Why now

I know this post isn’t really a bereavement as such but I am still grieving my husband who I lost almost two years ago .
My mum yesterday had to go into an assessment respite care place and Iv been to see her today and she made I quite clear she don’t like it there and wants to come home . But Iv had the most horrendous two weeks with her getting really anxious and calling me all hours through the day and night and I’m absolutely shattered 6 hrs sleep in a week is no good for anyone. She knows full well that if Rob was still here he would have something to say . All I want is a quiet life to remember my husband and think about the things we used to do, instead Iv got my mum playing me up like you wouldn’t believe

Hi do yourself a favour and be kind to yourself for a change. Leave you mum where she is and take a break before you end up in hospital. My friend had a similar situation with her mum when she lost her husband and it drove her close to a breakdown. She’s playing up because you’re allowing her to. Just take a deep breath and step away. Two years is no time at all. I lost my John 15 months ago and cannot imagine caring for someone else when I myself feel so fragile.

Sending much love
Georgina x

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Georgina thank you so much the staff at the care home have said don’t visit but I don’t want my mum to think Iv just dumped her there and left her . But I do nee a break from her at the same time the last two weeks have been the hardest of my life I was emotionally, physically and mentally drained take care Karen

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Oh kazzer I’m in a similar situation my father died 18 months ago then my husband 6 months ago my mother is challenging to say the least my father pandered to her she totally challenged health care professionals with her anxiety she is totally self obsessed and has little time for others and behaves like a child and causes me no end of stress finally I just wasn’t coping and fortunately my dear friends managed to put a care package together to relieve me of some of the responsibility she has three carers who vist my mum of course they think she is a lovely old lady and she behaves herself so far and so I can limit my vists but I do understand the guilt it’s awful take care

Kazzer, your post touched me, like these other posts that have replied to you. Firstly I want to say my heart goes out to you for your double loss and what you’ve gone through.l found myself in a similar situation. Just two months after losing my darling husband suddenly 20 months ago, I found myself being a full time carer for my mother in law, who had fallen, broken thighbone, surgery, 10 days in hospital, then at home completely bedridden, and suffering from dementia (she had been for the last 3/4 yrs) . Being extremely overweight, me and my daughter couldn’t manage on our own (my son was working) had to pay for a night carer, so at least we could go home to rest before I was back on the road at 7am (20 minute drive) to my MIL’s house. I remember I was going crazy, especially because there was no cooperation on her part, refused to collaborate with the physiotherapist who visited twice a week, and her dementia getting worse. One day I just freaked out, crying out: “I haven’t even had time to grieve for my husband!”, and I ewas terribly angry at her for having given my husband such a hard time the last few years. He was so worried about her deteriorating mental condition, she exasperated him, always saying no, didn’t want to be helped, although she was unable to care for herself, just refused to move in with us. So in the end I had to send her to a rehabilitation/rest home, and oh how I felt guilty, but I had no choice, perhaps if my husband was still here we could have managed together. Luckily, the carers and physiotherapists there got her walking again, a I had lost all hope. But her dementia got worse, although she was finally taking her meds which had forgotten to do for years. She died 8 months later, and I felt guilty again because I was still so full of grief for my beloved husband that I felt as if I had ‘no space’ in my heart to grieve for her, this really hurt me and now I still still feel bitter towards her for having treated my husband so awfully. Even the evening before he passed away, he yet again had pleaded his mother to move in with us, especially because we were about to start another Covid lockdown, otherwise he’d have to go backwards and forwards everyday to clean for her, taking her shopping, risking being stopped at the police block, because we lived in a different municipal area and weren’t allowed to cross the border.
(I live in Italy, by the way) our restrictions were the toughest in Europe, I believe. She said ‘No’, and never saw him again. She obviously didn’t remember all this, but I did, still do.
Sorry if I went on a bit, but these feelings of bitterness just have to come out now and then…
Wishing you strength, take care.

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Firstly I am so sorry for the lose of your husband, you certainly need a break from visiting your Mother, but I do understand it when you say you don’t want your Mom to feel like you have dumped her in the home and left her.
Do you have anyone else in your family to visit your Mom, we had a similar situation in our Family were my Mom had to go into care but she played up towards my sister big time, which made my sister feel guilty but when either I went or another member of our family went to visit her she was totally different, when we reported back to my sister about this it made my sister feel a lot better to think that she wasn’t like that towards other people, Hope you can work something out for both of you.Take Care Mickere x

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