Morning Olive 
Its so strange and heartbreaking when our brain does that to us, isnt it? 
As you say, we are changed forever. I was sat in mums house yesterday, with half the furniture now gone, but my brain still thought for a moment maybe, just maybe she could still walk into the room and offer me a cup of tea. Or maybe shes just sat in the other room, reading. My head knows it cant be, but part of me still hopes maybe its possible. Wishing you a peaceful day today 
1 Like
Hi I had a peaceful 8 mile walk thank you.
It must be so hard for you clearing the house but you do have all those wonderful memories there.
I am so far away its way too easy to think that all is as it was.
Hi
I’m at a loss there is something wrong with me I have noises in my head when i sleep i wake many times and with a headache, I shake and tremble with the morning light . Then the tears come, such relentless sorrow, death is natural it comes to us all we all know this.
I have no words i only have thanks that I have somewhere to say these things through our tears as I cannot say them aloud and you are there to hear me.
And now the day begins.
They used to say never start a sentence with and!
I understand, Olive. Waking to the morning light is horrible every time. And (!) even if death is natural it doesn’t make the grief easier. There is nothing wrong with you, you are in pain and you have been through a trauma that affects your whole body. Noises in your head, like tinnitus? I have that and I know how maddening it is. It can be triggered by tension and stress and you not being able to sleep is definitely stress. When you have been traumatised, your body can get stuck in fight or flight mode, unable to relax and on constant alert. It’s exhausting. Sending more hugs and strength.
It sounds horrible Olive, im sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I would tend to agree with Ulma - it sounds like it could be a build up of all the stress in your body, and even more so as you approach the first anniversary. 
I certainly wake with headaches frequently and its caused by tension being held in the muscles, so restricting the blood flow. I hope maybe as you reach the first anniversary maybe the symptoms might ease for you, but if you are concerned dont rule out visiting your GP just to rule out other possible causes. And remember that if/when you feel ready, there is support for trauma out there, you dont have to try and handle it all alone.
Hi everyone , the sun shone I walked I went to the launderette, I cleaned whilst on call for the crisis line. I have just run a bath does anyone find that when they do all the familiar things it feels the same as always but with the most important piece missing.
Oh and the flashbacks do they ever stop.?
wishing you all peace x.
Yes, absolutely. Whatever I do it feels like something essential is missing. 
Flashbacks generally ease with time, but if they are really bad, Olive, it might be good to talk to someone who can help process them (I know, I know, it’s your decision, I don’t want to pressure you ). There are mindfulness strategies that can be of use, though. Maybe that could be something to try when you get caught up in the memories?
Thinking of you today, Olive.
just that empty sadness and regret .
you have all kept me going thank you
2 Likes
I understand. Take care of yourself and message here when you can.
Mum had dementia but long before that after dad died she questioned the point of carrying on.
she was in the U3A and did her art and a day at the charity shop.
I know when she stopped these she really didn’t know what the point was.
I have to say I feel much the same, I have possibly 20 years possibly, but judging by the last 61 I’ve pretty much made a hash of it.
I try and be kind to people I give my time and a little money. I have never found life easy, I never meant to let people down, I cant end it (that moment has gone) and I cant cause the distress it brings to others.
I just cant figure it out . I cant say it to anyone.
Sorry not after sympathy, just trying to find the point and glad i have somewhere to say it.
1 Like
Im glad you feel able to share it here, Olive and it reassures me that im not alone in thinking like this Im the same, ive spent the last 18 months questioning what is the point in carrying on, searching for where do i find meaning in my life, feeling “trapped” in this world but then also feeling guilty when i know others would give anything for more time on this earth. Loss like this shakes you to your core and can cause lot of soul searching. And its exhausting 
Ive got no answers, partly because i dont think anyone really has the answer, but also because i think everyones journey is so unique and that we all have to find our own meaning/reason for carrying on. The only thing i can share from my own experience (for what its worth) is remain open and keep questioning. And depending what your beliefs are, why not ask your god/the universe/your parents to help you and guide you. If our ancestors are looking down, im pretty sure they would want us to carry on and find peace in our lives.
I hope that doesnt sound too deep olive, but i just wanted you to know you’re not alone, im asking similar questions myself everyday
2 Likes
See, now my self critical head is telling me that my post was probably way too heavy. Its just I dont get much chance to talk about this sort of stuff - i certainly wouldnt say it to my non grief friends!
1 Like
It’s good that you feel you can trust us with these thoughts. I wish I had an answer, but like you and Ally it’s a question I ask myself not just every day but several times a day and almost every time I do something. I’m younger than you and it terrifies me that I might have so many years left.
I also think it varies for everyone what kind of meaning matters and I believe it’s harder to find the path to it when circumstances in our life haven’t been the best even before the loss. We can’t pull ourselves up by the bootstraps if we don’t even have any bootstraps, so to speak. We have to give ourselves time and try not to picture the future yet. You are not alone.
2 Likes
Not too heavy at all like we say its good to be able to say it.
Hi Olive and Deborah
I hope you are well. I’m just reading your thread.
I lost my mum at the end of April last year and felt the exact feelings you felt when writing in May last year,
It’s been a year, I still feel the same way you did. I felt let down by the hospital - mum spent a week in A&E before they told me hrs before she died, that the cancer had metastasised (we had been told 3 months before it may have been cancer, but chance for things to be cleared up).
I shut off form everybody (because I don’t know about you, but nobody wanted to hear about the end and death!), got so low, and lonely, that I finally sought help through Health in Mind.
The CBT therapy has been going well (I’ve got complex PTSD as a result of the trauma, flashbacks etc), however I still cannot talk to anybody. I had to be the strong one for my dad and the family, and as a result have never wanted to burden them.
My friends all went quiet and did the whole ‘sorry for your loss’, then hid and washed their hands.
I feel so bloody lonely, apart from my weekly meeting with my CBT therapist…
How have you coped?
What have you done?
Has it got easier?
I don’t feel like there is anybody here for me, I’ve got nobody to talk to, part of me feels like I’m such screwed up idiot, and part of me sees no way of getting through this
It’d be great to hear how you are both doing.
Hi Wild I have not coped really.
I went to grief counselling to be told that I need trauma counselling which I have not been able to face yet.
I have just carried on distracting myself with commitments and coming to a stop when I don’t have any.
I don’t have anyone and yes you are right people understandably don’t want to hear about it . I think you have done the right thing and the CBT will help and it will get better.
It has just got deeper and quieter with me,
A screwed up idiot I am sure you are not, I can not face the person I am.
This is a good place and has helped me so much I feel I can "say " things that i cannot voice elsewhere.
I do feel that I can empathise with people facing death more now, I am a tenancy support worker, ironically I currently support a couple of elderly gentlemen who have terminal diagnosis’. It is a privilege to advocate for them as they have no one else, though it is tough to attend the funerals.
Keep posting much better people on here than me.
1 Like
Hi Olive
Thank you so much for getting back to me, I really appreciate the time you have taken.
I fully understand you not wanting to try the trauma counselling. I could not believe it when I was told I needed the trauma work as I thought it was just grief? Or complex grief, but it was the best thing I have done so far - please give it a go.
That is so good you are advocating - I’ve not heard of that, and have had discussions with my therapist about doing something similar for a hospice.
You have been great to listen and chat to - I only saw the first few messages you wrote last year and totally understood you - thank you for listening, and keep talking.
Alice xx
1 Like
Hi Alice,
It’s extremely traumatic going through the different stages of grief and I have found it difficult.
You are doing right when you say people stop or dont want to discuss grief. There have been several people in my life that haven’t been in touch for years and when I do see them somewhere they never mention my mum. If I speak about mum they soon change the subject. I have deleted a lot of people which has helped me.
I have struggled like everyone else on here but since joining this site it has been my lifeline. It gives me so much in terms of support and friendship. It is a place where I can talk about my mum and I genuinely believe people care and are interested in what I write. I can also moan, talk about my worries and when I feel utterly down in the dumps I know someone on here will perk me up.
I am a fan of making lists so every night I make a list for the next day. In the beginning it only had a few tasks for each day . Then it got longer as I got stronger. Now I have weekly and monthly targets. It helps keep me focussed. Tasks are so simple eg sorting a cupboard, cleaning a room, planting flowers ,going for a 5 min walk, etc.
I set up a memory table for mum as my go to place. It gave me something to do every week as I changed it weekly.
I have found that I have to focus on my own wellbeing from now on. I have neglected myself so much so that’s my aim for the future.
Start with your own wellbeing.
First start by telling yourself you are certainly not a screwed up idiot. Far from it. It’s grief making you think that.
You have made the first move to post so be proud of yourself. It takes courage to post the first time.
Checking every day on here could be one of your targets. It’s surprising how your mood will change after receiving some positive comments.
Set yourself dome daily tasks and just concentrate on getting through each day . That’s all you need to do for now.
Keep posting
Deborah x
Hi Deborah
Thank you so much for taking the time to write all that, I totally agree with you re friends - the world really is a lonely place.
I had to move back to my dads (traumatic break-up before mum died, which led to divorce during EOL, then my dream house sale just after the funeral - it’s been a busy 18 months!), and he had a beautiful photo of mum in the front room. It took me about 2 months to actually go in there as it made me so so sad. It ended up being my go-to - I would go and talk to her everyday. After 3 months I bought my own house and have now got the same photo in from front room - it’s deffo a go-to place where I can talk and tell her everything - because there is nobody to talk to or offload to. I am so glad I came on here.
I love your idea of lists and targets - I’ll get on that now, ready for tomorrow and this long bank holiday weekend.
Thanks again Deborah.
Alice