Here I am once again, sitting up in bed 3 o’clock in the morning, hot drink. Will I ever have a full night’s sleep again? I tend to drift off to sleep quite quickly after reading but a couple of hours later I’m awake again, tossing and turning until I get up and make a drink and take it back to bed with me. I’ll be awake now for a good 2 - 3 hours, then just as I manage to get back to sleep it’s time to get up. It’s been nearly 15 months since I lost my darling husband and he’s still the last thing I think about before sleep and the first thing I think about on waking. But actually I don’t mind that. I like to think about him. He’s hovering at the front of my mind all the time, even now as I’m writing this. Is this my sleep pattern now? The strange thing is that I’m not tired, not now nor during the day. Is anyone else like this? Xx
Oh yes, this sounds very familiar. I woke last night at 3.40 am, having already been awake before midnight. I didn’t get back to sleep and I do feel tired this morning, especially as most nights are like this. I resort to sleeping tablets when I get desperate but don’t like to rely on them. I have had spells over the past 8 months [when my husband died] when I have slept better and I cope so much better during the day with my grief when I am not exhausted. I now accept this is the way it is for the moment and that grief shows itself in different ways. I just hope for an improvement at some point. I hope you too get some proper rest soon.
Good morning Ann. I hope you got a good night’s sleep last night. I was still awake at 6am but did eventually drift off and then I was woken by the telephone around 8. It helps to know what others are experiencing. What an experience. Who would have thought it could hurt this bad? I’m sorry you’re suffering too. I keep thinking I’ll wake up from this horrible nightmare and my life will be back to normal. Oh if I could wave a magic wand and make everything right and we all get our loved ones back - how wonderful would that be? Alas, I can’t do that so we all have to live this nightmare of a life. It’s a glorious sunshiny day today so I’m going to try for positive thoughts so I send you love Ann and also positive thoughts and sunshine to you too. Xxxx
Thank you for sending positivity - could do with some. Yes, who would have thought there were so many aspects of grief, insomnia being yet another one to add to the misery list. Looking for the sunshine - in more ways than one - but cold and grey here atm. Maybe later…
Hi Kate just wanted to say me too ,I cannot seem to stay asleep,I wake roughly every 2 hours,lost my hubby in March,sometimes I do feel tired on an afternoon but I try keeping busy,grief seems to sap you of energy,it’s hard and so tiring being sad all the time,I’m the same cannot seem to think of much else but my hubby,I cannot remember when I last had a good nights sleep,sometimes I feel shattered but still can’t stay asleep,oh well maybe tonight may be better,here’s hoping a good sleep for all x
Night night Robina. Here’s to a good night’s sleep for all of us. Fingers crossed. Big hug xx
I lost my husband a little over 6 months ago. And I cannot sleep at night. I tend to go to bed at around 3am then I am up again around 5. I think about him 24/7. It hurts everyday.
I also think this is a nightmare which I want to wake up from, my family don’t seem to care and some of my best friend’s have withdrawn from me. Feel lost and alone.
You’re not alone as we are all with you. We all feel the same so we’re the ones who understand. Keep reading and writing on this forum, it really does help. Sending you a big hug. Xx
Hi Kate, Ann and everyone on this thread. It’s odd: between 2.30 and 3 am seems to be a favourite waking up time for a lot of us. I just wish I could be that wide awake when it IS time to get up. I usually get a hot drink, a couple of biscuits put on an audiobook and listen to it until I go back to sleep. I like cosy mysteries and I can’t tell you how many times I have to rewind the next day to find who the villain was!
It’s kinda comforting to know that it’s not just me waking up. I was always a very good sleeper and hated being disturbed. Now though it really doesn’t bother me that I wake. In fact it’s more likely to bother me if I started to sleep through the night - would that mean that I’m getting used to life without my husband? I don’t want that to ever happen. Does that sound crazy? Xx
I too feel lost and alone Kate and wish it was just a nightmare with the end result of waking up and everything is OK . It’s this awful feeling of nothing to look forward to, of living in this grief forever and wishing I could just fall asleep and never wake up and it would all be over. I have few relatives left and friends are sparse since the years when my husband’s health got worse. I only get up in the mornings because the cat wants feeding and cuddle.
I’m pleased you have your cat - as you say, it gives you a reason to get up in the morning. I have my 2 dogs and I’m so grateful for them. They need to be walked daily so good exercise for me too. I’ve been to a 50th birthday party this evening and even though there were a great many people there, I felt so alone. I know I won’t sleep well tonight - too much whirling round in my head…
It is four years since my beloved husband died and I have not had a full night’s sleep since. I toss and turn, sometimes at 2 in the morning I get up, have some hot milk and watch a film, other times I am dreaming and wake up shouting Peter’s name. My mind never stops racing, so many things are going on in my mind. When Peter was alive and well, I slept like a log then for the last three years of Peter’s life I was his 24/7 carer and I wonder if I still haven’t got out of the habit of sleeping with one eye open and listening for him calling me. I sometimes get up in the morning and feel like a zombie.
I don’t think I will ever have a settled mind again.
Bless you Sheila and who knows maybe your Peter is calling you still. Let’s hope so as I long to hear my husband David’s voice. I’d stay up all night just to hear his voice. I constantly talk to him - we talked a lot when he was alive and I don’t want to get out of the habit of talking to him. Oh but if only I could hear him talk back. We get on with our day to day lives but it never goes away, does it? Sending you love Sheila. Xx
For the first year I heard Peter calling my name every single night, it was an urgent ‘Sheila, Sheila’ I jumped out of bed, I always slept next to him, oxygen tanks and all.
Then I realised, he wasn’t there anymore and I sobbed my heart out. Then going into the second year, when he called my name it was a soft ‘Sheilaaaaa, Sheilaaaa’, and then it stopped altogether. Then I used to be woken up to the front door being banged on, it was like a battering ram so I jumped out of bed and looked out of the window, then I thought all the street would have heard that noise, I went downstairs to check but of course there was nothing there, this happened a lot then gradually it stopped, now I just have dreams. I dream I am lost in the middle of nowhere with a flat mobile phone, I see a phone box in the distance, and ring the operator, she asks me where I am, but I don’t know so I tell her to ring my husband. I speak to him and he tells me to stay where I am and he will come for me, but then I wake up.
My mum used to have a dream about my dad, he was on one road and she was on the opposite side and he held his hand out to her, she went to see a spiritualist to find out what the dream mean and she told her not to take his hand because he had come for her. She never had the dream again, but told us that if he had held out his hand, she would have taken it. I wonder if my dream was similar, and that if Peter had arrived at the phone box, I would die and be with him again. I have had the same dream a few times, but Peter never gets to the phone box before I woke up. I wish he would.
I really believe in the afterlife and that one day we will be together again, but the pain of living without our loved ones will never, ever go away, it is the thought of spending the future without Peter that is killing me.
I absolutely agree Sheila. I too believe that there is an afterlife and our loved ones are with us. It brings me enormous comfort to feel my David all around me, knowing that one day we will be together again. I look for signs all the time. On his 66th birthday last March a car pulled out in front of me and I had to brake - the registration was DG66 (his initials). It made me smile. Some would say coincidence but I choose to believe otherwise. Lots of love to you xx
We were once talking and Peter said that if he died before me, when he got to the Pearly Gates, he would tell St. Peter that when it was my turn to die, St Peter had to send me the other way, I asked him why he would say that, and he said that I would turn up with a list of jobs that needed doing.
That is one of the many things that I miss about him, his jokes.
One day, the pain will be over and we will be at peace.
That made me smile Sheila. Hang on to those memories…xx
Hi, I can relate to this so much. Go to bed early as your so tired from not sleeping properly the night before and, to lose the day as it’s an escape. Get to bed and nod off for an hour or two then “ping” your back awake again and unable to get back off due to your mind working overtime and churning everything back up. I have been offered mitazepam (not sure how you spell it sorry) from the Doctor, but I am so dubious of anything which is a form of sleeping tablet. Any thoughts from anyone ?