Wife Died Suddenly Two Weeks Ago

On the 13th, I was woken up by two police officers at 12:30 am who had come to tell me that my wife of eleven years had collapsed and died whilst at her sister’s. She collapsed, in the kitchen, said she couldn’t breathe, and a few minutes later was dead.

The postmortem, a few days later, said “pulmonary thromboembolism”, and the coroner said a clot from a dvt went to her heart.

I am 38. She was 46.

The funeral was yesterday, and she had wild flowers, and the wicker coffin she wanted, plus Star Wars theme. I put her with Coco the monkey she’s had since a toddler. I collect her ashes in a few weeks.

Now I’m home, surrounded by all our stuff, with our two dogs. Friends have basically moved in because I seem to exist in a haze of sleeping or drinking to cope. I have short bursts of doing what needs to be done.

I am terrified by the unreal amount of admin (although her sister’s company is dealing with probate so I don’t think there’s a great deal I need to do).

I have her ring. I drove our car back from her sister’s this morning and cried like an idiot all the way. It was the only one we managed to agree on and had been bought just before lockdown.

I can’t face walking the dogs because I’m going to have some sort of breakdown when I go on our local route and she’s not there to throw Scrabble tennis balls and play with Matilda.

And I’m angry. At who or what I have no idea. She felt breathless a few days before it happened and dismissed it as a panic attack. The leg pain she believed to be a pulled muscle. There is an entire family history of DVT!

And I keep thinking, did she know in the end? Was she scared? Ogod please don’t let her be thinking she knew she was going to die.

And now, I am crying again. I just want her back and really don’t know what to do.

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Hi it’s so hard and will be can’t lie never be the same been with my husband 36 years given 3 days to live with bowel cancer then it ruptured I suppose I was lucky I brought him home and he passed with his family around him 2 months ago now we have to grieve it’s going to take a long time very sorry about your wife xx

The pain is just so awful , my husband of 10 years passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago. I think when it is such a sudden death there are so many unanswered questions and your emotions are all over the place. When you lose your soulmate they leave a big empty space in your heart it truly is heartbreaking

Hello to all three of you and I am so pleased that through your shared experiences you can help each other. The pain at the start of this horrible thing called grieving is immense and unanswered questions mount up coupled with anger and the total disbelief that this has happened is overwhelming. From my own experience I can say, with time things get easier and less painful but it takes time. The early days when there’s so much to do that is all unknown is stressful on its own but you have loss that special person, your soulmate and you just want them to walk back and give you a huge cuddle. Your life as turned upside down and trying to figure out if there’s any future life is hard to comprehend but honestly there is light at the end of the tunnel, just hang in there and believe in yourself that you will get through this.small baby steps, taking each day, one at a time. Please all of you, take extra care of yourselves because at present your immune systems won’t be as good as normal, so please take extra care. Blessings. S


Good to hear you say Susie that in time things do get easier. My husband died almost three weeks ago & today I feel worse than ever. I wanted to just lie in bed all day but have to get up because of my dog. I’m luckier than some as my 29 year old son lives with me, but he is coping by playing online games with friends. I am sitting downstairs feeling so desperate & just want to speak to my husband. We did everything together & even worked together for 20 years. There seems no point to anything at the moment.

Oh yes, I know just how you feel. I did quite well after my soulmate left because I had so much to keep me busy. Our youngest son stay for two weeks after the funeral and then I did probate and all the other pieces of paper that just seemed to keep coming but when it stop I spent nearly three weeks sitting. It suddenly hit home what life would be like from then on, not pretty and to be honest neither was I at that point. I don’t know what made me move but something did. I think it’s that inner voice saying you must move yourself because there’s no other way. Yes those first few months are hard, very hard and you know what you should be doing but it’s another thing actually doing it or anything else. If you think your son is suffering as well, can I suggest you both think about counselling, either from here or at Cruse, I know both have waiting times but it may give you both something to think about. You both would be separate but staying and playing games is not the answer for a young man, it’s something to think about, we are always here. The thing about this site is everybody is or have gone through the pain that grief imposes on you. But yes with time it gets less but for most it never goes away. Take your time, there’s no rush with anything. Sxx

Thanks Susie. I have thought that counseling would help even though I have many friends I can talk to. I don’t think I would persuade my son though. Unfortunately he hasn’t got a job & even before the restrictions didn’t have much of a social life. I have just got up after lying on the bed for a few hours & do feel a little better now. All being well a friend will come round for us to go for a socially distanced walk.

Dear Amsterdam,
I have already replied to one of your posts on another thread but thought I would offer a little bit of support on this one as well.
It’s only three weeks since your husband died and life changed forever. At that stage I was barely functioning such was the level of disorientation and distress caused by my husbands sudden death.
Like you I have my younger son still at home with me. He is 28 and was with my husband when he died. Life could not have been going better for him and then on an evening out our happy life fell apart and his world disintegrated before his eyes. He witnessed my husbands collapse and the futile attempts to perform CPR and defibrillation. Before that happened he could never have imagined being in a position to seek counselling but through our local hospice he was put in touch with a group that met weekly to talk about coping with the loss of a parent. All are older than him but it has been an opportunity to listen to others and how they cope. Currently it happens on zoom of course.
My son had quite a varied social life but found talking to friends difficult at times. He didn’t want everyone to feel sorry for him and however hard they tried none of them could begin to imagine what he had suffered. it might be that in time your son would be more open to this sort of support.
As far as playing online games is concerned my attitude has been ‘whatever gets you through’.
My elder son has always been a keen gamer and he regularly links up with friends during lunch hour to play a game. It’s his way of switching off even for a short time. Both my sons have been distraught as they were extremely close to their dad. Seven months on and it is still very hard going.
Whilst I am not physically alone I feel desperately alone every minute of every day. I know my son feels the same but we couldn’t admit it to each other for fear of adding to the distress of the other.
Hopefully going for a walk with a friend will help you talk over things you can’t say to your son. That’s why this site is such a help to many of us.
Thinking of you x

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Thanks Jobar for your message. I really appreciate it. My son was checking on his dad during the night, before he died. I’d asked him to call me when he went to bed & I had an airbed ready to sleep in my husbands room. We both now feel guilty that we were not there when he died. I know though that it isn’t sensible to feel like this. It must have been so traumatic for your son to witness his dad dying in front of him like that. I do hope my son will accept some help if he needs it. As you say, even if you have friends which my son does, they haven’t experienced what he has. Thanks so much for your support.x

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Dear Friend, Not to discourage you, but my wife died suddenly in our home six months ago. For me, life is not the same anymore - I awake like a zombie (can you believe it?). I miss her so much that all I do is go thu life
as a routine. My heart goes out to you - I truly sympathize with you. i read your post and tears welled up in my eyes, because I went thru this too. Even today (six months later), I still miss her. I was in a state of numbness for a while, that friends and family were telling me “you’re handling this very well” - truth be known I wasn’t I was falling apart. Somehow, I have managed to hold it together but my family and friends
don’t see it that way - they think I’ve moved on, but no, I still grieve fo those moments we had together. I read some of the posts on this site and can identify with the losses of others , like you. I cannot give you a solution - as I wish I had one for you and myself. I cherish my wife’s life in photos, her flowers. etc as best as I can while trying to move on — but I am trying - she always said good things about me (sometimes I didn’t deserve it). Please hang in there! Please also, let us know how you’re doing - nobody is going to ignore you here. I grieve with you my friend!
My name is Herb

Hi All,

Reading, acknowledging, but struggling to reply. I collect a prescription for amitriptyline today to try and help me sleep because I only manage about two hours before going over it repeatedly. I cannot get it out of my head how terrified she might have been and what if she knew? It’s unthinkable.

I feel like I’m genuinely going mad. Just burst into tears clearing some out of date food from the fridge as that’s from when she last went shopping.

Other than dealing with the dogs, I’m mostly in bed. Friend coming over this afternoon. I’ve become pretty much non functional. Just hoping these pills do something.

Dear Godstopper,
You describe yourself as pretty much non functional. You are a young man who has lost his young wife suddenly so you will have suffered the deepest shock known to humankind. From the moment you were woken by the police to give you the news your brain will have been struggling to comprehend anything anyone was saying and convinced that this could not be happening to you.
I received a phone call at 10.30 pm from a policeman telling me my husband had collapsed. He was out with my son and when he said who he was I immediately thought he was going to tell me they’d had an accident. I started shaking at that point and was struggling to breathe. It was a full blown panic attack. Somehow I managed to get my head together and find a taxi to drive me the 150 miles to the hospital where my husband had been taken. I was staying with my elderly mother at the time.
I undertook the journey in the hope that my husband might be recovering but he had actually died immediately. The policeman had been trying to give me a few more hours of hope knowing I would be travelling alone.
The devastation you will be feeling is indescribable and only someone who has experienced similar loss can begin to understand. On this site, unfortunately, you will find many others who have.
I was also prescribed sleeping pills, anti depressants and beta blockers. I tried the sleeping pills for a couple of weeks but nothing worked for me. I was angry with my GP at the time and remain so as I feel she went through a series of ticking boxes rather than acknowledging what had happened. Have you been able to speak to your doctor on the phone or video link before amytriptyline was prescribed? Does he/she fully understand what had happened to you?
I know it’s impossible to see a doctor at the moment but is there anyway you can speak to one to discuss some of the questions that will inevitably be tormenting you.
Also perhaps a friend who will listen to you going over and over the same questions to try and sort your muddled mind.
For the first month prior to my husbands funeral I have no idea how I functioned. I couldn’t sleep or eat. I was desperate for answers. I still am and I know that my continued quest for an explanation is seen as obsessive. For me my sanity depends on it. Your are not going mad but you are mad with grief. It’s not depression or even sadness - it’s full blown overwhelming, all encompassing grief in its rawest form . You are also in profound shock which has physical as well as emotional effects.
Hopefully your friends who you are seeing today will give you some support and if need be can help find other resources to help you through the early days at least.
Losing a loved one is the loneliest experience in the world. Keep posting on this site and you will receive guidance and reassurance. It will help you through this nightmare.
Thinking of you


Hi Godstopper,
I have no idea what to say as I lost my husband of 39 yeard old in May and I am 44 years old. We have a 7 year old wonderful boy. My husband was fit and healthy but he thought he had two oanic attacks in September 2919 and February 2020. We started thinking was it really panic attack or linked to his sudden heart attack.
I am sad, upset, broken and angry.
Life is ridiculuous. I can not stop crying.
Hope one day we will get a bit a bit better as we do not have any choice …

Dear Amsterdam, It’s been almost 8 months when my lovely collapsed and died in our living room. Not to put you on a guilt trip, but even today, I truly miss her. I awake each morning in our bed alone. I make my own bed, laundry, meals, and all the the rest of the chores she once did, and wonder to myself, why did this have to happen. She was such a sweet person - she loved her family, her friends, co-workers (she was always willing to help others), she loved animals and especially me with all my faults. I read your post and can understand how you must feel. I miss her! Take care.

One if the hardest things is facing grief head on and not being afraid of the feelings that come, going through those emotions is important because if we try to avoid them they come back to bite us hard, it’s an awful situation to be in