You are so right, I just need to go through my own grieving process now and come out the other side stronger. My friends are saying his grief is no reason to treat me badly.
I am going to learn to love myself for who I am alone before I can even think about entering another relationship.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. xx
Thank you for sharing this.
I am I guess on the other side of this conversation. I often feel like my loss has affected me so much that i am unintentionally neglecting my partner in many ways. Sometimes i cant talk to him even tho he can see something is wrong because i dont want to sound like a broken record. Other times i choose quantity time with my friends as a distaction even tho he says he doesnt mind it.
I guess I do also push him away at times, because it can be very difficult to compmertalise all of the responsibilities we have and tasks that are necessary to be carried out after a loss.
My suggestion is to be open, as much as you can, even if it may be a bit raw. If space if what he requires, perhaps thats just what he needs. There is no harm in checking in on one another, and letting him know you care.
I hope it all works out for you. I know youll be going through a tough time yourself, but perhaps what they say is true, absence can make the heart grow fonder. Dont forget that as much as you want to be there for him, you also have to look after yourself.
Sending you strenght and patience. 
Hi Liga
Thank you for your reply. It was quite upsetting because in the last conversation he seems to highlight aspects of me that he cannot cope with which made me feel like I was a bad person. He told me Im emotionally demanding, talk about my problems too much and my job which which he doesn’t want to hear about. Whether that was the grief talking or not it made me feel really horrible.
He made it clear that he doesn’t want me to wait around for him but ended the phone call with chat again soon. I know he’s grieving but there’s also a part of me that thinks in the future when things get tough is he going to do this again, so i will have to go no contact until I am in a healthier place. I have lost a lot of weight and feel very low, so i need to focus on me now as you have said.
Thank you
SB25
I am butting in sorry but I ruined years of my life with the wrong man, and I hate to see anyone do this to themselves.
this nice person who replied I think was perhaps not as adamant about being apart.
your man seems to be being much “meaner.” I would be so careful. Being neglected was so damaging to me and addicted me even more.
Hi Berit.
Its ok, I wont be rekindling my relationship with this man. Grief or no grief if this is how he treats someone he loves I’d hate to be his enemy. I am growing stronger with each day. The mist is clearing. There were lots of red flags before his mother passed of which I ignored. Now Im out of the relationship I realise that I stayed in it for the sake of feeling wanted and loved by someone.
My plan now is to focus on myself without being in a relationship. Get to know me, make myself stronger so that I no longer fear being alone. When I feel happy in my own skin no matter how long that takes, then and only then will I be ready perhaps to start dating and hopefully with my new found confidence I will attract the right kind of man.
Many thanks
SB25
I’m going through this now and it’s the absolute worst… He used to tell me all the time how he couldn’t wait to marry me, how he wanted kids and a house and saw his whole future with me. Now he is completely underwater with the grief of his mum passing away. Any sort of emotional strain or effort (which there always will be in a relationship) he just shuts down and says ‘‘I can’t do this’’… He ended the relationship with me because he said I deserve better, and I know I do, but I really believed in us, I still do… He says he doesn’t want kids anymore and like someone said about the jigsaw pieces not fitting in the brain, he really feels that. He says nothing is clear anymore, he doesn’t know what he wants in life… I am broken. I also struggle with anxiety and I’m losing weight too. Sometimes if I’m distracted around friends or family I can eat but after a while I feel really sick. I just hate this feeling, I feel like I’m being pulled into his grief because now I have to grieve him. His mum wouldn’t of wanted any of this. I wish she could talk to him, but she can’t. I wish I could take his pain away, but I can’t. I feel completely helpless… He has started therapy and has done 2 sessions so far but I know it’s going to take him a long time to deal with everything because he was already not in a great place before she passed away, very confused about what he wanted with his career last year already, but since she passed, it’s all just completely dark in his head…
I’m talking to him on Monday, as the conversation where he said he wants to break up happened over the phone, whilst I was giving him some space after saying he needed therapy and that he didn’t want kids/marriage/a house anymore…
Honestly feel like this is the worst way 2 people can end a relationship. There is no clarity, you don’t know whether to hold on or let go, you want to be there for them but at the same time respect their wishes. I feel like I’m just a burden for him now, but I fear he is pushing me away to trick his mind into thinking he feels better. Now he has no one to hold him accountable for anything or trigger anything… I don’t know… God it’s a mess.
My now ex is also bringing up things we have had issues with in the past and past problems, I feel like he’s trying to justify to himself that pushing me away is the right thing to do…
when my father died, I completely shut down. I would not even talk at work. people knew to leave me alone. I did not talk at work for months. I did my work and left. I cut some people off. I changed utterly. I hated the world. I understand how he feels. I would be in such a rage I would not want those things either. what kids what house what woman! what a burden to have to consider those things at a time like this. this is how he may feel. he is probably very resentful. I would leave him be.
There’s a balance to this stuff SB. Grief can be all consuming. We have to try and own it as opposed to it owning us as far as possible
As far as your partner goes I find it all a bit self indulgent. I have a simliar experience with my partners brother who when she passed went into a deep dive and hasn’t come out of it.
Yes we all deal with it in different ways but to externalise it , by that I mean push your pain on others, is unforgivable. It’s selfish especially after a long period of time.
I do feel for your loss of your relationship. I feel you did your best .For him to gaslight you on it says everything. about him not you.
I wish you all the best in your future relationships x
Hello everyone,
This is the First time Im writing in places like this but i want to share my story and I hope for some gentle advice from you. I was in a relationship of 4 years- long distance but managable. Ive met him after the loss of his father after two months , we met online and nobody could have known that it would be serious in the end. We saw each other a couple of times were chatting every day and even singing together and he started getting better after more than half a year after but then- by accident after a random checkup he found out his child had cancer… the child was little… through all the process of battling the rare and agressive form the child had i was there , i was the only person he would open up to even a little, he puls t speak to his family, he was always very introverted. We have been physically distant for a long time during the fight for the child s life because i never wanted to be a burden if there is any emergency or something , i didnt want to be an obsticle. I always tried to be the best support i could in every form and way. The child talked to me and to my kids ocasionally and we played online some games together, kids exchanged numbers and were sending each other stickers- they werent speaking the same language… anyway, he decided that i have to come to meet the child, the child wanted it, he wanted it and i did from all my heart. Unfortunatelly the child died a few weeks later , i was there and i was present through every step, every phase, did all i could to be on his side, by overwhelming he always withdraw but then came back and the reason why was always that i have kids and he lost his… but we always found our way to overcome it… now like times before he had the same mechanism and same reasons and said he is a ti velt choosing head over heart and is totally numb to anything… when i was with him he always told me- stay, i don’t want you to leave, you are my person, you are everything i have, one day ill buy you the most beautiful ring… now he ended it over phone then blocking me, unblocking me and sending explanations how he is saving me and my kids and so on… since then i tried to stay present sending him blessings, or talk to him but i get a short and harsh message like - find another man… I always saw that he has an inner conflict that one side wants to continue a life and the other wants to die to be with his child… idk what to do… i don’t want him to feel abandoned, i pray for him every day and wish him only good…and hope that one day he will heal as far as he can- or better say- find a way to carry the void and that one day i can hug him again
Hi <3
It’s been a year since everything with my ex. We stayed in contact off and on and despite how he just threw me away I was still there for him making sure he was ok and would be there listening to him speak about his mother and mental health etc. A few months ago I was checking in as a friend and he said he’d started dating someone but that it was very fresh but he felt uncomfortable talking to me. I ended up deleting his number and thought to myself, wow, after everything he’s so quick to just throw me away. Apparently he isn’t even seeing anyone right now so whatever he had with this other girl was very short term. I don’t have a way of contacting him now apart from email but I’ve promised self to never reach out again unless he reaches out first.
I will say, from keeping in touch a little bit with my ex over the year, nothing got better for him after breaking up with me and leaving his job and moving to the other side of the world. If anything it got worse, he told me he went through an all time low and eventually moved back with his dad… still having no real idea of what he wants to do with his life and constantly chasing some fantasy of “happiness”… I realized there is so much deeper work he has to do with himself. And that takes a very long time…
I still miss him, more than a year later, I’m still holding on to what we had, and part of me still loves him deeply. Part of me is also really angry with him still, for not realizing how good we had it and the potential we had at a really happy life together.
My advice for you would be to take a step back… Everyone is different so it’s hard to give proper advice but, if he’s anything like my ex, you’ll look back in a year wishing you hadn’t given him so much of your energy and wishing you would have tried to let go sooner and focus on yourself. It is extremely hard though… if my ex reached out I would still be there for him… it just sucks. It sucks when you love someone so deeply and they are unable to let that love in and give it back…