Wish I told her how much I loved her before

My mum passed away suddenly at home from a pulmonary embolism on 26th January. She had been in and out of hospital for 2 months after a fall down the stairs and her carer had helped her out the shower when she collapsed. I got to the house within 10 mins and also performed CPR, we couldn’t save her. I knew in my heart she had gone but wanted to keep hope we may be able to bring her back. As she died at home we had a Coroner rep (undertaker) arrive within 30 mins and then within 2 hours of the first call my beautiful Mum (who had a phobia of black and funerals) was whisked off in a black Van. The Coroner person was so cold and the whole experience was so traumatic it doesn’t seem real. The “celebration of life” is next week and I am struggling so much with everything, I don’t have any siblings and my Dad is disabled and partially sighted. My husband is more focused on work projects and gives the impression that its almost been 3 weeks so I should just get on with things now. He is also given me a hard time that his parents (who didnt like my Mum or have even called me since she died) are not in the front row. I miss her so much and can be ok one minute but then collapse into a heap with uncontrollable sobbing the next. Although Mum and I were very close the last 2 months of her life, the 10 years before were fraught as just lost our ability to communicate, she loved me and I loved her but life got in the way of seeing what we both had in-front of us. I am so torn with feelings of guilt, sadness, being overwhelmed and I just miss my Mum so much. I now understand her, and can recognise she had early onset dementia which explains some of her behaviours but I am wracked with guilt for not seeing that sooner, getting her a diagnosis and not getting to her home quicker, as I just may have had the chance to save her. I keep thinking its only 20-25 Christmases till I will see her again in heaven and I don’t want to go through the rest of my life feeling like this. Been to the doctors and have diazepam and sleeping tablets but surely life cant be like this from now on?

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Hiya Solarsaloo 24
Just read your post and wanted to say I am so sorry about your mum. Also to say it’s completely normal to feel like you do as many of us on here feel the same feelings of guilt etc for not doing this that or the other. Please don’t beat yourself up about it because as a mother your mum knew you loved her. It’s how mum’s feel. Also don’t look back to the past. Whatever happened bet you is in the past and things happen in families so don’t dwell on the difficult past events . Try to focus on the good times and the good memories and I am sure you have loads.
You have been through such a shock and right now you need to look after yourself. Organise what you want and only you know what kind of funeral your mum would want. The front row on the right in a church is usually the immediate family but usually there is a front row of seats on the left Could the in-laws sit there maybe
What is important now is that you get as strong as you can to get through the funeral. Put yourself first ok .
Keep posting cad I am sure many other people will post replies with suggestions to help you
Love Deborah x

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