It’s exactly the same for me. I’ve tried going to bed early, I’ve tried going to bed late but it’s still the same broken night’s sleep. It actually doesn’t really bother me that much as I don’t feel tired the next day either. Weird really, you would think we should be exhausted. I certainly wouldn’t take any medication though. It’s interesting to know that it is common symptom of our grieving.
Good positive stuff Sheila. Well done you. Xxxx
I use the Neals Yard Remedies pillow mist which contains lavender, among other things. I spray a bit on my pillow when I go to bed, and find that the lovely smell makes me drift off and stay asleep quite naturally. It is quite expensive (about £15, I think) but lasts for ages. I use a sunset/sunrise lamp alongside it.
Hello all I lost my mum last year July
At the initial time of her passing I was ok
Life was normal then it hit me like a bullet
Sleep is non existent my day is a complete fog
I feel like I’m living in a dream and can’t focus on any thing
I just want to cry all the time
I am so sorry for your loss Sheila
I agree with you 100% it has become so much worse after a year
I thought I’d be ok, but I guess time is just numbers that pass it doesn’t mean any thing
I will copy your idea and make some books of mum and I, and the songs sound amazing she and I shared dancing and singing round her kitchen a few times 
X x
Hello Zan. I lost my mum nearly 6 years ago now. I lost my husband in June last year. Two very different losses with very different emotions. The loss of my husband has taken over my life and is all consuming but doesn’t stop me remembering my mum and the day she died. I remember every little detail of that day. Me and mum were very close and I think of her every day still, even in amongst the utter chaos of my mind which is filled by my husband. Of course you want to cry and why shouldn’t you? She was your mum. She still is your mum and will always be your mum. The one person who loved you unconditionally. After my mum died I went through all my photographs of her and scanned them onto the computer and made a collage of her. I printed one off for each of my siblings. I love looking at it. It kept me busy too and I was constructing a collage of love and life. As with any loss, distraction helps even if only for a while. Sending you a big hug. Xx
I’m exactly the same . I go to sleep really quickly but then wake up every night about half 2 or 3 so then I usually get up and go downstairs to get my dogs up to bed . Their snoring is a comfort to me . Think I will probably be like this for ever now unless I take my dogs up to bed with me in the first place . Perhaps that will help ? Anyway I’m rambling now . All our sleep patterns sound like they have become crap . It’s the grief and not having our special people to cuddle up to in bed and the thought of it always being like this from now on . Yuck. What a horrible thought . No wonder none of us can sleep through the night . Sending everyone big hugs and hope tonight will be better . Romy xxx
I can relate to having your dog’s with you Romy. Our dogs always slept downstairs in their own bed but not now. They come up with me since losing my darling husband. Yes, they are a comforting presence. I never used to allow the dogs upstairs but now anything goes - who cares…xx
Exactly . Whatever makes us …and the dogs cos they are grieving too …better xxx
Peter I tried Mirtazapine and it was horrible - felt like a zombie and didn’t sleep well with it anyway because I was waking up constantly with a dry mouth.I decided to stop it and it took several weeks to gradually come off it. Now I do without it and although the grief is taking over my life I would rather feel the grief than forget my precious husband and our life of over 50 years together.
Hi im 59 my darling wife Denise (04032016) passed on her 41st birthday ,i dont sleep much i nap during the day,ive tried the route of booze drinking myself to sleep that didnt work .Im on mitazapine that doesnt help my sleep either.I just accept this the situation has been the same all the time .Colin
Dear Sheila My life is just the same as yours. I am 71 and lost my husband 3 months ago to cancer. He was my everything since I was 17 years old and our whole lives were with each other. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything but my son and daughter think I can just go out and “make a new life”. I just want the old life and my husband back. It’s tearing me apart. This morning I saw a counsellor but I just couldn’t stop crying. What is the point? It’s like purgatory. Love Jacqi
Half past two in the morning as I write this.
I’m informed that I’m getting by on adrenalin which the body naturally produces as a reaction to stress, bereavement being the most potent cause of stress.
If I remember correctly, the chemical effects of adrenalin on the body are intended by nature to assist us in “fight or flight” but if we don’t do these things the chemicals are cumulatively harmful.
Maybe best to seek some help in sleeping then.
Tomorrow then.
Or the day after . . .
Hello Edwin. Yes, I was informed I was managing on adrenaline too. Some 15 months later, can I still be getting by on adrenaline? I used to be a great sleeper, always needing my 8 hours but not any more. I wake, I toss and turn and then get up to make cuppa and read. I’m not exhausted the next day so my body must be running on something. I’ve also been told that I’ll crash at some point but I’ve spoken to others in our situation and years later they still don’t sleep well. Some nights I only get around 3 hours sleep but I’ve never considered getting help. Maybe if I was exhausted all the time then I might. It must all be part of our grieving - the price we pay for love…
1 Like
Hello Sheila. It helps to know what others are experiencing. I hope you continue having wonderful dreams of your husband. It’s kind of weird that they feature a young version of him isn’t it? When I visualise my husband in my mind it’s always in his younger days. I’d forgotten how handsome he was! The strangest thing is that I can’t visualise his face as he was before he died. I see him sat on the sofa reading the paper placed across his legs but when I travel up to his face, it’s not there, nothing. This happened when I lost my mum too so it doesn’t bother me too much as I know it will come. I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? Perhaps it’s something for a new conversation…much love Sheila. Xx
Hello Sheila,
What a lovely reply. I think you’re absolutely right about wanting to be young again. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 32 and he was 36, and he always said that his biggest regret was that we hadn’t met when we were much younger. I only knew him for 6 weeks before we moved in together in his house, and only 3 months before we were married. Yet we were very happy for 28 years, even though lots of people who knew us said that it would never last as we were chalk and cheese. And now he is gone, and I am bereft. Jayne xx
Hello Sheila,
No, I don’t think I ever will get over this. My husband died at the end of February, and I have only slept in bed for 1 night since then. I just sleep on the sofa with my dogs around me for company. I have even bought a new bed, but I just can’t steel myself to sleep there at the moment. I have been seeing a therapist for about 10 weeks, and she has helped me a lot. Sometimes my days are not too bad. I’ve joined groups, made new friends, just as I promised Stewart I would do. But some days are hell, and I just sit and cry. Take today, I’ve been to a really nice group in my local church called Living with Loss. Widows of various ages, plus one dog! It was jolly and very welcoming, and I really enjoyed it, but I came home and felt so very sad. I used to be an avid reader, but since Stewart died, I can’t seem to settle to it let alone watch the (rather rubbishy) tv. Love Jayne xxx
Thank you so much for this, Sheila.
Sending you love and a big hug.
Jayne xxx
Here I am once again, early hours and wide awake. Just finished cuppa and now browsing this site. I bet there’s a few of you awake with me. I’ve just shouted at my husband saying " look what you’ve reduced me to!" How I long for him to answer me back. Damn it! Xx
52 years since our first kiss.
52 days since our last.