity, get out my chainsaw tomorrow and chop wood as though my life depended on it.

Yes, it’s nearly 2 years for me and it’s been hell. l’ve got no interest in life at all and can’t concentrate on anything. I do what needs doing to keep the house, car and garden in order but that’s about it.
I get really upset every day, have trouble sleeping and just wish I could hide away where nobody knows me… You’re not alone feeling like this. Sx

1 Like

How I identify with your words! I lost my husband just over 2 years ago. Year one was to be got through. Year two I feel sometimes I just want tone be on my own. This isn’t always good though. Pick and chouse what you do don’t cram your weeks too full. Be gentle on yourself. Dot

1 Like

Hi 12remember
Stay positive because my roof did go with the wind! :open_mouth:

Hi 12 remember it is coming up 14 months for me, and if anything I feel worse now than I did 6 months ago, I fill my days with decorating, cleaning cupboards and walking the dog, I have felt like this since September, I also lost my only sister in July, I have great kids and grandkids but I can’t talk to them about how I feel, because it is so hard to put into words,i feel bereft and have a constant knot In my stomach. I am just praying that when the better weather comes my mood may lift take care Jan x

1 Like

I’m so glad you guys came on today because I feel very much the same. It’s 15 months now since my loss and the first part of last year went reasonably well. But just lately I have had a lot of ‘what’s the point’. I think when we had our loved ones so much of what we did was to please them. Now it all seems rather pointless. Stay positive!! Yes, I agree, and I do make the effort, but I seem stuck in a time warp. (Yeah, like Star Trek!!).
‘Groundhog day’ would be more appropriate.
Mornings are the worse. I am alone and wake up to the ‘noise’ of an empty house, if you know what I mean! No kettle boiling, or sounds of teacups. Am I wallowing? Maybe, but emotions come as they please and I know how difficult it can be. I expect ups and downs. ‘give it time’ I am told. Well I have. Of course, I am aware that 15 months is so little time. My light does get brighter and, by and large, I am better than I was, but the pain is still there and very much so at times.
‘Another day another dollar’ as they say. It’s all we can do, take it a day at a time. I think the worse part is all the ‘triggers’ that occur. The reminders of better days. Once again there is no stopping them. We have to go with it all without resistance. Trying too hard to be ‘happy’ whatever that means, is counter productive. I Iive in a community and it’s so quiet. Now that can be a good thing, but although everyone is so kind it still hurts when I look out of the window at the beautiful grounds we have here and that my wife loved so much. Here I go again!!! It’s so easy to fall into the trap of despair and sadness. It’s not going to happen. I will have moments, we all will, but I intend to move on. It may be slow folks but we will get there however long it takes. Blessings to all. Love. John.


I so agree with your sentiments. It is 17 months for me, and I find each day a chore to be got through.l too have forced myself to join groups, I would never normally show an interest in, meet with people l have nothing in common with, just to keep the terrible loneliness at bay. We did everything together and I miss the days out, the weekends away, the long walks in the country, looking forward to a nice meal a glass of wine, maybe listen to music, just miss everything we once had. Most of all I miss my darling Rae. He was taken far too soon. I’m so tired of pretending everything’s alright. My only family are two grown up sons who live four and five hours drive away. One told me ,". Mum, you need to give yourself a good talking to". I expect he’s right! In the meantime I will have another go at filling today in somehow. Take care.

Groundhog Day is so right John, I do all the things expected of me, I mix, I laugh in the right places etc but it is my inner self, the part people don’t see that is constantly churning, having that person in your life who knows what your thinking, who can finish your sentences for you, who can comfort you with just a special look, nothing I do can replace that, friends say at least you have your kids and dog, I smile and say yes I’m very fortunate, but inside I think yes but it’s not him it’s not enough, I guess I will always miss that special closeness and eventually learn to live with it, take care Jan x

1 Like

My wife died on 2nd July 2018 and this forum helped me enormously.
I don’t post very often but do read people’s stories.
This post I just had to reply to as I feel pretty much the same. I have really tried to be positive and build this new life I keep hearing about but have no idea what it is. In the early dark days I focused on my granddaughter and my sons wedding plus my daughter was still living with me. My granddaughter is almost 2 and this last week my daughter has moved in to her own house and my son was married last Thursday.
I now find the dark lonely days are getting worse and that churning feeling is back with a vengeance. I’m finding the silence in the house very hard to deal with and the what’s the point feels is surfacing again.
Perhaps I’m also wallowing in self pity but just had to reply with my feelings.

No William, I don’t think you’re wallowing in self pity at all.
The total loss of day to day companionship is what I miss so much. When you’re used to sharing meals, chats, jokes everyday concerns with your wife or husband there is no substitute for this.
Yesterday I had 2 things I really wanted to talk to my husband about but I had nobody to tell. In the end I texted my sister but she doesn’t know the people concerned so it meant nothing to her. All I got was a "oh really " back.
It’s times like that make me feel so alone in this life.
My neighbour used to leave the radio.in 24/7 after his wife died .It helped him but hasn’t worked for me.
Like you I’m struggling to find any point at all.
You’ve had a lot going on recently that you would have shared with your wife so I can
understand how you must feel. Wishing you well Sadme

Hi there everyone seems to be in the same boat ,just coming up to two years for me since my wife passed away ,and each day seems to be worse I suffer with anxiety and find it hard to find any motivation,the only conclusion I can come up with is that the shock has worn off and now it’s the realisation of what we are left with ,take care jon

Hi all, yes afraid I’m joining you all on this. I am keeping occupied, busy even, not particularly lonely but there is that emptiness from within if that is the right word. I am an impatient person and foolishly thought that after a few months I would be able to pick up the pieces of my life. I set myself six months, well that didn’t work, so fine I moved my time to nine months then a year, now I am also over a year and although i do feel I am coping reasonably well the slightest little hiccup and I’m in bits, this is just not me. So where do we all go from here. We just plod through life trying hard to adapt.
I should have met up with a group this afternoon and then done some shopping but to be honest I couldn’t be bothered. So I’m having a chat to you good people and listening to music instead.
Jonathan is right we will get there if we truly try hard.
Pat xxx

I am surprised and heartened that this thread has engendered so many responses in one day. It has been comforting for me to realise that my inability to " move forward", make a new life, accept that this is how it is , and I must find a way to deal with it! I honestly felt ,that somehow , I was a failure, wallowing in self pity. Why couldn’t I see life as a gift, something to be treasured, when all I can keep repeating in my defence, is that was before, now is after. All, so very different. I have gained so much from your posts today. I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. It does take time,far longer than I ever imagined, but more especially , on this site,a feeling of , My god others are feeling the same. I might be normal. Thanks for your help today.

1 Like

Yes, i think to a degree the initial shock protects you . Then reality hits you !

That’s exactly it. This is how it’s going to be forever . Quite terrifying. We talk about one step at a time,… It definitely works to get through the raw loss and devastation, things aren’t so bad, I get out of bed. I’ve kept the house, the garden, the car going… On the face of it I’m just fine . What a fiasco! We know different… Take care.

To everyone.
Thank you all for posting.
It has made me realise that I’m not alone in feeling this way after thirteen months.
Thirteen months isn’t so long to cope with a complete change in life.
Think one of the worst things is the silence.
I’ve taken to leaving the radio on when I venture out, then on my return there’s noise when I open the door, I’m not met with silence.
Guess there are bound to be down days, just have to hope for more good than bad days.
Perhaps I was too optimistic in setting myself targets to achieve in order to carry on with life.
Think I shall play “what a wonderful world” by Louis Armstrong on repeat to make me thankful for what I do have.

I was told recently that when grieving if we look after ourselves, eating, cleaning the house, doing the shopping etc all this is coping. It doesn’t feel like it to us but I do feel a sense of achievement at the end of each day and I have managed to do all these things and more. Whether it’s me coping I’m not sure but I am moving onto another day with plans and that is my target.

Hi, been thinking of you today going at it with your chainsaw. I was working yesterday, digging and weeding. Spreading muck, Making sure everything is battened down before we have another weekend of winds (how I hate them). Doing all this work makes me more positive.
Today I drove the car to go shopping, negotiating two road works and lights, one lot stuck on ‘stop’ so I jumped them, never done that before!!! High winds, raining so hard I couldn’t see the road. Flooded roads. Had no time to wallow, so I suppose a sort of blessing.
Take care xxx

Hi Pattidot
Good to hear your working hard on your plot. Hope you end up with plenty of good veg after all this work.
I’m a whiz on the old chainsaw now, must have missed my vocation!
Can get out a lot of suppressed anger with digging and sawing!
Am also trying to sort my garden as would like to hold a tea party and raise funds for dementia research. Have to get a white pinny and cake stands. Do it proper like.
Might sell any excess veg and flowers.
All this occupies my mind and stops the “what if” moments.
Could even add firewood for sale as well!

Your right, the first year I found was taken up with organising things, doing jobs that needed to be done and generally keeping busy. No time to sit and think, busy, busy.
Suddenly it’s like brakes have been put on and the absolute realisation that the purpose and privilege I had in caring for my partner twenty four hours a day seven days a week has gone.
There’s a void that whatever I do, how many logs I chop, how much digging and planting can never fill.
Have to pick myself up and carry on.
It’s still a wonderful world, just not as magical for me as it once was.

1 Like