You are so right, I just need to go through my own grieving process now and come out the other side stronger. My friends are saying his grief is no reason to treat me badly.
I am going to learn to love myself for who I am alone before I can even think about entering another relationship.
Thank you for your words of wisdom. xx
Thank you for sharing this.
I am I guess on the other side of this conversation. I often feel like my loss has affected me so much that i am unintentionally neglecting my partner in many ways. Sometimes i cant talk to him even tho he can see something is wrong because i dont want to sound like a broken record. Other times i choose quantity time with my friends as a distaction even tho he says he doesnt mind it.
I guess I do also push him away at times, because it can be very difficult to compmertalise all of the responsibilities we have and tasks that are necessary to be carried out after a loss.
My suggestion is to be open, as much as you can, even if it may be a bit raw. If space if what he requires, perhaps thats just what he needs. There is no harm in checking in on one another, and letting him know you care.
I hope it all works out for you. I know youll be going through a tough time yourself, but perhaps what they say is true, absence can make the heart grow fonder. Dont forget that as much as you want to be there for him, you also have to look after yourself.
Sending you strenght and patience. 
Hi Liga
Thank you for your reply. It was quite upsetting because in the last conversation he seems to highlight aspects of me that he cannot cope with which made me feel like I was a bad person. He told me Im emotionally demanding, talk about my problems too much and my job which which he doesn’t want to hear about. Whether that was the grief talking or not it made me feel really horrible.
He made it clear that he doesn’t want me to wait around for him but ended the phone call with chat again soon. I know he’s grieving but there’s also a part of me that thinks in the future when things get tough is he going to do this again, so i will have to go no contact until I am in a healthier place. I have lost a lot of weight and feel very low, so i need to focus on me now as you have said.
Thank you
SB25
I am butting in sorry but I ruined years of my life with the wrong man, and I hate to see anyone do this to themselves.
this nice person who replied I think was perhaps not as adamant about being apart.
your man seems to be being much “meaner.” I would be so careful. Being neglected was so damaging to me and addicted me even more.
Hi Berit.
Its ok, I wont be rekindling my relationship with this man. Grief or no grief if this is how he treats someone he loves I’d hate to be his enemy. I am growing stronger with each day. The mist is clearing. There were lots of red flags before his mother passed of which I ignored. Now Im out of the relationship I realise that I stayed in it for the sake of feeling wanted and loved by someone.
My plan now is to focus on myself without being in a relationship. Get to know me, make myself stronger so that I no longer fear being alone. When I feel happy in my own skin no matter how long that takes, then and only then will I be ready perhaps to start dating and hopefully with my new found confidence I will attract the right kind of man.
Many thanks
SB25
I’m going through this now and it’s the absolute worst… He used to tell me all the time how he couldn’t wait to marry me, how he wanted kids and a house and saw his whole future with me. Now he is completely underwater with the grief of his mum passing away. Any sort of emotional strain or effort (which there always will be in a relationship) he just shuts down and says ‘‘I can’t do this’’… He ended the relationship with me because he said I deserve better, and I know I do, but I really believed in us, I still do… He says he doesn’t want kids anymore and like someone said about the jigsaw pieces not fitting in the brain, he really feels that. He says nothing is clear anymore, he doesn’t know what he wants in life… I am broken. I also struggle with anxiety and I’m losing weight too. Sometimes if I’m distracted around friends or family I can eat but after a while I feel really sick. I just hate this feeling, I feel like I’m being pulled into his grief because now I have to grieve him. His mum wouldn’t of wanted any of this. I wish she could talk to him, but she can’t. I wish I could take his pain away, but I can’t. I feel completely helpless… He has started therapy and has done 2 sessions so far but I know it’s going to take him a long time to deal with everything because he was already not in a great place before she passed away, very confused about what he wanted with his career last year already, but since she passed, it’s all just completely dark in his head…
I’m talking to him on Monday, as the conversation where he said he wants to break up happened over the phone, whilst I was giving him some space after saying he needed therapy and that he didn’t want kids/marriage/a house anymore…
Honestly feel like this is the worst way 2 people can end a relationship. There is no clarity, you don’t know whether to hold on or let go, you want to be there for them but at the same time respect their wishes. I feel like I’m just a burden for him now, but I fear he is pushing me away to trick his mind into thinking he feels better. Now he has no one to hold him accountable for anything or trigger anything… I don’t know… God it’s a mess.
My now ex is also bringing up things we have had issues with in the past and past problems, I feel like he’s trying to justify to himself that pushing me away is the right thing to do…
when my father died, I completely shut down. I would not even talk at work. people knew to leave me alone. I did not talk at work for months. I did my work and left. I cut some people off. I changed utterly. I hated the world. I understand how he feels. I would be in such a rage I would not want those things either. what kids what house what woman! what a burden to have to consider those things at a time like this. this is how he may feel. he is probably very resentful. I would leave him be.
There’s a balance to this stuff SB. Grief can be all consuming. We have to try and own it as opposed to it owning us as far as possible
As far as your partner goes I find it all a bit self indulgent. I have a simliar experience with my partners brother who when she passed went into a deep dive and hasn’t come out of it.
Yes we all deal with it in different ways but to externalise it , by that I mean push your pain on others, is unforgivable. It’s selfish especially after a long period of time.
I do feel for your loss of your relationship. I feel you did your best .For him to gaslight you on it says everything. about him not you.
I wish you all the best in your future relationships x