I’m having a really bad week. I honestly have no clue what to do with myself. How to get through it. No one understands. No one. I’m the first of all my friends who have lost their mum. Apart from my best friend who lives a long way from me. She lost her mum in a car accident 24 years ago. She still can’t talk about it so I can’t really talk to her. My husband bless him tries. But he has no words. There are no words. Each day it gets worse. I kept telling myself how lucky I was to have her for so long. She was 70. But still young in my eyes. She was so frightened. So terrified. She wasn’t ready. I cannot get those last images out of my head. That week in hospital. Where she had to drink her tea out of child’s tippy cup. Those poor terrified frightened eyes. Going into a hospital being told it’s pneumonia then sorry it’s terminal cancer she has less than a week left. We never told her she had only days left she just knew it was terminal. And I wish to god I fought harder with the drs not to tell her about the cancer. Instead I pretended we were going to take her home. That the main problem was the chest infection. That if she got rid of the chest infection I would take her home. I acted normal in front of her as if to say “no problem here just a chest infection then you can go home. Cancer is not a problem we will sort that” In actual fact she knew deep down she said to me “I’m never going home now”. I laughed and said course you are mum. I smiled I chatted to the nurses and stuck with my inner voice mantra “Act like everything is normal here, nothing to worry about, no one frighten her please”. I Talked to her about all our old times. But she stayed mute. when my aunt visited and said “I’ll look after the children for you”. I nearly screamed. Don’t say that to her. She needs to think she is coming home. But I know I was wrong to think like that. I just wanted her to not be frightened. To just have a bit of hope.
Sorry had to get that off my chest today. I don’t need any replies I needed to vent. Thank you for listening.
I listened and I can empathise with you. I think the way you behaved is exactly how I would have behaved, I can’t see how you could have done it any differently apart from pointing out the obvious but then what good would that have done anyone? We all want the best for our mums and we don’t want them to be in pain or fear anything. I would always gladly take the pain and suffering on behalf of my mum if I could. I couldn’t take the final suffering away even though I had some glimmer of hope right up until the last few minutes that things would turn out ok. I was wrong. My mum always feared death so I would always avoid the subject as much as possible over the years as I knew it would make her depression worse. Another thing I couldn’t fix no matter how hard I tried.
Thank you for venting. We all need to do it every now and then. We understand here, even if others don’t. My wife is wonderful but I can’t really relate all my feelings to her every day, She has lost both her mum and last year her dad so I don’t want to burden her with all this.
Shaun my mum also suffered from depression and anxiety that centred round her chronic fear of death, hospitals and cancer. She couldn’t even look at an advert relating to cancer. So we certainly never mentioned it ever in her presence so I had no idea what to say to her or how to behave. Now that her worst fear was coming true. Over the years I tried so desperately hard to help her with her depression and fears. But this was not something I coujd ever fix. I looked into her eyes and said “I wish so much I could do something”. She squeezed my hand and nodded with that awful mask on her face. Her eyes wide with terror. I stroked her face and said “get some sleep I’m right here”. She closed her eyes and I stroked her hair so she felt comforted. I could see her keep squeezing her eyes together and I know she was trying to shut the images out in her head. Then she opened her eyes wide and started shouting “I’m panicking I’m panicking help”. It was truly awful. That night I went up to the hospital chapel and prayed for her to go quick. As I couldn’t bare seeing her so frightened. Her mental anguish was far worse than her physical pain. She died the next day.
Thank you for listening and for your reply. I feel a little better getting that off my chest. I’m sorry for your wife too. What an awful year you have both had. I guess that’s why we come to these forums. Otherwise what do we do with our thoughts and feelings. It’s like a internal bomb waiting to explode.
I listened too joules and want you to know I’m here. Some weeks are definitely worse than others and you just cant pinpoint why.
At the moment I’m in work without tears but mum is always there on my mind and I can’t believe I will never see or speak to her again.
Don’t know what to say to make things better for you but I just guess time will eventually dull some of the pain x
Do so understand, Jools. My husband died 3 weeks and two days after we were told he had AcuteMyeloid Leukaemia and that there was nothing to be done. He had just thought he had a virus and the shock was huge. He was so desperate and angry during those last days, I so wish he hadn’t known.
I do feel your pain.
Such a shock isn’t it. When someone is diagnosed with cancer and they are told only days or a couple of weeks left. I hear stories like this more and more. I have seen people battle cancer for years so I know it’s kinder this way. But the shock is immense. Bereft. I’m so sorry for your loss. X
Thank you Jools. It’s been a year now and I am beginning to accept my loss but still hate how it happened and know that will never alter. Take care of yourself.
Hello Jooles
Whatever anyone says to you, you will feel guilty, it is all part of the grieving process. I understand exactly what you are going through, I put myself on a guilt trip with my dad. He asked me for some toast with jam on it, I forgot the jam, I remembered whilst I was trying to sleep the same night. I felt so unhappy and guilty, it is over 30 years ago and I still remember it after all these years. I do believe that it is normal for us to hang our grief on something that we can torment ourselves with. Please try and put your guilt away and remember all the lovely things which I am sure you did for your mum.
Blessings,
MaryL
Oh Joules. I really empathise. My mum like yours was taken into hospital last June then we had a terminal lung cancer diagnosis the second day. She passed 3 weeks later. I’m still haunted by her bedridden and being so terrified . Her eyes were full of fear and she disnt want to talk about anything. There was no hope and they fast tracked her to a nursing home for her final days. I still told her she was going three to rest not to die. I’m haunted by her face, her eyes and her upset when visiting times were over. She always made an excuse to try and make mr stay longer. The pain has been unbearable and I’m now on my second round of sick leave from work. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it is for you. Xx
Thank you both. I’ve been having counselling to try deal with mums last days. Yesterday I didn’t realise how much I held it in as I started talking about it with my counsellor and had an anxiety attack. But I felt better after. And feel a little better today. But it’s peaks and troughs at the moment. Mosie. Sounds very much you went through something very similar. Mum was told she had a few weeks left. But I think the shock and her giving up, speeded up the process and it was only 2 days in the end. I still kept on saying. Come on mum take your antibiotics and get rid of this chest infection then I can take you home. She was far too ill to go anywhere so I knew it wouldn’t happen. She couldn’t even lift her arms. Her leg kept on slipping off the bed and she couldn’t lift it back on. I had to lift it for her. Bless her heart. Very painful memories. X
Mary I spoke to Samaritans a few times and they said the same. Everyone in grief tries to hang their blame on something. It’s quite normal apparently. I do try and get rid of my guilt because it’s destroying me. Hope you are a little better today Mary.
Thank you, Jooles,
I felt rough this morning when I woke up but having taken my medication, I do feel a lot better. It is at times like this we miss our loved ones all the more. x x