Wishing I could die

Four months ago I lost my mum and Dad a week apart then seven weeks later my precious 19!year old daughter died unexpectedly. I am beyond inconsolable. Tonight, after sobbing for hours I just want to die. I can’t take this. I’m ripped apart. Life without her is cold and meaningless. I’ve seriously been contemplating taking an overdose. I know that is so selfish but the pain is unbearable. I just don’t know what to do.

How are you feeling this morning Sam? I read one of your last posts in which you say you’ve been pushing your memories down to avoid the extreme pain of losing your daughter. I’ve done that with my loss as well and the longer and harder I deny the memories the more overwhelmed and desperate I feel when these memories find a chink in the armour at the most unexpected times, so I understand what you mean in that sense. You must be feeling so incredibly vulnerable and frightened after all that’s happened to you. It’s an enormous amount of pain to try to deal with.
If you still feel the same as you did last night when you wake would you be open to getting an emergency doctors appointment today or phoning/emailing the Samaritans? I’ve done that. You could even try going to A and E and telling them how dreadfully unwell you are feeling. If you don’t feel like turning up there unanounced you could ring 111 first.
I hope you are feeling a tiny bit more settled this morning, I understand no words of consolation can ever be enough. Saying how you feel on here is a start because holding things in brings so much distress in itself. I wish I could offer better words of wisdom but I saw your post and just wanted to urge you to seek help today if you are still feeling the same. Sending compassionate thoughts.

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Hi. Sam. I know, it’s absolutely awful. How can any of us help you in this situation. We can only be here for you to talk to, but the advice given by Tina is sound. It is an enormous amount of pain to deal with and life has certainly thrown you some real nasty curves. It’s not a lot of good fighting memories. They will come up at unexpected times and, somehow, we have to get through them. If you feel so desperate get some help. Don’t try and battle along on your own. We all need people to help us and it’s no shame to want help. That’s what humanity is about, or should be, helping each other in times of need. Take it easy and take care. We all know how you feel so you are far from alone.

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Thank you both for your kind words. I do feel less distressed in the cold light of day, Nights are so hard when you can’t sleep. Yesterday was a really hard day for me. I do try to let the memories through now. I see a counsellor and he advised me to do. Sometimes it’s hard especially when the memory of seeing her die in front of me comes through, but I also have memories that make me smile. I found out yesterday that none of my husband’s family are inviting us for Christmas. I have been dreading the day and usually it is at my house with my parents but I just can’t face it this year. I found out they all have plans and I was just so very hurt. That set me off on a downward spiral. Usually I can pull myself out of it but yesterday I just couldn’t. How do we get through the day? What do you do?
I felt desperate last night and just wanted to reach out. I’ll be honest, suicide is a luxury I can’t afford. I would love to end this pain but I know that’s selfish as I have a husband and son who need me. If I didn’t, I’d end it now. I just can’t imagine a lifetime without my beautiful girl. Everyday is painful.
Sorry if I sound miserable. I’m not a miserable person but just struggling at the moment. Thanks again. Your replies mean a lot. Xx

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Of course you are miserable. Sam, who wouldn’t be with what you have? How do I cope? My wife passed away last week after 65 years of marriage and, as you say, the pain is unbearable, but I am fortunate that I have friends who help a lot and a very kind local Vicar who supports me. ‘Why’ I ask myself, but there is no real answer to that question. It’s a bit silly to say, as many have me, that something good will come from it. I can’t see that at the moment, but who knows? It’s the mornings I find difficult when the usual thing was I could hear breakfast being prepared. Now just silence. Once the day begins I can manage, but mornings!! You will come through and only be left with good memories and a thankfulness that you had such a lovely daughter. I wish you all the good possible. Blessings.

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I’m glad you are not as bad as you sounded in the early hours this morning., sometimes it’s just so hard to silence the inner conversations with ourselves isn’t it and it all can get a bit too much. Don’t be sorry for sounding miserable, it’s far better than bottling it up. Take care…

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My Aunt died recently and over the past couple of years she kept saying she wished she could die as her life was so difficult. I found it hard to hear that, particularly as my wife was desperate to live. After my wife died 15 weeks ago I remember saying to her brother, after he had enquired as to how I was doing, that if someone stabbed me as I was walking down the road I would probably thank them. I don’t feel like that now so maybe time has softened the edges of my pain.

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Sam, it’s completely normal that you are feeling so terrible. I can’t add much to the posters above, but can certainly relate to the daily wanting to die. I think it’s good to have somewhere that we can have honest conversations about suicidal thoughts. Like you, I’ve hung in there for my kids even when I desperately didn’t want to, and I somehow know that if I killed myself, I would find not peace, but terrible regret for inflicting more pain on my loved ones. You’re not selfish at all, Sam, just in pain that feels completely overwhelming. It’s tough when you know that at least for awhile, the reward of hanging in there will be facing exactly the same thing tomorrow. I hope you’ll find, like I did, that a time will come when you don’t want to die EVERY day. I find, Sam, that when suicidal feeling rears its head again, that it helps to make a pact with my late husband that I won’t kill myself TODAY. I don’t worry about tomorrow - I’ll renew the pact then if I have to. You are a mother who lost her child - you’ve experienced what is known to be the very worst loss a person can go through.

I can’t imagine how hurtful it feels to have been ostracized by family at Christmas - especially when you need and deserve so much support.

Take the best care you can, Sam - I have to say I did find medication and counselling helpful. Counselling can help you explore your most painful memories in an environment of support.

Lots of love,

Louise xo

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Sam I lost my wife a month ago. And I feel the same way. Just don’t want to wake up any more. I can’t say a lot to make you feel better but when I look around this site I see I’m not alone and there are positives. They seem a long way off at the moment but through the tears I’m trying. Take care x

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Hi Sam I lost my 23 year old daughter two months ago I’m so lost devestated sad angry etc I keep feeling she’s not gone but I no she has. My mum died of cancer 12 years ago and my brother six. I’ve only my dad and son left in my whole world I’ve no friends etc.
I feel I dont want to be here, I want to be with my baby girl. It’s so hard but I can’t leave my son, his dad my ex husband is dying of cancer so he wont have anyone at all if I take my life and when it’s my dad time. It would be too much for him to deal with, my dads old adwell and not in best of health so I’ve got to think about that.
Please keep going if not for yourself others who need you x

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Thank you for your reply. I’m hoping the pain will lessen with time. It’s just so hard sometimes. Today has been an ok day considering, but it’s hard to remember that on a low day isn’t it? Xx

Thank you Louise,
I do think the counselling is helping. Just nice to have the time and space to talk about my girl and cry openly. I think you are right about not doing anything today, as tomorrow gives a little perspective. I will remember that.
The family have suddenly realised and rallied around for Christmas. I think they’d always planned to but didn’t mention it.
It’s just all so hard but I’m trying not to look any further than today.
I really appreciate your message
Sam x

Thank you Stevie, I can totally identify with your pain too. I think you are right, it really does help to know you’re not alone. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but it’s a comfort to know other people understand what I am going through. And, more importantly, they have survived! Take care of yourself too. Sam x

Oh Vicki, I really feel for you. You have been through so much. I do keep going because of my husband and son, they are the reason I’m still alive. I could never hurt them intentionally, but putting that one foot in front of the other is so hard to do sometimes. I’m happy to chat if you need a friend. Just message me.
Take care x

Sam (and others) My 47 year old daughter died just before Christmas of last year. There were only 2 days between her diagnosis and her death, so we were completely unprepared. I was beyond desperate then, but nearly a year has gone by, and leaving aside the clichés, it really does get easier with time. It will always be a grief, but I do actually try to find a bit of enjoyment in each day. Certainly my daughter would have wanted me to do so. Christmas is especially hard for me, as it is the anniversary of her birthday as well as her death. I am certainly not buying into any of the razzmatazz this Christmas. I am spending the period at a Franciscan friary, where the emphasis is not on spending and silly hats. I hope you will be able to find a peaceful way to spend Christmas, away from the general frenzy. And I hope that this time next year you will be to some degree reconciled with what has happened, and find some purpose to life, as I have. With every best wish.

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Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so nice to hear things have become a little easier for you. I think that sounds a beautiful way to spend such a difficult time for you. I’m sure it will be peaceful despite the turmoil of Christmas. I wanted to spend Christmas abroad but I have 4 dogs so it wouldn’t be easy to do that. Also my son is autistic so he wants the same Christmas as usual. I’ve explained to him it has to be different but he doesn’t take to change very easily. I will just be glad when it is over. Like you, I know Emmy would want me to be happy too but it’s hard. This morning I heard my son come down and for a brief moment I thought it was her. Horrible when realisation hits. I know time will heal. Nearly 11 weeks and it is definitely easier than those first few hideous days and weeks. My counsellor says that in his experience after about a year, those he’s counselled say their grief fits into the palm of their hand instead of consuming them. They always have it and always feel it but it slips into a pocket and they can start to live. I cling onto that metaphor. I think the depth of our grief reflects the depth of our love. I loved Em with all my heart so it’s understandable that now my heart is broken, but I know I will heal given time. I really hope you have a peaceful Christmas. Xx

Hi Sam and everyone. I am struggling so much since my daughters suicide 18 months ago and sorry to say I feel more alone and sad than ever. My heart is full of pain and my son has abandoned me x

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. To lose someone to suicide must be horrific. Emmy tried it twice but obviously didn’t succeed. It’s so distressing to think that they feel unable to talk to us about feeling so low. I’m sorry your son is not more understanding. We all have to grieve in our own way. My husband appears to have coped better than me but I don’t ever underestimate how he must be feeling. We all cope and recover in different ways and at different paces. My way at the moment is to think she has simply gone ahead of me and I have to try and be happy until I see her again. I’m not religious but I do believe I will see her again. Do you have a partner or other family? Maybe counselling would help. It definitely helps me. I’ve also registered with cruse and am waiting to be assigned someone to help with my grief. I lost my parents in July too and would normally turn to them so I know what you mean about grieving for more than one person. Try and get some help. Xx

So sorry Sam you have gone through so much. I try to get by day to day doing the caring work and looking after my animals. I have nothing else in my life and often feel I want to be with my daughter. Feel there is no other reason to be here.love to al xxx

Meant to say love to all as I don’t know anybody called al x

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