What is better? There is not a definition to better. This is a generalisation because we are all individual and how we react/respond to grief is personal. Nobody can walk our journey or experience our feelings or emotions but grief like everything is a process and one we unite in together in so far as, we have lost a loved one and are clueless of how we are going to cope and move forwards without them. Death is a natural event and one we all have to eventually face no matter what that process means to us as individuals. One thing that is a certainty is our loved ones who have passed on would not want us to suffer pain just as we did not want them to. The legacy of those who have passed is their love and I believe we have to above all else embrace that love, be grateful we shared that love and count our blessing their love resides within us. Life is a journey and not a destination. Love is love and doesnāt have an improvement. Why seek any answer? Why look for one? There isnāt a solution or answer. Getting up each day and putting our best foot forward is all any of us should look for. Time is given to no one and time is about being in the moment and counting blessings. Grief is what you make it like anything in life. You can sink or swim but either way it doesnāt change anything. If you have your health and love in your heart what more can anyone on want or need. To honour those that have departed is to live life with every breath you take because that is what they did and want us to do. We make grief complicated and negative but it doesnāt have to be that way. The way we embrace life is a choice. Love and light xxx
easier not better
I lost my husband two weeks ago today, and the question"when will this get better?" is really relevant at the moment because my experience of the last two weeks is that each day is worst than the lastā¦and definitely mornings are the lowest point. I hurt all over with the grief and these days I sit there each morning and think that I just canāt go on anymoreā¦I really donāt want another day like this and what really is the point of tryingā¦I hear people telling me that it will get better, but I need to know that there will be a day which finally is not worse than the previous one as I really donāt know how much more I can take.
Hi ā¦ itās so hard. Itās four months since my husband died ā¦ he was diagnosed and died within four weeks. We lost both our adult sons over the last six years too.
I dont know if there is any easy answer. I cry every day, I dont sleep at night, I isolate myself a lot, I have never felt so low ā¦ I try to do the things that need doing if I can but everything is such an effort. I have no motivation, no energy and no purpose. Canāt focus on reading, tv, etc.
I can only say try to take care of yourself and take baby steps each day. Try to do one task per day if nothing else. I donāt have any wise words. I truly wish none of us were in this situation.
Sending hugs from me, Sue x
I am so sorry to here of your loss my darling husband died in April and it was devastating we were married for 52 years the support I received from this forum was such a help I felt so alone and frightened but all I will say is you will have times when you feel you have just gone backwards but very slowly you have an hour and then a day that is a little bit easier to live through at the moment I donāt think it will ever stop hurting but I hope you will find the strength to take one day at a time and just know there will be times when you just cry but thatās OK just do what is best for you hugs and love marian xx
So sorry to hear of your loss. 2 weeks is such a short time when everything will be so raw. I had no expectation of what it would feel like to lose someone I love with all my heart and soul, let alone an expectation of how long anything would last. There are no answers as grief is personal and individual.
Itās like being in a fog, everything around you is surreal, lack of concentration, exhaustion, sleep and ability to even think straight. Your whole world has been turned upside down and inside and out. Itās like being in a washing machine on a neverending spin cycle. You canāt stop it, escape it or control it but eventually you learn to compartmentalize it just to give yourself a rest. I slowly learnt to dedicate an hour each day (in my case nightime) to feel everything that came up and not resist it (what we resist persists). Crying became therapeutic, only temporarily but it was a release of all the intense emotions. I then started a journal and wrote down everything I thought and felt including all my memories because as time goes on the memories do become dimmer.
I stopped comparing myself to others and their journey through grief. I listened to my heart and followed it. The heart needs to heal and it has to be heard, nutured and not rushed. One day you smile and wonder where that came from. Another day you may watch a programme on TV from start to finish. Gradually you learn to let go and with letting go you reach a place of acceptance. This is a sad place at first because you have one foot in your past life where your loved one was with you and a very anxious foot in the future which is uncertain, scary and wobbly to get your balance. Hence the saying one step forward and 2 back. Itās a time where all you can do is be in the present and it is while you are here in the present the healing begins. The heart takes a break and together with your mind and body you move in sync. Although grief is heartbreaking there is something quite beautiful about death, love and life. It is a time when you finally actually fully understand the meaning of the words ālife is so short and treasure every momentā
Allow yourself to grieve, welcome it and embrace it because it represents the deep love you had with your loved one.
Lyn
xx
I canāt imagine how awful it must be to have lost the children too. I have two sons (16 and 19) and during the awful 5 months of my husbandās illness (actually the 5 months from diagnosisā¦he had the cancer undetected for months before that) I asked myself if it would be better to lose him or lose one of the boys. Of course thatās a question that has no answer as it is impossible to imagine. I am so sorry.
And yes, baby steps. That is right. Some days my only achievement is to have a shower. But there are loads of things I ought to be doing, like organising finances and we even still need to finalise the funeralā¦but I just canāt think straight or concentrate. No energy and no purpose - I so totally understand that. No purpose is the most frighteningā¦some mornings this week Iāve been thinking it would be better to die than to face more days like this. So completely pointlessā¦I have to force myself to think of the boys and the damage it would do to them to lose both parents.
Four months of crying every day - thatās so awful. I cry almost all the time, except when friends come round and distract me. Iāve spent a couple of hours with someone in the garden todayā¦she is childless and single so really canāt understand what Iām going through, but having her there forces me to get things done and while Iām doing them I can forget the awfulness of my lovely husband not being here anymore.
I am so grateful to have found this forum. Finding other people who know what I am going through. But I really do need to know thereās light at the end of this tunnel. I canāt face living the rest of my life alone (Iām 55).
52 years sounds like a luxury to me! We had 22 and stupidly I was thinking we might have at least 10 more, as he was so healthy and fit for 68. But cancer doesnāt care about all that and my lovely man must have started his cancer last spring or summer and by the time it was found in March it was way too late to do anything. I have been having nightmares for years about losing him (he was 14 years older than me) and now itās really happened.
It all just hurts so much. Literally, in that my legs have started really hurting and I get the most terrible headaches.
But I am so glad to have found this forum and people who understand and are also going through this nightmare. Thanks so much for replying to my post - it means a lot to me to know you are out there.
And Iām called Marian tooā¦
such a helpful post, thankyou. Yes, I loved my husband with my heart and soul - he was the bedrock for my life and his love and support enabled me to do so much. I cannot imagine how I will be able to continue without him, let alone thrive in any meaningful way.
Yes it is like being in a fog, and there is no question of trying to control the grief - it is completely overwhelming and incapacitating. Itās a struggle to get anything done. We still need to finalise the funeral service (he was quite a public figure so it is going to be a big thing and I am dreading the hugeness of itā¦I find it a struggle even getting out of the house at the moment and am so overwhelmed with this all-encompassing tiredness that I can hardly walk most of the timeā¦I only hope the worst of that is manageable by the time of the funeral in 10 days).
The last 6 months have been the washing machine experience, from the diagnosis of terminal cancer, through him being increasingly ill and becoming totally dependent on me being there to care for him, and now the grief. While he was ill I fantasised about escaping and hiding in a small dark hole, as I was so overwhelmed with misery and stress and was so exhausted with it all, but knew there was no escape and that the future held the horror of finally losing him. That future is now here and it is much much worse than I thought it would beā¦I spent all day every day by his side, and thought about how much time would suddenly be freed up once heād died, but now I have that time it is 100% oppressive as I am incapacitated with grief and the exhaustion is even worse than before, and now I struggle to see how I can get through each day without wanting to die myself.
Remember you found your way here and that takes strength, courage and a desire to move forward out of this nightmare of emotions and pain so you are subconsciously looking for help and support to get you to a better place and that is a good thing.
There is a huge anticipation of heightened emotions prior to the funeral as it is the final farewell or so it seems in our minds. The funeral is not the final farewell because there isnāt one. Your beloved husband lives on in YOU, in your heart, soul, body and mind where he will exist forever. You will find the hidden strength you have to guide you through and his love will be the driving force of all who you are because love carries us forward. It will unfold in time and you will resume life again just not as you once did. You learn to live with grief alongside you. You adapt and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It takes on a new meaning and a beautiful one, so for now just breathe, focus on the present and be kind to yourself. Death and life are just a transition that take us on different journeyās. Life only gives us what we can handle and grief is drip fed to us. In-between the crashing of the waves you will learn to surf them. Each day you will get stronger without you even knowing it, until you can finally embrace the love he gave you and when you do you will feel the luckiest person alive to have received that love and will treasure it for eternity. Too soon now my lovely but I promise you, you will get there and one day look at a photo or think of a memory and your heart will feel like bursting with love and it will not be dad, it will be a feeling unlike any other. Until then find something each day to be grateful for and do something just for you to build your strength, be it a nice hot bath, lighting a candle, a nice walk, writing a journal or taking up a hobby you have always wanted to do. Look for signs that your husband is giving you. We tend to miss these when we are knee deep in grief but they will be there when you are ready to receive the love that cannot be felt physically but takes on another dimension. Take care x
Remember you found your way here and that takes strength, courage and a desire to move forward out of this nightmare of emotions and pain so you are subconsciously looking for help and support to get you to a better place and that is a good thing.
There is a huge anticipation of heightened emotions prior to the funeral as it is the final farewell or so it seems in our minds. The funeral is not the final farewell because there isnāt one. Your beloved husband lives on in YOU, in your heart, soul, body and mind where he will exist forever. You will find the hidden strength you have to guide you through and his love will be the driving force of all who you are because love carries us forward. It will unfold in time and you will resume life again just not as you once did. You learn to live with grief alongside you. You adapt and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. It takes on a new meaning and a beautiful one, so for now just breathe, focus on the present and be kind to yourself. Death and life are just a transition that take us on different journeyās. Life only gives us what we can handle and grief is drip fed to us. In-between the crashing of the waves you will learn to surf them. Each day you will get stronger without you even knowing it, until you can finally embrace the love he gave you and when you do you will feel the luckiest person alive to have received that love and will treasure it for eternity. Too soon now my lovely but I promise you, you will get there and one day look at a photo or think of a memory and your heart will feel like bursting with love and it will not be dad, it will be a feeling unlike any other. Until then find something each day to be grateful for and do something just for you to build your strength, be it a nice hot bath, lighting a candle, a nice walk, writing a journal or taking up a hobby you have always wanted to do. Look for signs that your husband is giving you. We tend to miss these when we are knee deep in grief but they will be there when you are ready to receive the love that cannot be felt physically but takes on another dimension. Take care x
Beautifully said Lyn. Each day a small step xx
Annette99
I think itās all that we can expect of ourselves when we are running on empty. Human nature pushes us to our limits because we set ourselves expectations. Grief has no deadlines and no linear process and we have to respect it. Grief is not our enemy itās our comfort and until we recognise it, we will constantly battle it. Itās a no win situation for all of us but yes small steps can conquer a mountain over time x
since my husband passed away in April after 53 years of marriage i have been so grateful for all the support i have found on this site. Today is another first for me its my 73rd birthday and i meet my husband on my 18th birthday 1964 so this is the first time i want hear him wish me happy birthday with a card and a kiss sometimes the card would be funny one a joke we would share another time it would be romantic but he never missed a birthday we didnāt always do anything, on the special birthdays we would but other times we would just spend them together or with the family.we would buy little presents they didnāt have to cost money just the thought and more memories to make thought he would always buy me flowers i know i will feel better tomorrow but today i am listening out for his voice and just hoping to feel him with me thank you all for your on goin support
marian xx
Hi Marian
Happy Birthday and sending you a hug as I understand how hard today will be for you without your lovely husband, however, he is and always be with you surrounding you with love and not wanting to see you sad.
Have you got a birthday card that he previously gave you? I found it comforting to put my loved oneās card up on the mantel piece as I have always done. It may help.
I hope whatever you do today, you find some peace and comfort
Love Lyn
Happy Birthday Marian ā¦ itās gpi g to be hard and itās going to be sad. Try to keep in mind itās just another day ā¦ same as yesterday and tomorrow. Having said that itās so hard to do I know. Iām sure your husband will be watching over you ā¦ I hope you feel his comfort and can feel his arms wrapping around you giving you a big hug. Sending hugs from me, Sue x
Thatās it Lyn. There is absolutely no more to say that you have not said in your posts. Bless you and THANK YOU. XX
Hi Jonathan123
Bless us all and thank you too!.What a journey we are all on!
It never ceases to amaze me how everyone writes so beautifully on here about their grief and experiences. I wish I could take all these messages and put them in a book of rememberence to capture the true essence of love, life and death. Wouldnāt that be wonderful? and a testament and legacy to all our loved oneās x
It really would be encouraging and inspirational Lyn. Love Sue x
Jonathan123
I think one day I will do itā¦x