I’m not sure if I am at the stage where I ought to be pulling myself together and getting on with things but I lost my mum very suddenly during covid so didn’t get to be with her, had the 15 minute and only 10 people allowed at the funeral and the whole thing was just horrific. Don’t think have fully processed it. My dad was bereft and kept going until he passed away at the end of November 2023. I still feel in a fog of grief, I’ve got 2 teenage children one of whom was doing her gcse mocks when dad died and my husband and I both work full time in busy jobs. I’d only been in my current job since the start of the year so already felt that I was a nuisance when i needed time off to see dad in hospital and when he died. My boss was very sympathetic and told me to take whatever time I needed. His funeral was a couple of weeks before Christmas and then of course it was Christmas and just busy and stressful and hard as missing dad (and mum) so much. I worked between Christmas and new year but was struggling and pretty much as soon as got through new year I got ill with the flu. Tbh I think I was so run down and tired that I was just ready to catch whatever virus was going round. The upshot is that I’ve been in and out of work for the last 8 weeks and I’ve got behind with my workload. It is also a busy job and just me doing this role so no one to pick up my work when off. Had a meeting today with my boss who berated me for not having done something yet. It’s not even urgent and I’ve done plenty of other pieces of work but she said she was disappointed it’s not been done yet. I nearly burst into tears.
I’m tired. I think of dad all the time, I’m trying to get back on with it but I just can’t function at the same level. I’m also menopausal so all in all not in a great place. I suppose what I’m wondering is if it’s normal to not be up to speed at work and does anyone else have the experience that once a few weeks have gone by people seem to forget that you’re still grieving and expect you to just return to normal? I feel like I must come across as flakey and unreliable. Any insights welcome!
Hi @Helcat76
Gosh this sounds aweful. I just wanted you to know I’ve seen your message and offer you my support.
I lost mum in November. I went back to work 2 weeks later and had 3 days off for the funeral. My work have been supportive but my memory is affected by the grief and I’ve lost my edge as I’m tired. I burst into tears for no real reason last week just because I missed her but people’s sympathies do wane. I lost my dad last Friday and am off again. Work is busy and my performance has been noticed. I don’t have any real advice other than keep telling your boss you’re still not okay.
Have you thought about some extra support or a ln OH referal?
Do take care. Rob x
My sympathies. 
I too have lost my dad recently and I’m sorry to hear your boss berated you. It’s perfectly normal not to be up to speed at work, it’s practically impossible to perform at the same level when you’re grieving as grief affects you so much both physically and mentally. And yes, unfortunately most people do expect you to be back to your usual self after a short time. 
It’s hard to know what to advice about work. You need to take care of yourself now, but I understand the pressure you feel if it’s a job you want to keep. Can you talk to your boss and be honest about how difficult it is for you now?
My mum passed away at the end of October 23 I havnt been back to work since I just can’t face it I can’t think straight I have a public facing role and it wouldn’t be fair on them or me if I couldn’t give 100% I feel like I am letting everyone one down but I know I’m crumbling I’m just about standing upright I can’t function properly, my work colleagues have been so supportive before and after but I am grieving and I can’t help the way I’m feeling I have no control I’m due back in 2 weeks and the thought of facing everything and everyone is making me anxious I’m rock bottom right now like I felt the day she passed away feeling like I’m back in that really dark place and can’t find a way out,
Hi @Helcat76 im so sorry for the loss of your mum and dad. I have lost both my parents but also have worked in HR for a long while, advising managers so i hopefully can share insights from both sides of the fence! Hopefully your manager has moved on already and this is just one isolated incident that they felt they needed to pick up on, so you may be worrying unnecessarily. But I agree that from a management perspective, unless there was discussion when you returned to work about a phased return to work, many managers would assume youre back up to speed (many people dont appreciate the impact grief has unless theyve been through it). So if you are struggling and you are also going through the menopause i think its important to talk to your manager, and see what support they can offer - occupational health referral perhaps ? If you are behind with workload, prepare something in advance showing what needs to be caught up on, and get clarity on what your priorities should be. Come up with possible solutions to clear any backlog - do you need short term temp for example? Is there someone else who needs to learn to cover critical jobs - its always risky to have just one person doing critical work. I think it shows youre being proactive and conscientious rather than falling further behind and worrying about getting pulled up. Best of luck
When I went back to work after mum in December 23 I was feeling anxious and like I’d lost my confidence. My deputy director called me first thing for a chat and reassured me as I texted him to say I was feeling that way. That was so helpful. He advised me to ty and get through the day and if I struggled to reach out to him. I took it slow and didn’t place expectations on myself to be like I was before I lost mum. Maybe a phased return could help. I actually found a distraction helpful.
My tolerance for BS has gone but now I just walk away. Good luck getting back. The routine does help. Rob x