I am 56 and lost my wonderful husband 6 weeks ago. He had been unwell but his death was totally unexpected. He was Italian, and I left his side for just an hour whilst he had a siesta. This was a usual routine.
When I returned from the lounge to our bedroom an hour later it was clear he was dying. I am totally guilt riddled that I left him / that I didn’t go back in time to save him / that he may have been aware and afraid and alone. The guilt is killing me. The pictures and sounds haunt me. I know that some of the thoughts running through my mind are ridiculous - but I can’t shake them.
I talk to a very small number of friends about some of my feelings. But I don’t want to overwhelm them. There is little they can actually do. This is my grief and pain and my battle to define my future.
I need to know if anyone found benefit in talking to a professional counsellor / therapist / psychiatrist - not sure which term is most appropriate.
I have been talking to a therapist since week 1 of my loss. There were things I wanted to say out loud but didn’t want to hurt family and friends grieving too. Sunday will be 8wks since he died. I definitely feel counselling helps. I would recommend it . Ali
You have my deepest sympathy, I certainly know the guilt you speak of my wife lay dying in bed whilst I was playing a game online in another room, I walked in to see if she was awake and wanted a tea and caught her take her last breath, I tried cpr and failed… You stuck with the what if constantly and what you could have done differently.
I have to live knowing how her life came to an end and I wasn’t there… I tried counselling and for me it didn’t work at all but that’s not to say it won’t for everyone. I think deep down only we can pull through the grief the guilt the dark abyss and find the way out ourselves, it just takes time.
Being on this site definitely helped me more as unlike most therapist that may have studied there field of expertise but have never actually lost someone, on here we’re all united in grief and I believe talking to each other sharing helpful advice and tips together we stand a better chance of finding some form of peace.
Best of luck to you though I hope you are able to find some kind of peace.
The guilt we both share is overwhelming isn’t it? The trauma of finding someone and initiating CPR is cruel beyond words.
Don’t know how I will ever get past it. I have 35 years NHS clinical experience at a senior level - but none of my advanced medical skills enabled me to save my husband. My guilt is about the hour I left him alone. My head tells me it is irrational. My heart is a different matter.
I am not entirely comfortable with public online groups but I have found a strange sense of help here.
Hi. I suffered from ptsd, and realised that this is very similar to grief , because they are both caused by thoughts hammering around in my head without being able to rationalize them and make them go away.
I used a hypnotherapist who “,rewired” my brain and allowed me to sort out and put away all these thoughts
Its been a HUGE help in getting me through my grief (and ptsd. If you need to know more, feel free to ask me.
Thank you. My mind is full of painful memories and unwelcome thoughts. Many are very negative and add to my sense of hopelessness. At this hour of the night they are powerful and unhealthy intrusions.
I am overwhelmed and know I need help. But keep getting told - too soon for counselling - time will heal - pain will subside !!!
Hi again @Angelalouisa . Time will certainly heal it and the pain will subside, but its better to help it along quicker and permanent. Hypnotherapy isnt counselling though. For me it was most effective when times were at their darkest and my mind was in turmoil
Its therapy, not counselling
I’m finding having counselling is helping me.
He always waits for me to start things off. He doesn’t tell me what I should do, he kind of guides me towards how to work things out for myself.
Talking on here helps a lot too.
From people’s remarks it’s clear that counselling works for some and not others, to be fair, this may well have more to do with the counsellor than the ‘patient’.
If it’s a route that one chooses to pursue, I think it’s important to accept early on whether this particular counsellor works for you. If you feel not, it’s better to move on and try another.
If life is too short to persevere with a poorly written book, then it’s doubly true of counselling.
Im waiting for counselling to come through … its so hard isnt it ! My family are totally useless ! Ive had enough ! They just dont want to talk about it ! Its pathetic ! How can you just carry on and not talk about it … its unhealthy for a start and so cruel when he was my husband and my whole life
Yes 8ve jeard prople ssy that can be too soon and its true that pain does subside as weeks go by … but coubselloe i i spoke to said i probably needed counselling cos ive got such a rubbish family who just dont want to talk about it ! Its pathetic !!! I cant not talk about it cos its affected my whole life ! Cos he was my life
I had therepy all through my wife’s illness and have continued with it since she passed in September. IT IS INVALUABLE! It’s a safe place to cry, rant, and whatever you need to do.
BUT…… the need to find the right councellor/ therapist is really important.
I’ve also been to some bereavement sessions which have been helpful.
Be kind to yourself - this journey that we are on is so so hard.
How do you know who’s good? I have tried searching but there are so many and such different qualifications . I know I am in a very dark place and on a downward spiral. I have insight enough to know I need help but don’t know where to start looking.
In short you don’t until you’ve spoken with them. The first one I tried didn’t work for me. I need to my therapist to engage with me, and i needed to feel confortable with them. Try looking for someone through here. https://www.bacp.co.uk/
You’ll know when it works. You’ll feel safe with them.
If it is of any consolation, having researched a lot about the last stages of life before my lovely husband passed away, apparently it is not unusual for those in the last stages of life to choose the time when they pass over so will often wait for someone to leave the room, so they can spare their loved one the pain of seeing them go. Please do not feel guilty as he would have known how much you loved him and I am sure he was not afraid. My very best wishes go out to you.
Yeh they say its almost like they are getting permission to pass over … dont be distressed he wouldve known u loved him ! We always wish afterwards we had said / done more ! I do too … xxx
@jac2 I also had a couple of conversations with health professionals who confirmed that this happens (it happened to me with my partner when she passed). What was important to me was that she passed away peacefully at home on her own terms rather than me being there at the moment of death. The paramedic who called to confirm her death said that she had often seen families experience this. Guilt is something that can eat away at you if left unchecked.
