Young tragic loss of partner sudden -28, little answers,

Not sure where to start but thought I’d try this forum as no matter what family or friends say it feels like just words. It may even help the slightest relating to someone in a similar situation.
I feel it’s only just beginning to sink in and constant guilt from eating to smiling. I’ve little answers around the whole circumstance and this makes the pain worse. Whilst I consider all the what ifs, it’s eating me up. Throwing in being the fact he had to be cremated on his own due to this pandemic and lockdown. There’s just little way of trying to get by, with every Saturday feeling like Groundhog Day and reliving the initial pain and not wanting to leave a dark room.
I lost my partner of 5 years, 5 weeks ago. He was 28. I was out of the country . We had an amazing relationship, bounced off each other and grew together with many memories already created and much plans for the future. The most golden guy when it came to even just the little things like hanging my pjs on the heater for me coming home from work. I was content in life and where we were going with me achieving a higher position at work through studies last year and him just getting promotion which he was meant to start the week after he died. Life is just so cruel and unfair sometimes,
I cannot get the phone call out my head and the initial strike of pain , from his mum I received on holiday saying he was dead and all we know is he’d fallen down some stairs.
To find out it was our flat stairs made this even harder to understand.
I made the 30 hour journey home to then stay with parents as I could not face the flat and have had to look for somewhere new to live…
In all of this, thrown the lockdown which doesn’t allow you to experience even a close to normal life. I feel anxious and heartbroken.
All his family have been told is they think it was a tragic accident and he was taken to the hospital.
Now I work in healthcare and this is just not enough information for me to be given…it doesn’t It’s allow for this to even feel real. Post mortem bar other tests waited on have showed nothing so I’m told. I just can’t get my head round it nor can I accept it, I constantly picture the stairs and try to understand how it’s possible it was that bad a fall and I can’t help but picture him lying there. I constantly have dreams about not being able to see him or contact him. I wake anxious.
I feel guilty for not beng here, had I been there I could of treated him, would he still be here… feel guilty as we hadn’t spoke on the phone bar messaging whilst the time difference meant I went to sleep and he was up and out with friends the day before and of his accident.
He walked home on his own, his usual sappy self would of phoned me but he knew I was at a festival and with time difference he’d left it. Wish I had phoned him… wish I’d been there… why him not me…

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Hi jad92

I am so sorry to read about the tragic loss of your partner. I havent event experienced the same thing although I lost my dad suddenly aged 53, my mum suddenly aged 74 last year and I just lost a colleague to covid 19 with no previous health conditions.
Has the post mortem revealed what actually killed your partner? I know that this sort of freak accident is possible as I work for the emergency services and learnt a long time ago that every day cannot be assumed. Have you read the full report?
I cant tell you how things are going to be or how you will cope. I know lots of people on this site have lost their partners and many of them are young in their 20s, 30s and 40s. I’m sure they will be along soon.
Others may not think it’s a good idea to delve into the post mortem but I wanted to know why my mum had died and although it was hard at least o understand things that were wrong with my mum that we had no idea about.
Cheryl x

Hi, thanks for the reply. I do understand everyone’s experience of loss is unique and I am so sorry for your awful and tragic losses, I hope that you are doing as good as you can be. I appreciate you taking the time to offer me wordsmith of advice in this difficult time.
So as I was not in the country Police dealt with the family. I have had no part in this (not next of kin) .
Im an ANP so I do get how these tragic things can happen but in a sense it’s the actual small stairwell itself , it’s maybe just I’m unwillingness to accept it. I think regardless through the experience I’ve had In my job, maybe it’s just harder to accept when you see people double the age having worse off accidents and recovering. Maybe it’s just there’s no answers been given to me and I could get my head around it a bit more if this was the case. I’ve been told no natural causes, that’s all I know. I am currently seeking advice on what form of consent I need from next of kin to have a conversation with the department he presented to, maybe this could lead to permission around the post mortem? It’s awful but I feel it might just be the nurse in me and help me accept what’s happened more instead of 1 million questions.
Maybe something I should consider I guess I’ve just respected what I’ve been told through the family, which is obviously massively difficult for them and I suppose I didn’t want to push for anything Incase i ever I upset them.

Hi jad92
I see that this may cause problems as you arent next of kin,which is a real shame when you are someones life partner.
As my mums nok, I got full disclosure.
Did the police close the case as non suspicious? If they did there probably isnt anything you can do other than ask the official next of kin for exact details.
Of course, none of this will being your partner back.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. You are too young for this heartache x

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Yes this is my frustration, my phone was on flight mode and his passport had his family member as nok as we went on holiday together incase something happened to us both.
I believe the case is still open in the sense waiting on one other result.
It’s difficult because the family actually know so little and think they are struggling, completely understandable
, and still in shock. They have only been told minimal by the police and I feel in time they may want more answers. I feel they deserve a conversation also with the departments that he presented to but understand they may not want to hear it either as we all deal with things in different ways Andy no way would I push them to this for my sake.
Thankyou though for sharing this with me a song I may just have to come Tom realisation I might not get the answers I long for to help me through this raw journey.
Working in the healthcare, gives you too much knowledge I think, sometimes it’s better knowing little. Do you suggest any other ways of dealing with bereavement that possibly helped yourself?
Again, thanks for your honest and kind words.

In all honesty nothing has really helped me.
I tried bereavement counselling but it did nothing.
I miss my mum so much it hurts and I cry most days. I went walking alot when it first happened but of course you cant do that now. Getting back to work was very important for me but now I’m working from home things have gone downhill.
I’m surviving that all. I cook, clean, look after my daughter, my partner, the house. But I dont enjoy life. The light went out of my world when my mum suddenly died. However we are all different.
Just take things slowly and look after yourself.
Remember, it’s ok not to be ok x

I know it’s early days but I did consider counselling. Can I ask how long ago this was you lost you’re mum?
It won’t help you have recently lost someone else close. As well as this lockdown it’s exacerbating Everything. It’s so hard to keep busy yet it’s not healthy to not think about it all because it then builds something up and hits even harder and I mean I find myself distraught but then there’s days I just have a few tears and I don’t understand why I’m doing this and not more upset or I feel guilty for not thinking about it and being okay for a short time. I won’t pretend I know how you feel but this is kind of what I take from it.
The fact even you are working, keeping going for your partner/daughter is amazing. I can get why not being able to get out has made things worse for you and working from home. I said every Saturday feels like Groundhog Day, this isn’t helped by the lockdown either. I know what you mean not enjoying life, even food doesn’t taste the same, or you have even the desire to eat because its not enjoyable.
Im so sorry this is how you feel at the moment and I hope your partner and support network around you at least listen.
I hope that one day you will see a bit more of the light.

My mum died in june so its 10 months now. I was signed off work for the first 4 months I was such a mess. I went back to work in mid October and was full time by xmas.
Obviously I’m slowly getting used to mum not being here, we lived together the 4 of us so that has been hard.
I can still imagine that she is here though. We used to do everything together.
Who do you have for support? Are your partners family keeping you informed and involved?

That must be so hard, a relationship with a mother can be so close doing everything together it must hit harder. Whilst also Living together, sounds like you’ve had a massive loss and change in your life. You have so much to adjust to. It can’t be easy trying to keep everything going for the sake of your daughter and partner nor completely easy being at work and with this lockdown it makes it even worse. I’m assuming you are still in the same house as you were. There will be alot of memories and triggers. Which in a way may be a comfort but at the same time also bring alot of emotions to face. Have you found chatting on this group helps? Have you got any other people to lean on? It’s difficult I think unless someone has been through a similar experience I suppose.

It’s obviously early days but still signed off. Feel like I’m currently in a bubble, I’ve been staying with my parents and brother at this moment which is why and I’m miles from where we stayed. Its been helpful and I have a very good friend group but they live miles away and don’t have a clue how it feels. Feel like some don’t really know what to say or how to kind of act around me. We also shared my closest friend group so I honestly don’t know how I’m going to feel doing any of our group meet ups and trips like new year or annual camping trips when he would always normally be there and be the life and soul of it all. My friends and family live hours away.

It’s so early, face the task of going through all our things and moving (next week). Feel its something I need to do though to at least take another step towards living without him. I can’t be around my family forever and need to be in the city we called home to really experience life without him.
Haven’t had any kind of ceremony/celebration of his life yet so it’s almost like times stopped.
At times I’m utterly devastated then I can carry on almost kind of like normal yet feel guilty for not crying every minute.
His family have been very good but we lived hours apart them and with the lockdown I’ve not been able to even see them. Even they weren’t in the same city when it happened so weren’t involved in his hospital admission. Not sure how much they will really be taking in and the only people they’ve had conversations with is the police. We’ve spoken every week for sorting things out and supporting each other. I feel maybe they must be in shock and not sure how much they are taking in.
Sorry absolute overload of the story.
I appreciate your time and sharing bits of your experience x

Hi jad92
Not at all. Please keep talking.
I have found this site to be so helpful and have a lovely group that I talk to regularly.
I think it will never feel real. I just didnt think I would lose her even though I had lost my dad 21 years ago.
It still feels like she just popped over to visit my sister and hasnt returned.
Anyway rely on the support of your family, particularly at this awful time and I hope you manage to have that celebration of life for your partner that he deserves x

Hi there, can I say how sorry I am for your loss and what a shock and of course your frustration at not being able to find out exactly what happened to him. What a horrendous situation to be in.
Can I just say though that you are able to get out and walk. You can take exercise. I go out for a long walk in my area every day with my dogs and while I am out I see lots of people taking their exercise by walking and running. You might not feel like going out at the moment but when you do I can recommend walking, it really does help. I am self isolating but keeping myself occupied.
Good luck to you

@Pattidot thankyou for your reply and suggesting what helps you. I have been in self isolation for 14 days due to possible contact with covid but this has just come to an end yesterday. I will definately consider what you have suggested. I actually bought a pup as it was always mine and my partners plan next and thought I needed something to get me out and focus on. I can walk him as of Friday so will certainly try getting out the house.
I have been exercising in the house. It does help and I know of this as I use exercise normally to vent as working as a nurse can be high pressure.
I think because I’ve never experienced such a close bereavement and the way things are at the moment I’m just struggling to take proper steps forward, like a celebration of his life/seeing his family/can’t go back to our flat. It’s just a bit mad. Let alone the unanswered questions.
Im struggling to know how to feel, I find it confusing. I wonder why I have ok days with minimal tears and feel guilty. Then I have really bad days. I suppose its all so early and as many people keep saying there’s no right and wrong way to feel.
I suppose its just the whole circumstances adding to upset and confusion.
Appreciate you taking the time to try and bring me some coping mechanisms that help yourself.
Jade x