Wishing I could die

Well, if you like, You Can Call Me Al.

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https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/You_Can_Call_Me_Al

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Ha ha great Edwin xx

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Thank you Sam. I hope that eventually you will be able to enjoy the little treasures that come each day, but I know too well how hard it is in the first months. It does become more bearable with time, trust me.
Wishing you well at this sad time.

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But only if you call me Betty…

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Thinking about wishing I could die question. Like some of us I thought about suicide, I looked at the best way and there doesn’t seem to be one. I really couldn’t do it. But is it the same to wish for an illness or accident to take me away.

I have thought that too; wishing something would just take my life. That way I’m not selfish or deliberately hurting my family but it still would. I don’t think it’s the same to hope something naturally ends your life. Many people do it as they age.

Just can’t win can we xx

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I know. It feels that way doesn’t it. X

Sam, I feel the same hun. I do t want to be here, I’m dreading Christmas with my whole future gone … both my sons died one aged 33 and one aged 36. It’s just unbearable.

I hope you are coping ok … whatever goes for you us right. You can only get through one day, one hour at a time for now.

Keep talking about how you are feeling … here to support you any fine.

Hugs from me, Sue

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Oversll, I see my own death as the only way to end my grief. Whilst I have contemplated suicide, including methods of, I know I wouldn’t do it. I have known several cases of friends and acquaintances committing suicide over the years, and there is a lingering sense of wrong and wastefulness.

So, the alternative prospect of an early natural death has weighed in on my thoughts.
Against that, I know how much my family are now grieving for their Mum and Nanny too, and there is no way that I would wish to add to that burden, voluntarily or otherwise. We need each other, so I hope for a while longer, so that the family are more prepared for me popping off. Just think of the awful stories told on the forum of multiple bereavements within a short time - who would want to put their now nearest and dearest through that additional misery ?
I also want to see our two dogs through to a natural end to their lives too.

For these reasons, for now, I prefer life.

As a point of interest, there is a significant statistical increase in the chance of death of a surviving spouse, most notably within the three months following bereavement. Google “Widowhood Effect” if interested.

Be careful what you wish for then - that’s what I tell myself.

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*Overall.

How annoying it is to be unable to edit one’s own posts!

I contemplate it all the time. I’ve looked but there doesn’t seem to be a good way to do it. Could you imagine being reunited with my wife were ever that takes place. She would kick my arse. I think she would disown me for leaving the kids and grandkids. I’ve been praying to get terminally ill but isn’t that the same thing. Also going back to my motorcycling roots and hoping to get in a fatal accident. But again she never wanted me to get another. Bike and once again I am so sure we will be together again she will kick my arse so as I’m able to. I’m not going to upset her or even risk upsetting her. So I’m stuck with the crap I’ve got. Xx

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Thank you Sue. Although I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, it’s a comfort to know I’m not alone. I’m so very sorry to hear about your sons. That’s just so sad. Was it recent? My heart goes out to you. Xx

Thanks Edwin, your post makes good sense. I feel the same. Death is the easy option but only for me. I couldn’t hurt my poor husband and son. They have been through enough. It’s hard to keep going but I only look as far as today now and that helps. The thought of decades without her is total agony but I can manage today.
I also have 4 dogs whose unconditional love helps to keep me going.
Every day is so different. One is total agony, the next much easier. I remind myself of this at the darkest times. Xx

I think I would like your wife! She sounds a fabulous strong lady. And she is right. I feel sure she’d want you to be happy as Emmy would me and my family to be. I have decided to try looking at things differently. I am trying to think that we are all destined to arrive at the same place but Emmy has simply gone ahead of me and I need to make the most of the time I have here without her. She had a heart transplant so I intend to carry on raising awareness in her memory. She has an nhs video all about her story which is shared in hospitals all over Europe. It helps me to think she’s left an amazing legacy as your wife did with your children and grandchildren. As you say, your wife would be very annoyed if you left them.
Sometimes the weight of having to stay for others seems unfair but maybe it’s a good thing. Xx

Sam, you’ve hit the nail on the head. I feel that I’m having to stay for others, kids grandkids, and I understand they want me around, but they have their own lives now. So I’m around them a lot but on my own an awful lot. But I have to respect what Denise would have wanted me to do and that’s to carry on and be the best grandad I can be. She can’t be here but I am. She would be so sad watching me cry for her every day so I’m trying so hard for her xxxxxxxxx

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I remember my GP asking if I was having ‘bad thoughts’ after losing my husband and me telling him oh no, I could never do that to my son and daughter and my family. And that’s the thing everyone - suicide is selfish! And here you all are thinking about others - there’s not a selfish one amongst you so of course suicide is not an option. You’re all too fabulous for that, broken but still fabulous. You should all be very proud of yourselves because in amongst your agonising grief you can still think of others. Your loved ones will be looking down and will be proud of you too. Xx

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What a lovely thing to say Kate. Made me tear up - for about the twentieth time today! x

I’m sure Denise is proud of you for finding the courage to carry on. I just think that grief is another version of love and the more you love someone, the more you grieve. I’m proud to have loved my beautiful girl more than life itself so the price I pay is painful grief but I wouldn’t have it any other way xx