Wondering why...

I wonder why the sunshine makes me feel even more sad than usual? Is it because we’re usually brighter generally when the weather gets better and the sun is out and this time we’re not feeling that way or, is it because we remember how much pleasure we had during the nice weather ie days out, time in the outdoors, garden etc? OR, is it the whole package. I suspect the latter. It’s going to be a long difficult summer I guess…!

Dear Cw13 the latter for me. It will be mote difficult when the days get longer…
Take care xx

Yes I think that will probably be the case too. I’m not doing good at the moment. I’m working the days I do work, which in itself isn’t particularly an easy thing to do, but I am doing it so far. The rest of the time I’m achieving little. I just want to curl into a ball. I’m crying every day and have now lost the little motivation I had. Not interested!

Hi. I am that stage too. Although 13 weeks today, things are not getting any easier. I noticed that some of the forum members are almost there, i cannot see myself progressing at all. I want nothing else but think of my darling husband. It has been a very bad week for me. I do laugh with others when i am wifh family or friends but deep in my heart i am crying.
I hope we can reach the time when we can look back and smile at the good memories. (Long way away for me, ì think)
Take care

I hope for that too. But right now I don’t want memories, I want my husband like I’ve never wanted anything before in my life. You obviously feel the same. Sending love to you and thank you for replying x

It’s a bit like playing snakes and ladders. One minute you seem to notice a little difference and then a memory, an event or something inserts itself in your mind and you’re down the snake. I’m not sure time is a great healer but the passage of time is going to be key to making a difference. I reckon we all will have a unique journey and so there’s not much point comparing “progress” with others.
I’m not sure if there is a definite end point in terms of being “there”, more a series of steps or resting places where we look back and realise we are now different.
The warm weather will have association with happy times but so do lots of other things. The spring bulbs flowering has had a kind of symbolism for me. Tomorrow I trade in my old camper van and I’m avoiding thinking deeply about years of holidays tied up with that.
Maybe in another three months things will not give so much pain. I’m sure you will become different but you can’t rush it. New ways of thinking and new behaviours have to be learned, and commitment grown to take them on board.
My wife lived her last few weeks in an uncomfortable heatwave but I’m determined not to build an association there.
I think grief is a process, but I’m not convinced it can be completed.

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Hi … wise words. Endeed very individual, positions and no two situations are same even if we have some similarities.
We are taking this journey and learning on the way. some of us will need to take the longest route. Or will take us longer but going through the same stops.

Have you looked at What’s Your Grief website. Lots of very good articles on the grief process/journey. Like you say, we are all on an individual journey, different starting points to others and a completely different set of challenges, and probably different abilities and capabilities.
I presume we all eventually hit a kind of reality, and the acceptance but it’s probably shaped differently for each of us.
I don’t think you can drive the timetable.

Hello cw13

My partner died 7 weeks ago today and the pain is terrible. I know exactly what you mean about the sunny weather making things worse. I used to feel better on a sunny day when my life was ok and I made plans to do this and that. Well, not now. Even the daffodils coming out affect me. Beautiful flowers now make me sad. I have been prescribed antidepressants but have not taken them as yet. I don’t know if they will help.

I know exactly how you feel as I am going through the same. From getting up this morning my stomach has been churning and it won’t stop. I’ve had lunch and a walk with my best friend but it hasn’t helped at all. In fact I don’t know if it made me worse as it was such a beautiful day and I felt so awful. I realised too that I would never do that again with my partner and felt so lonely. It’s also hard to listen to the plans friends have with their partners for the nice weather. At the minute there is no escape as nothing helps.

Last year, we had to contend with the beast from the east all the way through my partner’s radiotherapy. It started on his first day and finished when his treatment ended. Battling to the hospital everyday was just wonderful. His terminal diagnosis in July meant the long hot summer was wasted as we could not enjoy it. I feel the weather is against me which I know is ridiculous.
You are right about the summer. I am dreading it.

Hi. I was hoping I would feel better in better weather but these last days of sunny weather I wanted to sit outside but can’t bear to sit on the garden bench where we lived to sit. Too upsetting.
I am taking anti depressants but don’t know how as I feel worse if it is depression now or my grief gone worse as the months have gone on. 6 months now. Lillypetal

What is it with doctors that prescribe anti depressants. Were not depressed were grieving. Were lost, sad, frightened, lonely. If our loved ones walked through the door tomorrow, there would be no sign of depression. How can a tablet take away this sort of pain, there’s no quick fix. Tablets might reduce the intensity for a short time (although can’t see how) but the grief will come crashing down on us as the tablets wear off. We have to face our pain head on and hope that one day it will become less intense. Not become hooked on tablets. Was doing well today. Went out walking. Tracks and woodland. Then I remembered that the last time I did this walk my husband was with me. Later a terrible sense of being so alone came over me and I don’t mind my own company. More tears. I wanted my husband to put his arms around me and comfort me or at the least tell me to stop being so daft. Bet you can all relate to this feeling His favourite saying was. “Give it time, everything will work out alright”. How I hope he’s right.

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Once again, thank you for your responses. I always appreciate and listen to the thoughts, advice, recognition and experiences of others on this journey. I’ll try again tomorrow and hope for a better day. I’ll try and put some backbone into it too, I can’t say I’ve done that the last couple of days. I’ve just gone with the not interested approach and although it’s true, I’m not interested, I guess I should try harder to get myself out of this frame of mind rather than just letting it be!

Bloody hell…I still can’t quite believe this is all happening. What a nightmare. Here’s to tomorrow and a decent day for all of us (I’m rolling my eyes whilst I write that sentence)! x

You’ve had a reaction. It’s not that surprising after just four weeks. It’s tough to take but you aren’t in control and no amount of determination or trying is going to change that yet. Four weeks seems like forever and it’s nothing. I can’t believe what you’ve pushed yourself to do already. There’s going to be more periods of reaction, it’s almost inevitable but maybe you will be more ready and catch them earlier. From all you’ve said I think you will pick yourself up, put your determined face on and go again… and the waves of grief will smash into you again, maybe with a bit less ferocity next time. You still aren’t in control but I suppose we can pretend. It’s that thing about becoming.
I hope things look less bleak today.

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Thanks YorkshireLad. Well, I got up. I went for a haircut. Got an appointment for my nails later too. I’m doing the ironing. Plan on going shopping soon. Check me out!

Oh, and it’s raining. BONUS!!!

There you are you’ve made the effort, pat yourself on the back. I don’t need my nails done I just chew them off!!! At least you are taking pride in yourself, so not all is lost. I was told that this grief is like riding the waves, some are huge and others smaller. Let’s hope they become smaller with time, but we have to accept the huge ones some days. Best of luck

I saw the Lancashire rain first hand but it didn’t last long. I’ve been to Bolton.

I’ve got a nail clipper but chewing them off would have been cheaper. Damn, more waste of money.
Trouble with the big waves is they catch you out when you drop your guard.

I thought about you today picking up your new camper. Hope it all went well for you

Those waves certainly do catch up with you and you do feel as if your drowning.I’m trying to work out why I get these terrible moments and then half an hour later everything seems much better. Why do they suddenly come. It doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing, I suddenly have that great wave washing over me.

I think there’s two different ways. One is just thinking deliberately or consciously about something… a trigger.
The second is a bit more subtle and relates to the subconscious mind and the power of association. Not much you can do about it but your mind is constantly accumulating knowledge in the way of percepts. Any of your senses can then pick up on something that your mind links to your husband. You don’t recognise the process as it happens but it has a consequence, and you feel that. It’s just that you aren’t consciously thinking about it. I suppose it’s a variation on sensory perception. We’re all prone to it and how do you guard against it.
From my experience I can control the periods of grief by diverting my thinking. I would imagine that the more new positive memories you create the greater the chance of success. Maybe that’s what you are doing.