Widowed at 37

My beautiful husband died very suddenly and very unexpectedly last Monday. He was diagnosed with bowel cancer in October had major surgery in November and recovered well the surgery went well. Cancer cells had escaped into the blood and lymph so chemo was suggested. He started chemo last Sunday and had a cardiac arrest at home on Sunday. I did cpr until the paramedics got to him but he died in hospital. He was just 40. Today was the post mortem likely it will go to coroners inquest. We have two daughters aged 12 and 10 and have been together 18 years.
If it weren’t for our girls I would have killed my self just to be with him.

Oh i am so sorry,stick with this group,it won’t take the pain away but i am getting a lot of comfort from feeling that others understand,it is the hardest, desperate, intense pain,facing life without my lovely Roy is unbearable and i wish i had gone with him.Thinking of you and sending much love,Corinna xx

I am so sorry for your tragic loss. What a terrible thing for someone so young. I know the pain is unbearable, in fact everything is unbearable at the moment but you do have your daughters to think of, so you must struggle on. It will be a struggle at the moment. I keep being told that it does get better but I haven’t reached that stage yet. I lost my husband of 30 years two months ago. I too wanted to be with my him but it was my two lovely dogs that made me think again. My thoughts and I am sure many others will be with you. Please keep posting, it will help in moments of deep distress and in a funny sort of way knowing that there are many of us out there suffering such pain and you are not alone is beneficial to you. God bless you and your children

My husband also had bowel cancer opp but had cancer of the lymph nodes did the 8 sessions of chemo then everything seemed to go wrong and died November we have been married 44 years. Life is hard but dying so young when u think u r going to b with each other forever. You all must be devastated and still trying to get your head around what’s happened. I was in a fog for a few weeks not sure what I was doing still feel that way sometimes. I know your girls are a comfort to you but u are all grieving and it will b hard hope you have a good support unit around. Thinking of u all xx

Oh Helen my heart really goes out to you as I completely understand the pain you are going through. My lovely husband was diagnosed with lymphoma in October. He underwent a round of radiotherapy and was due to start chemotherapy, but he sadly died suddenly of a blood clot on his lung. This was at the end of November. He was in hospital but I was at home and did not get there in time. I know people told me I would not have wanted to see him die but I am so upset by the fact that he would have been scared and knew what was happening to him. I have been desperate to be with him. I am 52 so a bit older than you but just cannot imagine living my life without him. However, I have grown up children, and a new grandchild on the way, and I cannot put them through the pain I am going to. I have prayed that I would die a natural death so that they would not have to cope with the thought of me killing myself, but sadly I guess it is not my time. I am now nearly 7 weeks down this horrible road and I would love to tell you it gets easier. I have cried buckets, I yearn for him all the time. I am desperate to know that he is still with me and is watching over me. I constantly go over what happened but the good thing is that by being on this forum I realise I am not the only one who feels like this. What we have been through is such a traumatic experience and your whole life has turned on a pin head. If possible focus on your girls, try to eat little and often and cry and scream as much as you want. We will be here for you too xx

Hi Helen, I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband. I lost mine 5 months ago, age 60 to prostate cancer. Your husband was so young, as are you and I really feel for you. You have your girls to live for but I can so understand how you feel. Grief is so hard so go easy on yourself. People are so lovely and kind here and I’m sure will give you some comfort
Love Julie x

Dear Helen, I lost my lovely husband 14 weeks ago and he was only 48, so I know how dreadful it is. The pain and misery is beyond the wildest imaginings of those who have not lost someone but it is the price we pay for love. I know from talking to others and reading the posts on here that you are definitely not alone in wanting to die, I certainly had a very strong wish to leave this place to be with him.
There is nothing wrong with the feelings we all experience after such a trauma but please do not act. Your children need you more than ever. I find it useful to keep telling myself to accept the feelings as normal and try to ride them out. You are very much at the start of a terrribly hard journey as you already know, but you have all our support here and you can post all the thoughts that you cannot express to those too close to the situation and we will understand as we are all in so many ways similar in our grief. Try not to keep the tears in. Take yourself away from people for a few minutes if necessary and really let it out. It really helps. My grief counsellor recommended going somewhere where no one can hear you and have a scream and shout. Please get some grief counselling - I started mine last week- through the local hospice. It is SO worthwhile. I hope you get lots of support from your family and friends. I wish you peace. X

It’s awful lost my partner suddenly in May to a heart attack he was only 48. I was in total shock the first few weeks. I have 2 boys that keep me going but there were times I wish I went instead. I hope you are getting lots of support .
Take care
Christine x

Hello Helen, how are you today. Have been thinking about you all day. Not much I can say that these lovely people haven’t already. I agree do have a good old yell, let the sobs shake your body. I do and I sometimes wonder how my body can cope but it does and I feel better for it. I too hoped that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning but then I worried what would happen to my dogs who are sleeping with me and would they be found. (No one checking on me every day.) Daft isn’t it what goes on in your scrambled brain. You will be in a black hole of despair but you must find a way to fight your way out of it as you have your daughters to also help through their grief. Be strong and keep posting we are all here suffering with you. God blessxxxx

I can’t cope with not seeing or speaking to him until I am also dead does anyone here believe their partners are with them watching them

I would like to know that too,Helen I feel for you so much,I know we must struggle on but I would so love for something to take me away from all this pain,everything seems so pointless now doesn’t it.We must stick together because nobody has any idea what this is like,except us lot.I never thought it possible to cry so much.Loads of love to everyone xx

Hello Helen. Yes, without a doubt my husband is with me. I never thought much about the spirit world but I am learning now. I am told that they go to a wonderful place, with joy and happiness and are looked after very well. I have things happen that I know is my husband contacting me. One incident was when I was arranging for his ashes to be placed in a woodland burial. I was so upset that I left with the dogs and went for a walk. I felt weird and knew something wasn’t right. I asked my Brian to help me, I was still worrying when two days later a friend of his rang me out of the blue and said he knew I was worried about something. He told me that Brian didn’t want to go to the Woodland but back to his home town to be with his grandparents who brought him up. It was so weird but we both knew that Brian had managed to contact me and I did what he wished, he is now with his grandparent just up the road from me.Overlooking the river and sea where he sailed his boats and spent all his life. I visit him everyday and talk to him. Still ask him to help or advise me, still keep him a big part of my life. I’m managing to do it now without sobbing. I write him a letter every night and tell him everything I’ve done that day and discuss things with him when looking at a photo of him on the coffee table. I light a candle and just pour my heart out. Second best I know. I talk to him more now than ever, he’s probably sick of the sound of me. One night I couldn’t sleep, I was wide awake and then I heard his voice call me, it was just my name but so clear. There have been other incidents as well. I find myself waiting and looking for him now. I am determined to keep him a part of my life, he won’t get away from me that easy. So please, please Helen hang in there. We all struggle exactly the same as you. I find myself touching my husband’s photo. His face, hands, arms I too can’t believe that I won’t have him for real, but determined to learn to cope. I am a bit further on in grief to you though. My thoughts are with you. Keep posting, we will help you.

Hi Helen, I know exactly how you feel. I struggle with the thought of not seeing or speaking to George until I am also dead. I have read so much about the afterlife since George has died and I am desperate to believe he is with me. I must admit I feel much more at peace when I am at home. His ashes are here and move round the house with me. I have 2 grown up children and they think I am crazy. I must admit I have never seen so many feathers (which are meant to be signs from heaven) when I am out walking. I laugh and tell George I get the message, and count them every time I go out. I talk to George all the time, I cry throughout the day and I feel as if someone is sitting on my chest. I suppose I will never know for definite that he is with me still but I am determined to believe he is and for now that is enough for me. Take care xx

My darling husband Ian is with me every day. Sometimes I smell him and I’ve felt him touch my shoulder. I’ve heard him call me. So many things have happened since he passed 5months ago, it could only be him. He told me he would try his best to contact me and he certainly has. I can’t wait to be with him again, I totally believe we will be together again when it’s my time to go. Just got to walk this path without him until then. I try to be strong for him.
Sending you peace and understanding
Julie x

This is the toughest time of your life but your girls need you and you will get through it - one day at a time. My husband was 49 when he died and my children all much older but I do understand how you feel, I was 46 when he died and still had a 17 year old at home, if he and my youngest daughter hadn’t needed me so much I too would have probably ended it all but 19 months on I can tell you that it gets easier and although it is a horrible time you need to just keep trying every day to be kind to yourself and accept help if it is offered. Everyone here torally understands! Huge hugs xxxxxx

Hi Helen, Not heard from you for a day or two. Thinking of you.

Hi Helen, I think that’s the hardest part, wanting to say and talk but not knowing if it’s ever going to happen. Or if it is, knowing we have to wait many years for that opportunity. My kids are all grown up but I have young grandchildren. Of course I want to be there for them but like you I thought about ending it all. It’s not so much leaving the kids that worries me so much, but what my wife will say when I see her again. She would go ballistic, I can hear her now. “one job that’s all I left you with, to look after the kids and you’ve given up, what now who’s there for them”
So I carry on, like a ghost , here but not here. I am a completely different person to the one I was 4 months ago. I rarely smile, I’ve lost so much weight. I’m impatient anxious. I’m frightened of living on my own for the rest of my life. Will I see her again, I think so. I constantly have her in my thoughts and yes I talk to her all the time. Hang on in there Helen, this forum helps, the people on here help. Take care xxx

Hello Stevie Wee, pleased to hear that your respecting your dear wife’s wishes. What can I say that will help you at this time, I don’t know. For me I try to do something each day that I don’t particularly want to do. I smile at people when I walk the dogs. Have a plan to smile and a pleasant hello to at least three people every day. We was healthy eaters and I rebelled when Brian died and started to eat rubbish, now I am going to make an effort to eat healthy again. I used to go to the gym a couple of times a week and hope to try to go there again soon. It’s all so hard, one step forward and three back. Do try Stevie, just little things.
I was listening to a Johnny Mathis CD today and thought of you and all those men hurting when he sang a song called ‘A time for us’, It’s a love theme from Romeo and Juliet. Quite beautiful. Take care.

Hi Pattidot
Your plan you mention Pattidot,to smile at people and be pleasant to at least three people is just lovely.You are giving joy,while inside you are carrying so much sadness.I try to do just that each day,i decided many months ago,that i could wake up each day with the feeling of dread,which i did do at first,and the rest of my day would reflect that,my mood would be on the bottom most of the day,nothing interested me,and each day seemed so empty.I knew i didn’t want to feel like that ,it wasn’t going to help me,or anyone around me.I got up one morning and told myself ,"you can do this,you will do this ,you have tremendous coping abilities"i have said this affirmation every day .So i admire your approach to it all Pattidot,it’s damn hard but you are doing your best.xx

It certainly is hard, never struggled so much in my life. I cry now when I’m alone, when at home or even out walking with the dogs. But my public face is a smile and a chat. I can revert backwards and forwards now. I try to keep on the go all day. Because my step-family have decided that they don’t want to know me anymore although I have no idea why, it has made me determined to not be a victim, determined to show them that I will survive. Don’t feel much like it sometimes though!!! Having a good cry when I feel the need I find help to release the tension and does help.

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