My Dad passed away today, suddenly and unexpectedly. While he was in his 70s his health was good. We don’t yet know what caused it, and as he lived overseas (with my step-moyher) I’m not sure exactly what happens from here. I’m shocked, numb, devastated. We also lost my Mum in 2020 to terminal cancer, she was 58.
The thing I’m struggling with right now is an overwhelming sense of worry, maybe some guilt, not sure how to put it into words. Just this sick feeling at the unfairness of it all - for them. What they have, and will miss out on. Worrying did they suffer, are they sad, frightened, am I doing what they would have wanted.
Find it hard to describe, but the worry is eating away at me. It did ease somewhat after Mum died, but is back with a vengence now! Has anyone else felt this way? I find it hard to describe but hoping it might resonate with someone.
I can’t believe it’s happened really. My Dad and I were close, and I hadn’t spoken to him in a week or so. It never crossed my mind that we could lose him so soon.
Hello @Em_85, I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad and mum. Your loss is so very recent and unexpected, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling shocked and numb.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but in the meantime, I wanted to share these Sue Ryder resources with you.
My sympathies for your losses. Yes, I can definitely relate to the worrying. I wish we could know they are ok wherever they are now, that would bring some peace. My dad couldn’t communicate the last week, so I worry a lot if he thought I did things right by him too.
Thank you, and for yours - it’s just so hard isn’t it. We aren’t a religious family, so not sure as to what, if anything, happens when you pass on. I just can stop myself feeling sick at the injustice of it, worrying that they’re sad because they’re not with us anymore!
It is must be especially difficult when you’re not able to communicate. My Mum was unable to talk really toward the end, but we at least were given time to discuss everything in the few months leading up to her death. I feel cheated that my Dad and I didn’t get chance to discuss anything like that, or for me to say goodbye and make sure he knew how much we all loved him.
Thank you. Yes, being the one left behind, no matter what relationship you have, is the hardest ever. So many thoughts spinning. I’m not exactly religious either, I wish I was right now. I wonder the same things you do, so we’re not alone in that at least.
I understand you feel cheated and it must be difficult not knowing what happened yet, I hope you get more clarity soon. It must’ve been such a shock to hear about when you’re far away. Sending you hugs. It’s less than a week for me so still raw and I know too well how it hurts.
Yes a huge shock. I understand what you mean wishing you were religious right now. It would be some comfort to think of them being in a better place somehow. I guess like you say though, it must be harder to be the ones left behind so perhaps there’s some comfort in that - that perhaps they don’t suffer even if we are right now.
I know after losing Mum, it does get a little easier. There’s a famous saying that the size of your grief doesn’t shrink, but life grows around it. I think that’s a good description, although it can be hard to fathom when you feel at your darkest. Losing Dad has made me want to go to Mum for comfort, and then you realise neither of them will be there ever again. If you think about it stretching out, it’s just overwhelming!
Yes, that’s a good description and it feels pretty accurate. In one way you don’t want to grief to disappear either, because it’s a reflection on the love you’ve had for them. But it’s unbearable in the beginning.
Same here. I want to talk to Mum, but now neither of them are here (she passed long ago). It’s an incredibly scary feeling, like losing everything that anchors you. Like you say, the future seems overwhelming.
You’re never quite grown up enough to not need your parents are you!
I can’t shake this feeling of guilt that my Mum had us all gather around her when she died. Because she had a terminal diagnosis we had several months to say everything we needed to, and for her to feel how much we loved her, and to grieve with her I suppose. I feel guilty that my Dad hasn’t had that. We always signed off phone calls with I love you’s, so the logical bit of me know he knew we did. I think I just feel like he’s been short-changed somehow. That he’s overseas and we’re all separate around the country rather than all together. That less “fuss” means he was less important, which of course he wasn’t. I feel guilty even typing it.
It will get easier, it did before and it will again. You go on because you don’t have any other options. But even that comes with a side helping of guilt!
Edit: sorry I realize I’ve just said the same thing really, I just can’t get it out my head!
Just heard that my Dad’s postmortem will be today, and they’ll set a date for the direct cremation (which will be in Greece). Feels very soon, I thought I’d have more time to accept things before he was gone, gone if that makes sense. Feels like it’s all moving outside of my control and so far away). Part of me wants to be there, closer to him. Part of me doesn’t want to leave my husband and dog here. Feel a bit muddled right now.
Yes, that makes sense, especially since it happened far away. Could your husband go with you, maybe? I get that you don’t want to leave him or the dog, they are your support right now. But it might be that you need to go down there for a bit so you can feel more in control. If you want, you can message me privately. I’m a mess, but perhaps we can help each other a little.
Thanks Ulma, I don’t think it will be possible. Seems the wheels of Greek beaurocracy move a little faster than ours. Dad will be cremated on Saturday, and his ashes returned on Sunday. I wouldn’t be able to get here in time, even if my husband could get the leave from work. I think I just have to plan for us to say goodbye in our own way later down the line.
We found out it was a massive heart attack. From the little my step-mother could gather from the Greek medical staff, it seems he had a build up of plaque on his arteries which led to the heart attack. We had no idea. He’d had blood tests and check ups regularly, but seems none really looked closely at his heart. I just hope it was instantaneous and he wasn’t in any pain.
I popped out to do some shopping today, but felt a bit panicky and guilty being out and about. Im sorry to hear you’re struggling to Ulma, I will message.
Yes, I can definitely relate to the worrying. I wish we could know they are ok wherever they are now, that would bring some peace. My dad couldn’t communicate the last week, so I worry a lot if he thought I did things right by him too.