Husband lost both his parents within 2 years, he was close to them both and it has broken him…though he doesn’t talk about howhe feels. I ask, but he just says how do i think he feels…which i understand as its a silly question but iam just trying to show support. But i dont really know how to do this when he doesnt talk to me or anyone.
Our marriage was having some problems before he lost his parebts but now it feels like he is just tollerating me as he cant be doing with anymore stress…though flies off the handle at me for any small thing… he wont do anything around the house or go out with the children… just spends weekends just watching t.v and drinking…i understand he needs time to relax and decompress his feelings. Do i just let him get on with it…but feel like iam.not supporting him.if i do that. Also he chucks it back in my face if i dont support him…and generally everythi g i do annoys him. We end up arguing wich is not what i want to happen. Do i just have to put up with it until he decides hes has enough and has the courage and strength to leave…as thats what i feel he is waiting to do.
Hi Sandra,
I’ve just lost my parents in a very short space of time (9 weeks between them - dad just 2 weeks ago - total shocker).
I’m upside down and don’t know how my husband can help me. I’ve had every thought and am in a dark place It’s gut wrenchingly awful and grief is such an insepid thing.
He is hurting. However, it’s not fair to treat you poorly for a prolonged period when you’re trying to support him. It sounds like he needs an outlet some how. Could he use his employer assistant program to help, contact Cruise, start a journal, or speak to the doctor? Or could you adjust the language a bit by saying - ‘share how you’re feeling’ or ‘give it on a scale’? I find people asking if I’m okay an impossible question. But if you ask better or worse than yesterday I can answer that.
How about a family way to remember them? Special place, memory box, letters?
Cruise have a helpline. Maybe speak to them about how to support a partner.
Good luck. Roberta x
Iam so sorry for your loss, it’s totally understable to be in a dark place right now.
Thank you for replying.
I think the problem is the feeling of nothing or nobody can help, then people asking if your ok is an impossible question but its more about checking in on that person to show you care. I take your advice about the wording.
Thank you.
Hi Sandra,
Thanks for your condolamces. It’s really difficult being a partner to someone grieving. That fact you are checking im will mean a lot. I’m not sure if your partner is a words man. Could you buy him a book or poetry to show you care? I bought my brother ‘Loss’ by Donna Ashworth when dad passed and he appreciated the gesture.
Good luck. Maybe others on here have advice.
Until I lost someone I didn’t realise the things I was saying to people didn’t help them. Maybe try ‘do you need a hug’.
Thinking of you both.
Hi Sandra,
Sue Ryder are currently running a campaign about how to help people who are grieving. See more here:
For me, it’s people knowing, recognising and appreciating how difficult things are for me at the moment, and telling me that they are here for me. 