Hello everyone, I really feel the need to write down how I’m feeling at the mo and hope some of you will understand, or maybe advise if I’m wrong.
I’ve been without my lovely hubby for 5 months now and I so miss him, he understood and knew me so well.
Most of my friends have faded into the background, and just one or two keep in touch via fb but that’s it really. I have a couple of close family but again dont see them that often apart from my SIL who calls every week to take me shopping. This is where I am Starting to feel bad about how I’m feeling because I’m wondering if I’m doing all the giving and wonder if I’m being taken advantage of, or taken for granted? I cook us a nice meal and cook and bake each week, sending her home with lots of goodies, including sometimes even clothing or equipment that I dont use.
I’ve always been generous person and will always help anyone out , including borrowing money, but I do appreciate if I’m asked first before things are borrowed or used.
I keep finding food in my fridge or cupboard that’s been opened or used up and its starting to annoy me a little. My SIL will sometimes say oh I’ve taken the rest of those sweets/chocolates or I’ve used your bread up, hope you have more, and she will readily use up the last of all the butter or open foodstuff in the fridge without asking, or letting me know so I then either have to use it up or throw it out . She will use clothing like my bathrobe, or she will help herself to things like my socks or whatever and they then go home with her. I was poorly recently and felt very alone here by myself, but she wont change her set visiting day, even when it was my birthday. I’ve had a couple of difficult anniversaries to deal with but again even though she knows I’m alone as she messages me, she will not come over. I know that she wouldn’t like it if I mentioned this stuff and would probably stop her regular visits. Am I being petty here as we are so different, or does it seem like I’m doing all the giving. I’m so confused right now, and really feel like I need to meet new people and have my own life. I am a member of a widows group and though its helpful its only really online or keeping in touch by phone. Sorry this is so long and boring.
Hi, your post is not long or boring 
5 months is not long for you to be without your Darling husband it’s 3 months for me 
having read your post I definitely think your SIL is taking advantage and totally overstepping the mark. Like you I am the first to help anyone out, the first to pay for things or give things away but sometimes you need to say enough is enough. The fact your SIL wouldn’tcome when you were poorly or on your Birthday is not acceptable, it seems she only visits on her terms or when there is something in it for her. My eldest step daughter was like that, used to arrive every Christmas for two weeks (She’s in london I am in Scotland) Demanded to be collected at the airport, did not lift a finger the whole stay not even to make her bed or a cup of tea. Took everything going, we took her out, wined and dined her took her to the theatre to the Christmas markets, paid for everything and she never as much as bought us a box of chocolates as a thank you. Our Christmas gifts were a £10 Amazon voucher for her Dad and last year I got a £2.99 paperback! If she was struggling and didn’t have it I wouldn’t mind so much but she is 41, single ( I wonder why) own house and an amazing salary. I have never met such a greedy, entitled selfish 
in my life. I tolerated her for years because I loved her Dad but now he is gone I have cut all ties with her. I am hanging on by my finger nails and the last thing I need is to have that type of person in my life. I have stopped being a people pleaser and do what I need to do to get me through the day. I think maybe you are tolerating her behaviour because you have got into a routine and she is part of that but it is obviously getting to you and you know what she is doing is not right. You need to approach the subject and say you are not comfortable with her being so familiar with your things and although you appreciate how kind she had been you won’t tolerate it anymore. You do need to meet new people and widen your social circle so you don’t rely on your SIL so much. Oooh get me Marjorie Proops 
V xx
Mrscolt thankyou so very much, everything you have written is exactly spot on about what’s going on. I’ve kept quiet as I know the things seem a bit petty, but its starting to grate as it does indeed seem like it’s all on her terms. My hubby was let down very badly by both her and his brother, but she seemed to step up when my hubby passed away. I really dont think that I would have gotten through these months without her regular visits but it’s becoming apparent that I’m not getting a great deal back, though I really dont expect much.
If it was the other way round I would be there in person if she wasnt well and feeling really low, instead of just messaging and sympathising.
Exactly, that’s why I feel she’s not genuine and only out for what she gets out of the relationship. Call me cynical but that’s what it looks like to me 
It seems like your SIL is most certainly helping herself. Does she understand boundaries? It quite shocking that she will help herself to your clothing.
You could request that she does not help herself to stuff, as it is giving you a shock/jolt when you are finding food taken, something removed or used up.
It sounds like you are very generous.
I agree with everything that Mrs. Colt has said, you are certainly being taken advantage of by your SIL, I had a sister-in-law like her, I now call her my ex-SiL. she took advantage of us, I can remember clearly my late husband (6 months today since he passed away) asked her if she would like some homegrown tomatoes, did she? She stripped our greenhouse of every single one, there wasn’t one left. Stan was so angry, bless him, he was the kindest most generous person, I ever knew. We started joking about it, there were other incidents too, with which I won’t bore you ,Stan said and I agreed with him that she is as tight as a fish’s a**e and that is watertight. I do believe nannym that you should tell her how you feel, if she takes offence, then tough, she is the loser. I am very sorry that your husband has died, it is a horrible situation which you find yourself in, the people here are the kindest most compassionate beings who I have ever come across, stick with this forum and you will always have a friend (s) even though we are in your computer.
Blessings,
MaryL x x x
MaryL thankyou, it certainly sounds like my experience with my SIL, There are many similar experiences of when I’ve said to take things. I nodded where you wrote about your hubby’s tomatoes as that’s exactly what she would do too.
I mentioned to my son that I donr know if it’s a type of greed, as I know that she does have a tight household budget, but that is mostly down to the lifestyle that she and her partner have chosen. If I give her stuff for the charity or a raffle ( she works in a rescue centre), she will go through all the stuff first and take what she wants or likes.
My hubby like yours , was kind and generous to a fault and I’ve never known anything like this really. My son said it’s like she is collectomaniac, but I dont know.
Thankyou so much for your kind words and friendship. Xx
Daffy123, Thankyou for your response, I’ve always tried to be kind and generous to everyone and it’s hard to change the way we are, but I think people do take advantage. X