A touchy subject?

Losing a partner
21

I have lost loved ones before, and without exception, each has communicated their presence in different ways after their death. Sometimes shortly afterwars, sometimes months later. I didn’t expect that John’s passing in June would be any different. We often talked about our belief systems and he was a skeptic until my mom passed. She adored him. The feeling was mutual. After she passed she most definitely made her presence known. He became a believer that our spirit/our essence is eternal and returns to the Universe. Whatever mainstream religion you adhere to, most have similar concepts regarding eternal life, or alternatively reincarnation which presumes the soul is a unique entity and eternal. Neither of us ever mentioned how it would happen, but he began to have confidence that it would.
He came to me on the 4th night after his death. Round about 3 in the morning, there was a loud thunderclap and I woke up. All I could smell, all I could taste was garlic. Hadn’t cooked with garlic, chopped any garlic, nor do I grow garlic. The smell and taste was overwhelming. First thought was that maybe I was having a brain aneurism. Then it dawned on me…yup. John. He would eat cloves of garlic, or if the garlic was diced in a jar, he’d eat it by the spoonful. Once I acknowledged his presence, the smell and taste started to dissipate. It wasn’t a dream as even my dogs were aware that something was going on. (I know, you’ll say that they awoke because of the storm…these things don’t bother them enough to wake up as a general rule and if they do, they just as quickly fall back asleep…this night they did not. They were alert and aware.)

No I’m not nuts. It just is what it is. Do I appreciate his visit? Yes. Do I miss him fiercely? Oh my. The ache of loss is a raw open wound. Miss the hugs and miss the soles of our feet touching as we fell asleep. (menopause and hot flashes means no spooning sadly)

6 Likes
22

That must be a comfort. I am always on the lookout for signs that he still around. He didn’t believe in any kind of afterlife. I keep an open mind.
I have also lost several of my family and friends but have not had any signs, just a couple of unpleasant dreams.
When I am struggling with a problem or task that feels insurmountable a solution often presents itself though. I like to think it is him helping me. It could just be determination or a coincidence, but I get comfort and thank him anyway.
I would settle for just one sign, but then I am reminded of “Doubting Thomas”, and that the whole point of faith is that you don’t have proof.
I will keep hoping and looking. I have numerous birds in my garden, including robins, there are always feathers around, but that’s nothing new.
Thanks for sharing, it gives me hope. Xx

3 Likes
23

Hey Willow. I don’t actually “look” for signs. I’m an observer, tend to lean logical and when presented with anomalies in “normal” question it. When I cannot find a logical answer, I begin to enjoy the experience for what it is and take the opportunity to say hello, I miss you. Each of my lost ones has presented in different ways. Visual images, sound, the natural world and now taste and smell. Perhaps it might be a case of how receptive one is to it. The women on my mom’s side have had these experiences for generations past. I guess it comes down to having faith that we are all connected, and have our place in the Universe whether in a physical body, or as a spirit set free. In your case, I do believe that it is in the solutions to the insurmountable presenting themselves that the connection is made. Their way of saying I’m still here to help and support you.

What remains true irrespective of individual belief systems is that we have loved and will continue to love our people whether physically present or not. That connection will not be severed. What is hard is the raw pain of the physical loss as we are tactile, social beings. I miss him. I miss his feet. I miss his jokes. I miss his sexy dance (not sexy at all but funny as heck) I miss his physical presence, all 6’6" of it. He was a big man with a big heart and his absence is a loss to those that knew and loved him.

3 Likes
24

I smell flowers when there’s none around not very often but occasionally.I actually smelt them the day before Peter passed away very suddenly and since his death I have smelt them 3 or 4 times,I think someone is trying to communicate with me has anyone else had this

1 Like
25

Not flowers but my wife’s distinct perfume quite a few times.

1 Like
26

My mother was a very good gardener and we have always had a very well stocked garden full of colour and perfume so I’m sure it’s something to do with it.

1 Like
27

I recently wrote about seeing 6 dragonflies, the 6th one being last week, just after he had been gone for 6 months, under Losing My Marbles/Losing A Partner topic. I’ve since realised that I bought a dragonfly necklace in May, they are within the pattern of my duvet cover and I have a mug with them on. Since reading about them ,makes it seem even more poignant…

Dragonflies Appear When Angels Are Near
Dragonflies Appear When Angels Are Near650×650 59.5 KB

3 Likes
28

Oh yeah, and I am a Christian. It has always been within me, no idea how as neither parents practised.

1 Like
29

Hi sadgirlfriend,
I know know why a dragon fly repeatedly flew past me whilst sitting in the park. Thanks

30

Hi @Walan , sorry its taken so long to get back. I don’t know anything specific bookwise as I have not really bought books on this subject, I can tell you my journey and I apologise up front as i tend to ramble!
Paganism predates all religions, many of the major religions have pinched a lot from the pagans, particularly celebrations.
As we do even now, people have to look for answers and back in the day, reverence, worship or just some belief would have been based on the natural world, there wasn’t much else! obviously there were no books, publications,tv or social media, information was handed down the generations by word of mouth, the biggest elements to this was the cycle of life, ie. born, live and die, this could be seen in everything that pagan people would have come into contact with, the natural world, everything has this cycle of life, from plants, trees, the birds, animals to the day and night, sun and moon. The sun would arise “born” in the morning and set “die” at night, ok we now have the information that this is not strictly the case but the principle applies, one day, even the sun will die. As things progressed the cycle of life is applied to the seasons, we have spring, where everything starts life, progresses through summer, “ages” in autumn and dies in winter only to start all over again next spring!

Because of these recognisable cycles, the events would be celebrated, we still do today, birth, life and even death, we still mark it even if not celebrated as such, in the modern world, we may well “celebrate” the persons life upon death and well we should.
Pagan people would celebrate a death as they knew that new life would begin again, seedlings, babies be they birds, animals or human! It would be natural to think that the spirit of life would pass from the old life into the new life, some believed in reincarnation but not necessarily as the old life form, some believed that the spirits would exist in another plane and could be contacted at certain times:

Explanation.
Samhain is the Celtic New Year, October 31st/November !st, summer has ended, the harvest is in, winter follows, Celtic pagans would prepare food for the loved ones who have passed, it is also the time when the veil between our world and the spirit world is at its thinnest and contact with the loved ones spirits can be made.
Hijacked by other religions and now known as All Hallows, All saints day and the horror of horrors Halloween!

Celtic paganism is what I have chosen as my path, I have always had a deep love of the natural world, since I was a kid, I realised later on, I also have a more spiritual connection that at first I could not understand so i started investigating and it was clear to me that Paganism had a lot of the answers but there are many different paths especially with the advent of neopaganism - modern paganism and these messed with my thinking, they were not right for me, there are too many to discuss here but you can find a lot of information on the internet.
Pagans, do NOT worship the devil, do NOT practice evil or black magic and do no harm to others, we DO revere nature and DO believe in spirits returning to the natural world.
There are many pagans who belong to certain organisations and prefer a more structured experience, all of these are relatively modern, for the rest of us, we are “lone” pagans who follow their own beliefs. I have had a lot of contentment from finally finding something I actually relate to, in times of pain like now ( I lost my wife just over 4 months ago) I do get comfort from my “beliefs”

Now don’t get me started on the Gaia theory, told you I rambled!!

2 Likes
31

@swift My turn to apolplogise for the the tardy response and to say thanks for a very eloquent and comprehensive explanation of your spiritual beliefs. I’ve always found the transpositions of celebrations marking events from Pagan to Christian fascinating and enjoy the writings of people such as Joseph Campbell who make arguments for an overarching unity in the mythology of humanity. i guess I was interested in what you were saying about Paganism as, as you point out, there’s little to no written evidence about meaning and practice, instead we really on communal cultural events that appear self evident in their meaning but contain direct connections to these half remembered ceremonies through the symbols and rituals involved.

I was particularly interested in you having devised a Pagan funeral for both your wife and son. Please be reassured this is not the opening of a debate on the validity of these, I’m just curious as to how you approached this given that there’s no reliable record of how these would have been carried out. For me, with my very limited and basic understanding of paganism, it would be a case of “Where do i start?!”.

I’m asking as my late wife and I had a very deep love of nature and being in it. We live in Northumberland with its multitude of pagan relics imprinted across the land. She asked for her ashes to be scattered in various remote and beautiful places which i have begun to do and would like to perhaps bring some of the aspects that you describe into the ad hoc and developing ceremony that I employ. Would you be willing to describe in a bit more detail the funeral ceremonies that you devised?

32

Hi Walan, usual apology, I will get back properly but need to put things on paper first, so bear with me!
Possibly by private message, I will see if it will be of interest first to others but will let you know.

1 Like
33

It would be of interest to me as well Swift.

1 Like
34

My first post here was exploring other peoples take on spirituality, I then expanded on my beliefs being basically Pagan, this post is in response to @Walan and @iamposeygirl and I was tempted to go down the private message route but there may be others interested so thought I would just post:

I have put this together to try and explain what I was trying to achieve as a service for 1st my son who died 20 years ago and recently for my wife who died in March this year.

We have always been a nature orientated family, ever since I was a child, nature and the natural world were a major part of my life, I met my wife when she was 16 and I was 19, she was already happy with nature, pets etc etc and this must have been passed on to our children! My wife and I spent most of our working life also working together in our 3 various “businesses” these were East Anglian Topsoil and Compost Co. Drylands Nursery and lastly Worms Direct, you get the picture? We were lucky to be able to work from a 5 acre piece of land that I first rented and then acquired, out in the sticks and surrounded by nature, we eventually built our small house 6 years ago and retired 2 years ago, last business now gone, we encouraged nature to take over and there is a ton of it!

From the very beginning this place has been my sanctuary and sanity and luckily my wife joined me on this, it also developed what I can only refer to as spiritually, I don’t really know why or how it just did, as this progressed I tried to understand, slowly I realised that these feelings must be more pagan based, the problem was that there are many “branches” of paganism and virtually all had some aspects that did not resonate with me, this is not uncommon but you can be a free individual pagan that isn’t a paid up member of any particular following, I am not one to be an active member of this or that congregation, coven, meet up group or whatever, so being able to follow my own path suited me and I don’t have to participate or take part and I don’t have to accept aspects that I don’t feel comfortable with.

Dee, my wife was sympathetic to my thoughts and when our son died we tried to find a “service” that suited us as a family, we were also a bit restricted as it had to fit in with the typical crematorium “rules” ie 45 minutes, usual service format etc. we did not have experience of this, you are sort of steered in to the traditional format.
There was not much information around at the time, there was some on Pagan funerals based on being outside in some wood glade, nice idea but not practical when you are grieving, still exploring what to do and time limited, basically we used the format of the traditional humanist or even Christian service, found Pagan prayers etc and adapted it to our own thinking, the main aspects that were adopted was calling on the 4 elements at the beginning and end of the service, along with pagan prayers and poems, the cycle of life and playing music that my son liked.
Pagans (even when they don’t know they are!) often relate to a creature, in my sons case it was the wolf, he used to dream of being a wolf, so the wolf figured prominently in his service.

When my wife died, there is now a lot more information available and I was able to find a suitable services that I could adapt and personalise, the following links are:

Again, some words and phrases were changed to fit in with our own feelings and beliefs.

My wifes creature is the Hare so the hare was prominent in her funeral.
We also had friends and relatives who wanted to contribute there own words or poems

It makes little difference what your beliefs are, at the start of this journey, losing a loved one is horrible, we all know the feelings of despair, pain and disbelief and anguish, that there is no hope for the future, no light at the end of tunnel.
My beliefs, the beautiful place I live, created by myself and my wife, the belief that my wifes spirit, along with mine, have always been part of this place, that her spirit is now present within the nature that I am surrounded by and that one day my spirit will also be part of this, along with my wife and my son have been a huge comfort to me, it really saddens me to read on the forum of people who seem to have no comfort from any source, I wish I could share some.

3 Likes
35

Thank you Swift. I was reminded yesterday that I am surrounded by living memories of my John. I was not one to like conventional material gifts or cut flowers even for occassions. So John over the years bought me many a tree and shrub. They populate our previous 2 homes, and our little paradise here by the river has many a sapling that have started their journeys and are reaching their way towards the skies. My hope is that they will be a permanent fixture of “us”, provide shade, habitat for the creatures that surround us. Living on beyond either John or me. So yes, he is here, his blood is literally in the soil, his spirit in the river that flows by, and the cardinal that made an appearance whilst he was passing, and has taken up residence nearby. Thank you for the reminder that nature has always been my solace, a reminder of the cycle of life and the infinity of our spirits.

1 Like
36

Thank you Swift, I have found your words so interesting and uplifting.

37

@iamposeygirl I think you have to look for the positives, after my wifes death in March I wasn’t sure that I could do this, at first it was almost impossible to stay with so much to remind me of what I had lost, I slowly realised yes My wife was no longer with me physically but I still felt we had still got everything we had created together, I wasn’t going to miss the things we had planned to do, because we had agreed that our retirement would be as it came, (we retired late anyway) we didn’t have the need to travel, go on holidays, corny but we felt we had it all here and I am trying to continue with that, not plan the future but get through today.
I am learning to cope better but I am posting this because this afternoon has not been good,the realisation that you are on your own can over write everything and reduce you to tears yet again.

2 Likes
38

Thinking of you Swift and virtual hugs. The abyss days are really hard. The peaks and valleys. (not that there has been a peak, but level ground at this point is what I aspire to). The loneliness. Internalising the reality. You are not alone.

39

Thanks iamposeygirl, its just coming up to 5 months now, the last couple of weeks have seen the desperation lessen, my feelings have not changed but as often said you learn to cope, its almost as if where your whole head space was filled with the raw emotions and pain that accompany the grief leaving no room for anything else, 24 hours a day, have imperceptibly allowed other thoughts and thinking to reside with them, jobs that you have had to do, have had to think about are not blotted out by the pain and hurt to the same extent, however, as I found today, I was having a reasonable day, getting things done, at relative ease with my thoughts about my wife and circumstances and then quite suddenly in the afternoon, the tears arrive, its almost as if it is payback for the easier morning, maybe it is.
I do know that without my beliefs, I don’t know how I could have dealt with this.
Take care.

1 Like
40

I’m so sorry for your loss @ swift. You describe your feelings so well and sound like you had a beautiful relationship. Your posts, I’m sure, will help others like me put into words how they feel - it’s so indescribably painful sometimes. It is 6 months since I lost my partner and in some ways I feel I’m waking up to reality from the shock of his passing. This particular post describes exactly how I feel with times when I can get on with things and then out of nowhere the tears fall and the sadness and grief of knowing that he has gone. It comes in waves. Your spiritual beliefs are very interesting, thanks for sharing them - keep well and take care