I’ve started speaking to someone, a professional. It’s slow and over Skype isn’t ideal but he seems to have pointed out things I didn’t really notice about myself. He’s suggested I may have disassociation, there’s an idea I may have Complicated Grief Disorder. But again, still slow and it’s over Skype and these things do need to be looked into further. It’s scary. I’ve looked into the signs and symptoms since hearing of it and I see it all. It’s been almost 8 months and things only feel worse.
My question is how do you really know? I hear people saying all kind of things to me, “you have this, that, PTSD etc”. How does anybody really confirm any of this? Because the last thing I want is for this to be another worry.
I just need answers. To everything. And it’s the one thing I don’t have.
Hi @Sultana, it sounds as though it is confusing to have these different diagnoses suggested to you, and you are feeling very uncertain. I’m not an expert and I can’t answer your question about how you know for sure. I do know that counselling is very often a slow process under any circumstances.
I thought you might be interested in this recent conversation where people are discussing issues such as counselling and PTSD: Trauma counselling
Dear Sultana,
I too have recently been researching Complicated Grief Disorder. like you my husband died very suddenly last November and I do believe the trauma has had a lasting and worsening effect on me. My husband collapsed while out with our 27 year old son and at the time I was staying with my 90 year old mother following the death of my father in June trying to sort out her house ready for sale.
The phone call I received from a policeman to say my husband had collapsed was the start of an ongoing nightmare which I relive every day.
My son had been able to give him my number but was too distressed to talk. I then had a three hour taxi journey to get to the hospital all the time hoping my husband would be conscious and recovering. When I arrived at 2.30 am I was met by my sons who just shook their head. I will never get that moment out of my head and I think I was forever changed. Perhaps because it was the middle of the night but we were shown very little compassion by the staff on duty. When we were shown to where my husband had been left I was shocked by how he had been left. I won’t go into detail but it is the subject of an ongoing complaint to the hospital. I cried when I saw my husband but from that moment I have not shed a single tear and that is why I have been asking about PTSD and counselling. I have watched my adult sons sob uncontrollably, family and friends break down but no tears will come. Even at John’s funeral I felt as if I weren’t really there and have no idea how I got through that day. For the first month I shook all the time, couldn’t eat or sleep but still never cried. It’s now six months and my sense of detachment hasn’t diminished. I know John has died but I still don’t believe it . I just want our lovely life back.
I think there are so many unresolved issues about how and why he died in addition to the devastation of losing him that I don’t think my brain can process it.
All my experience can do for you I am afraid is just show you that you are not alone in trying to understand the trauma of your husband’s death. I hope you find some help.
Take care
Reading your story, i can relate to so much. It was so sudden, so out of the blue. However for me it was police at the door on monday and then having to watch him leave me alone in this world on the tuesday. Everything i saw over that period of time, the feelings even certains smells have never left me. Watching it unfold in the hospital and he was just there. He didn’t know i was by his side, we couldn’t speak but he’s just there and all i can do is hold him and watch.
I saw but still i cannot accept what has happened. I don’t know what i’m supposed to do with whatever life i have left. It’s crazy, only a few years ago he actually saved my life and to then go and lose him. It doesn’t make any sense. He was strong, how is he just gone??
My partner died unexpectedly in February of a heart attack while out walking the dog. I was met by two police officers as I was leaving work to come home. Sneaked out trying not to waken him in his bed in the morning and when I came home at lunchtime he was dead in the morgue and just not here.
Today would have been his 65th birthday. I was so happy with Bob and I can’t imagine what I’m going to do with my life without him. This lockdown is hard too. My dog has been a lifesaver as I have to get up and walk her and I am trying to keep busy but it’s still tough and hard to bear. I just keep telling myself that time will help and I hope that it will.
Hi Broken, I totally understand how you are feeling as your story mirrors mine .My Husband took a sudden heart attack at 67, we were looking forward to retirement and had so many plans which I am sure you also did. I too have a dog who is my reason for getting out my bed in the morning. It is still very early days for you and you will still be in shock and disbelief. It will get a bit easier in time, it’s been 5 months for me. You are doing the right thing keeping busy and trying to fill the days, as you say this lockdown does not help as you can’t see your family or friends. Keep posting on here there is a lot of support from lovely people who will listen and we all understand as we are all going through the same.
Big hug
V xx
I know how you feel a bit I can’t figure out what to do with my life now , don’t know where to start , where to live … finances , on and on. I would say keep up with the counsellor if they are helping you but give yourself time. It’s gonna take us a long time to come to terms with things and you will deal with it in the way you can. Never think I should be doing this or that … you deal with it how you can and that’s all you can do
Dear Broken, I am so sorry to hear about the sudden death of your partner - he was the same age as my husband who died suddenly in November and it made me shudder when you described the policemen waiting for you. as Mrs Colt has said it is so recent that you won’t possibly be able to make decisions about the future. The shock of sudden death is impossible to describe or imagine unless it has been experienced and the physical effects of shock as well as the emotional overload are vastly underestimated. Add to that all the admin that follows and it truly is the stuff of nightmares. It is on this site that I have found genuine empathy and I hope you will too. Take care.
Yeah I’ve found reading of others gone through this on this site is really helpful I just can’t open up to friends or family. On here you know there is understanding. You have to go through it to know how tough it is. So many on here with same raw pain and feeling of it being unreal… lockdown just emphasises how unreal life is right now. Day at a time and hope for better days ahead.