I’m having a really bad week. I honestly have no clue what to do with myself. How to get through it. No one understands. No one. I’m the first of all my friends who have lost their mum. Apart from my best friend who lives a long way from me. She lost her mum in a car accident 24 years ago. She still can’t talk about it so I can’t really talk to her. My husband bless him tries. But he has no words. There are no words. Each day it gets worse. I kept telling myself how lucky I was to have her for so long. She was 70. But still young in my eyes. She was so frightened. So terrified. She wasn’t ready. I cannot get those last images out of my head. That week in hospital. Where she had to drink her tea out of child’s tippy cup. Those poor terrified frightened eyes. Going into a hospital being told it’s pneumonia then sorry it’s terminal cancer she has less than a week left. We never told her she had only days left she just knew it was terminal. And I wish to god I fought harder with the drs not to tell her about the cancer. Instead I pretended we were going to take her home. That the main problem was the chest infection. That if she got rid of the chest infection I would take her home. I acted normal in front of her as if to say “no problem here just a chest infection then you can go home. Cancer is not a problem we will sort that” In actual fact she knew deep down she said to me “I’m never going home now”. I laughed and said course you are mum. I smiled I chatted to the nurses and stuck with my inner voice mantra “Act like everything is normal here, nothing to worry about, no one frighten her please”. I Talked to her about all our old times. But she stayed mute. when my aunt visited and said “I’ll look after the children for you”. I nearly screamed. Don’t say that to her. She needs to think she is coming home. But I know I was wrong to think like that. I just wanted her to not be frightened. To just have a bit of hope.
Sorry had to get that off my chest today. I don’t need any replies I needed to vent. Thank you for listening.