My mum died Oct last year and less than 6 months later Dad is in a relationship with the Ukrainian refugee I helped move in when was alive. I really want him to be happy and she is a nice person but I can’t cope with hearing about it or seeing them. I live next door as I helped care for my mum for many years as she had Parkinsons. I feel like I’m losing dad because I can’t bear to hear about the relationship which he is so happy about. It was our family home and I feel like we have been replaced by this woman and her daughter and grandchild. I don’t want to lose my dad but feel I need to protect myself as it hurts so much. It seems that I am not alone so thanks all for sharing. Any advice on how I can protect myself and not lose my dad would be gratefully received .
There really is a lot of us about. Thank you everyone for sharing. I really can’t cope with dad and mums best friend now, they have been a massive distraction of grieving my beautiful mum since last Feb, they got together within 2 weeks of mum passing, flew to mum’s favorite hotel, lied to us about going, I searched my dads phone as his lies and sneakiness were driving our family insane, found out more than I should but we all had our suspicions. She moved into my family home months ago, as her children need to live in her home, they’re now renovating my family home, where my mum passed away, I’ve known this woman all my life, she came to my child’s christening, she came with another man to my sisters wedding, she has no money and my dad works very hard, my dad doesn’t care we’ve lost our Mum, as it’s all about him losing our Mum, yet he doesn’t understand it’s the fact he’s with our mum’s best friend which is so insulting and disrespectful, he wanted to move house but is now staying in our local village for another 3 years, I cross paths with her children (who I went to school with) quite often and it’s all too much. I just pray and wish they would vanish, going on holidays to where we went with mum. I pray that karma is a real thing and likes to be served cold as I can’t live with the suffering while they have such a “nice” life. Dad has dumped all of my mum’s family, he’s met his new granddaughter 3 times. He’s not the man we knew. We really tried to be there for him, but it wasn’t enough, and now she will fleece him dry and good luck to him. Her daughters are awful and so bold as brass, going into my family home, with their children.
Fully understand. Years ago my lovely fstherinlaw died unexpectedly at 53, then my mum died aged 54 the following year, within a very few months the two left started courting, it caused so much trouble as my MIL became my stepmother so to speak. Both me and my husband were both excluded from all family gatherings to make the new relationship develop, nothing was ever the same.
This is horrendous I’m so sorry for you and your Husband. When I sought family counseling. He said to my dad (who is with my mum’s best friend) that in some cultures, this wouldn’t be accepted. I can imagine your situation would be the same.
I got the blame for not accepting her being with my dad but I already had her in my life and knew what she was like, eventually she changed her will and left my husband out, we didn’t have to say thank you for anything
That’s honestly horrendous. People are so cruel! We sought some legal advice and want to sit down with my dad to get a couple of things clear, as this woman knows loop holes from when she missed out on her father in laws will in the past. She’s only with my dad for his money, but he doesn’t care, she was with someone else when my mum passed away but soon got rid of him when my dad was available. It’s all got very toxic again today, my dads said that nothing’s changing unless she walks out, and sadly she won’t be going anywhere. Worse yet, her daughters give us trouble, and they are missing the fact that we are very much suffering in thick grief from loosing our beautiful mum still.
Hi. Speaking for myself I could not contemplate dating so early in my head is saying no because do you want to put yourself through grief again. I no that’s selfish thinking. I don’t agree with your dad dating so early but we are all different are we not. Take care 
I understand and that makes sense, sorry for your loss David.
My dad moves very fast so we did expect him to move on quickly, our issue is who it’s with (my mum’s best friend) and even the therapist said, this isn’t accepted in many cultures.
Take care x
Hi, time has passed since you wrote this. But i am in a similar situation and dont know what to do. I feel my dad needs this woman as a coping strategy. She lives in a rented studio flat without any savings (she is escaping an abusive relationship apparently, but some of the facts just dont add up) and just happens to meet my dad who is also vulnerable, wealthy and significantly older.
I requested that he toned down how much he talks about her, and his desire for my kids to share their hobby with her and things just blew up. He forced me into a situation of meeting her. I had declined meeting her, as i didnt feel the need or desire so soon after my mum died (16m), they only shared their feelings 4 weeks previous. And then they went on holiday together (dad paying ofcourse) he dismissed my grief as im not hurting as much as him because i still have my husband. But i feel like i dont recognise him anymore. He has a happy fake exterior when i saw them together. I feel like im losing my dad too. He wont talk about our happy memories growing up. I cant just turn up at my parents home for fear of her being there. Judith
Hi there. You are in some predicament and not knowing which way to turn. Do you think she is a gold digger? It must be tugging at your heart strings. It’s going to get to the stage where you feel you are going to explode. I hope your dad does not get taken to the cleaners because the pain he will feel if and when he finds out what her game is. As for your self and the grief you’re feeling you father should come back down to earth as your family and his daughter. He could end up with loosing you both just through obsession. I really hope the outcome will be on your side. My heart goes out to you. Dave
Hi Judith,
I’m so sorry you have also lost your Mum. Gosh we do have similar situations. Yes your dad will be wanting to have someone at home for when he finishes work, who has the lights on, so it’s not extra cold, dark and lonely and I understand this but It’s really hard when you know this someone should be someone who deserves your dad. He should be respecting your wishes of toning down how often he mentions her, they just dont get it. My dad is still with my mum’s best friend, he has no intention of ending it with her, it would only be from her side. I have to hold on to that even though they are older than us, they will still make mistakes, and this is one huge mistake ! We have to let them make their mistakes and hope that it’s not too late for them to realise one day. I have found keeping distance from my dad is the only thing that has stopped me from having nightmares about them both, as I can’t cope with the life they are living considering he lost his wife, and she lost her best friend last year. It’s horrible how they dismiss our grief. Same here my dad never mentions Mums name, he is also not himself and puts on this fake demeanor. He looks really sad and has to have monthly holidays to escape reality. My dad would say, would you rather I get with someone who’s 20 yrs younger than me. I do want him to be happy, but he deserves more than who this Judas that he is with. But if your dad’s “friend” Is already with someone, that does sound complicated, and it will all get found out in the end. Our dads are very similar in the way that they can’t deal with grief, instead they have to brush the past under the carpet, and impulse react. My dad says he’s only 62 and got so much life to live, but he isn’t aware of how much hurt he is causing to my mum’s family, and to my sister and I. He’s missing out on new grandchildren. But it seems holidays are his priority. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you have to keep talking and venting, I keep looking up and saying … Mum! Do something! … We really don’t deserve any of this.
She is 62 and works part time. Im not sure whether she is a gold digger, i have only met her briefly. My dad is retired as he is 75 with health issues. Which he seems to be overcoming. I have always been a devoted daughter. Cooking him meals when he struggled with his health, cutting his lawn, ironing, cleaning, generally looking after him when things were tough. (He is a very capable man, just was overwhelmed). Now, he is well enough to help her out, rip her carpets up and move her furniture etc. I like that he isnt stuck at home and in a rut, but why does he need to jump in feet first, head over heels, so soon. He was a devoted husband and father for 53 years. Does none of thst mean anything?
Its a weird dynamic,
The ‘friend’ has left her long term partner. Straight into a situation with my dad. The ex was allegedly abusive and the police are involved. But yes, it is complicated. My dad doesnt need or deserve some guy knocking on his door. He 75! What the hell is he thinking? Hes not!
My dad did mention my mum in front of his friend, and the friend looked really awkward and uncomfortable.
I dont feel i can discuss this in real life as i am embarrassed of his behaviour. I used to hold my dad so high with pride, but now i dont recognise him. Its too soon! I feel in some ways he is being unfaithful¿ i know he is missing my mum. But is rushing because he is 75 and doesnt have long left to live.
I invite him all the time to watch my kids do their hobbies, but always had an excuse linked to his health. Now i know thats bull! Hes well enough to stay up all night drinking champagne playing games with her and her grown up children.
Circumstances have made me independent and i rarely asked for baby sitters. But, i take my kids when i visit, so they have a good relationship. He tells me how proud he is of me, proud of how i am raising my kids, proud of my achievements.
The dynamics are definitely shifting and i dont like it. Something good that is coming out of this, i am closer to my grownup siblings as they share the same view.
And breath…
Thanks for listening.
Hi I have been reading through all your posts and how things have happened seem pretty grim. However I am at the other end of this, I am dating a widower, and have been for 11 months. Its coming upto a year of his wife’s passing. We started our relationship just 3 weeks after she passed. She had dementia for 2 years before she passed away. He was the sole carer for her until she came into my care home. I looked after his wife for 7 months in my care home, all staff got very close to him as he visited every single day. When She passed away we stayed intouch and things went from there. His son does know hes dating me and we briefly met at the beginning but haven’t met since. I have met his dad a few weeks ago. He is very aware of how this may affect his family as it was soon after his wife passing that he started a new relationship. He said he doesn’t want to announce or introduce me to everyone until a year has passed. We are very much in a proper relationship seeing eachother everyday/night doing normal things that couples do and hes also a massive part of mine and my families life, just not the other way round yet. It is difficult at times but i have to respect him and his family, and in time and with a lot of patience im sure things will work out. He loved his wife very much and still does, and I respect that, they lived a full life together, I am not replacing her nor would I want him to forget her, we do speak about their life together, we are very open with eachother about everything, he is still grieving and im here for him, he speaks to me when hes having a not so good day, all of this has brought us together