So. Here we are, things opening back up again!
My Mama passed in May 2020, 5 weeks after my baby boy was born, my first child, her first grand child.
Since then, nothing has felt “normal”. I’ve been on maternity leave and obviously things have been locked down so I’ve not had to be “normal” in work, relationships, general life!
I’ve gone back to work this month and I won’t lie I’ve really struggled. I feel like my grieving has started now, when I’ve started to be “normal”. The more things open up around me the worse I feel.
My Mum has missed out on so much. All my sons milestones, his first birthday, she will miss out on watching me get married.
She was 49 when she passed, she had so much left to be here for. Cancer took her and it scares me I will get it and go the same way. It terrifies me daily.
I’m so sorry to hear about losing your mum. My Dad passed away in May 2020 too and he was 50. Life doesn’t really feel normal for me either. I have good days and bad. I’m really looking forward to not feeling like this anymore. The grief can be quite overwhelming. When I see people sat out in beer gardens in the sun they look like they don’t have a care in the world but my life will never be the same again. I’m amazed at how they do it. But to be honest, in reality, I think we are all struggling in our own way. Once again I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. I’m sure she is with you both in spirit and see’s the milestones xx
Also - Easing of lockdown scares me too and I’m scared in case somebody asks me to go out for a meal or do something ‘normal’ haha. I try not to beat myself up about it though and remind myself that regardless of what’s open I can go at my own pace. I have a small circle at the moment who I feel comfortable with and I’ve noticed recently that it is growing so that’s positive. Take it easy xx
I’ve been invited to a night out once lockdown is over with a crowd of folk, mainly friends from years ago, some current friends. I thanked them for the invitation & declined saying they all deserve a damned good night out without a weeping widow trying to keep her act together, sobbing cos some song has triggered a memory. And as I say this, kirsty mcoll sings so beautifully Thank you for the days, those sacred days you gave me on a TV programme at 1.35am - another sleepless night. The words mean so much. My husband loved her & we were so upset when she died. And I’m off again!
My Dad has been exactly the same as this too.
I can literally be sat having a wee and a memory pops up in my head and the flood gates open.
I’m glad for the face masks in shops because I’ve also cried a few times out too. It’s just so hard the thought of going back to how it was, but it’ll never be how it was for us x
my friends visited me (garden visit) today & we have some really deep conversations, helpful for me I think. One friend said that after her mum passed away, she used to get really angry when she heard anyone laughing, how can they laugh when her mum has just died??? It was a relief to hear her admit that, I think that frequently about my husband (14 weeks gone) & thought I was going crazy. Seems I’m more normal than I thought. Isn’t grief so damned powerful when it can make you lose grip of reality??