Hi. All.
I think all these posts and this thread emphasise how important it is to try and live in the moment. No one knows what will happen in the future. It’s all uncharted territory and we have to find our own way because there are no maps to guide us. Each of us will come to terms with the pain in our own way. I too made the mistake of thinking about a year should do it. That was stupid. It’s because I was told that by well meaning people, and I had no real idea of what bereavement meant. None of us will ever forget. But we will gradually be able to make our own routine and make life a little more pleasant, given time.
Like most of you I too feel the loneliness. Someone to exchange ideas with and to talk to. But in doing that am I wallowing? I try to practice Mindfulness. It’s about living in the moment. I do get results now and then, but intrusive thoughts still come in unbidden. I wish there was a switch we could use to shut our mind off and have rest for a while.
Take care everyone. We all belong to this club that none of us want to be members of. But thank God for it and this site and all of you lovely people. And that includes Admin. See!! you are not forgotten Blessings. John.
Hi Jonathan, I hope you’re doing OK. I learned early on not to take on board expectations that others instilled on me. Took little, if any notice of those who had not experienced what I am experiencing and, not much more notice of those who have either 
I never understood how there could be comparisons. Surely our grief is as individual as our marriages and, or relationships and characters. I refuse also to sign up to the membership of a club. I will not let my grief define who I am, define the life I live and most importantly define my thoughts and feelings for my husband. I try very hard to appreciate and remember my good fortunes in life. My marriage was pretty much the jackpot. I didn’t stop being married when my husband died, I am married to him still. I love him still. Nothing changed in those areas for me. I feel him around me and with me so very often. Of course I miss his presence. Our time together. I feel emptiness and sadness and all those things. I can’t though dwell on those feelings. I love him. I love him. I love him. And loving him always made me very happy. Why should that change. I love him still. My sadness and grief is only a small part of who I am today. The love and happiness he brought into my life many years ago is a far, far bigger part of all that I am.
I suppose all I’m trying to say is, and this is my opinion only, signing up to be members of clubs means we’re changing our mindset. All that we have always really been as people. Defining ourselves as widows, widowers, grieving individuals. I don’t want to join any clubs. I want to stay married and in love with my hubby, stay the person I have always been, living my life the way I always have, whilst holding my husband close. Just as I always did. I guess I’m a social member. Like I am at the local golf club. I go in there occasionally to meet up with friends. I don’t play golf though and I haven’t any interest in knowing the rules of the game. A bit like the SR forum. I drop in occasionally to catch up with friends but, I don’t want to join the grief club as a full member and I don’t want to know the rules that I’m supposed to adhere to. I refuse to be defined by my current situation. This is just a sad chapter in my book of love, happiness and smiles. The book defines me. Not the chapter 
Love to you x
My dear CW, your post is so brilliantly worded. I hear and feel every word. I feel pretty much the same as you. I was being encouraged to join WayUp but honestly, it’s not for me. I couldn’t think of much worse than sitting down to lunch with a group of widows/widowers. Really, that’s not a club I want to be in. Of course, it suits some and that’s a good thing. Just not me. As you say, I don’t want to be defined either. Certainly not as a widow.
I am completely obsessed with my husband. I am addicted to him. I can’t get enough of him, never could. People said to me just before David retired,
“Won’t he get on your nerves being home all the time?”
WHAT! Never, never, never. I adored being in his company. Whether it was chatting or in silence. It was nearly always chatting though . We always had so much to say to each other.
You have a great way with words CW, very eloquent. I have kept certain posts, those which really get to me and this is one of those. Sending love 
Oh Kate, you make me smile so much. I too appreciate my way is not the right way, wrong way or the way of others. We are what we are and we do what we do. Here’s to individuality and chapters not books
Hi again. Thank you for such a lovely post. I feel that way often. I suppose the only thing we share in common is grief. All else is personal and known only to us. “The book defines me not the chapter”. Oh yes, we need to read the whole book first before we make any judgments. Everyone is unique. Of the billions of people on Earth everyone is unique. This is why I know that it doesn’t end here. Our consciousness goes on in some form.
Thanks again for your post. Blessings.
Thank you CW13 and Kate, I’m certainly a non conformer in respect of what people may feel I should do. I was pretty independent when I met my husband and he didn’t take that away from me in our 49 years together. Missed me so much when I went off on an adventure but coming home was always pretty amazing.
So, I continue on my adventures…now solo by choice…and coming home still amazing as that’s where I become one with him again 
I’m heading there now after a stay in Harrogate x
Hi SanW your post makes me smile. I never got my wings clipped either. My hubby always told me that Pigeons flock together and eagles fly alone. We missed each other too when I took an adventure that he didn’t fancy but yes, coming home was on another level! I’m packing my bags at the moment as I have another trip to Australia next week. Very much looking forward to the hugs and smiles of my family and very much looking forward to the hugs I still feel from my husband on my return to our home
PS. For any pigeon lovers out there, I’m not disrespecting pigeons…
x
CW I do agree with you, it will be 6 months tomorrow (15/2) since I found my husband on our bedroom floor, he had died.
This afternoon, I could not stop thinking about him, the pain was practically unbearable, it is easing a little as I type this post, I hate to appear selfish we are all in the same boat. Thank you for such an uplifting post and my thanks to all of you who have responded to this topic and to those who have responded to other topics too.
Blessings,
MaryL
Hi all/ I am so pleased I logged on this evening. Didn’t feel much like it today, one of those days, you all know what I mean.
How I can relate to what you all say, my thanks, you have helped me this evening and I have taken on board what you have all said. I understand exactly what you are all saying and agree.
But I am disappointed in myself. I thought I could get through this much quicker. I am hoping I will do a sudden turnaround but it’s not going to happen is it. Now I am expecting much more of myself.
John, how I agree with you, I so wish there was a switch we could use. I don’t like days like I have had today. It seems a bit pointless to me. I have accepted that my life is now different so I have to learn to get on with the life that has now been thrown at me. My Brian was a very matter of fact person, never one for the dramatics so I don’t think he would be very impressed with me somedays.
I to try Mindfullness but my brain seems to go into overdrive. Occasionally I do succeed but I can also fall asleep and I don’t think that’s right is it.
I also have been joining in with grief groups but I’m not sure this is for me. I am so grateful to the forum though, so happy to stay with it, but when I go out socially I want to be just that, social. I also have the same hobbies and interests which I shared with Brian and which I still enjoy. Some things I have chosen to give up though. One is travelling/holidays/camping. Perhaps one day…
Take care and once again many thanks.
Pat xxx
Hello Pat,
Please do not be disappointed in yourself, you have done wonders, you are always here to offer your advice and opinion, it is much appreciated, your Brian will be proud of you.
Blessings,
Mary x x
Hi Mary, nice to hear from you, how are you getting on.
Brian would probably wonder what all the fuss is about. Always a quiet man.
love to you
Pat
Yeah Pat. I posted some time ago about the ‘YO YO’ effect in bereavement. Day to day it changes with our mood. Up and down. We have to accept and weather the bad days, and try and make a little progress in the good days. I call a lot of this ‘after shock’. It’s like an earthquake. The full force is felt with the initial shock, then comes a series of ‘after shocks’ as memories and ‘triggers’ appear. If we struggle with the emotions it only makes them worse. However hard it may seem we need to relax into the feelings and emotions. Let them come, but see them for what they are. The natural process of bereavement.
We all do our best, it’s all we can do. If they put on my tombstone ‘He did his best’ that will be enough for me.
Take care Pat. Love. John.
Hello
Sorry much of what you …and everyone replying says rings true with me. It’s the second year for me and it’s equally as hard if not harder but in a different wayou. I am so anxious about what is round the corner. I do go out and do things but really dislike making plans. I want to stay in my refuge my home. If I go anywhere I mostry drive myself as I need to know I can come home when I want. Sometimes I really can’t be bothered and feel tired I then wonder when or if this stops. I looked and found this forum on a bad day. It was so good …soRay everyone…to find lots of people feel the same. Chin up everyone we love and are loved .
Hello Dot, I know what you mean about being anxious and afraid to make plans. I have just gone through a horrible weekend of storms and flooding all around, I live in South Wales, and I really panicked here in my own. My husband died September 2018,and I haven’t had the courage to join much . We were pretty self sufficient with our own company, so it’s not in my nature to join groups and clubs . But oh how lonely and bleak these days can be. Glad you have found this forum, we are all in the same boat, just at different stages of this solitary path. Take care
Hi, I know how you’re feeling I lost my husband 20 months ago. I was told last week that the first year you grieve for the person that’s died, the second year you grieve for yourself and the third year you start to smile at the memories.
That is such a lovely thought. It is true for me so far,17 months in.
Thanks for those words Lynn and so true. I am now in my second year and was beginning to notice that my grief was more for me and what I now have to cope with alone. I didn’t quite understand my feelings.
Pat xx