Handling tactless comments

I won’t write any this year. Maybe next. Maybe never. How do I know ?

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Hi there.
You are so right, each person’s loss is their own personal loss and non of us have a clue how it’s going to affect us. In an ideal world we should be able to come to terms with our grief and pick up the pieces of our life but it doesn’t work like that does it.

Hello Angiejo
Your poor dad, what a thing to say. Some of these medical people have no idea do they.
My daughter went for a scan when expecting her second child. They informed her that the baby had died and even though my daughter was in tears, the young female Doctor said to her. “It’s not as if it was planned so it doesn’t really matter”. I went for that doctor bigtime and gave her a good telling.off.

Hi Pattidot.Good for you! What a horrible attitude some of them have. Even when Ron was in hospital this horrible doctor told me straight out that he would die and he was not going to resuscitate. The doctor was so blunt. Never offered me a drink or anything but expected me to go back to the ward and tell that news to my husband. It was horrible. Then a nurse told him when she was alone with Ron and he phoned me crying. I had never heard him cry before. When I asked the nurse about it later she told me that Ron was confused. I know people have respect for the health service during covid but why can they not give that same respect to people with other serious illnesses. I wish now that I had complained but I didn’t have the strength.

Jane2 I totally understand how you must be feeling but it’s not always the verbal comments that seem harsh. I have a work colleague who lost her husband two years ago , three weeks after loosing my husband this colleague sent me pictures of her new man in her life kissing and having fun , I don’t begrudge her happiness at all but after just three weeks of loosing my rock I didn’t want to see them and my daughter in law said they were insensitive

At the wake a friend hugged me and asked me if my husband had made his peace with God before he passed. I was totally stunned and did not reply but the expression on my face must have said it all. I later sent her a message to tell her how insensitive she had been. There was an exchange where she said she’d realised she’d upset me, but no apology and she was actually upset at me messaging her.

It probably prepared me for more insensitive comments, but really all I’ve had is friends really understanding how I must feel, they knew what I had lost and when I was struggling. They know when to give me those few minutes for a wobble to pass. Even now, nearly 3 years on :blue_heart:

Of course you get people who ask politely “Are you okay”, it’s actually a common greeting in the North East, to which I just reply I’m fine thank you. They wouldn’t really want to know and actually I don’t want them to. If they looked closer, they just might see it in my eyes :confused:

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Kazzer, what a terribly insensitive gesture. It continues to amaze me how clueless some people are. And three weeks into your grief! It seems some people can only think of themselves. Did you ever speak to her about it?That was part of my original post–what do you do when something like that happens. I am usually too stunned, shocked and hurt to respond. But then I stew and cry about it and carry the hurt, while the other person feels just fine. That doesn’t seem right. Do you call them out, or take the high road–ignore it and then suffer alone. I just wish I had some comebacks prepared. Or maybe just ignoring is the best thing. I’m just not sure. This is just such a painful situation to be in all around. I miss my dear husband so much and really nothing can take that pain away. But some people can be comforting and others just the opposite. I feel like a walking wound most of the time. Thank you so much for your reply to my post Kazzer, it is helpful to share these feelings and stories and advice with people who understand. This grief journey is one I wish none of us was on
Best wishes to you@kazzer and sending a virtual hug

Thank you for sharing that, Stargazer. You told your friend how her comment made you feel and you gave her the opportunity to apologize to you. That she didn’t give you one says a lot. I realize that sometimes people are awkward and uncomfortable around death and grief. This can make us stammer out silly things–i know I have probably done this myself in the past. I cut these people a good deal of slack. I can understand. And like you, most of my friends have been extremely supportive and kind. And it does help so much; however, there have been the random comments that leave me at a loss for what to say or do. I guess it is a question of who it is, how important they are in my life and how much energy I can afford to expend on them. I wish I could always be and feel this centered in the face of harsh comments or acts! I am only 9 months into this hard grief journey and am still quite raw. Thank you for the reminder to keep in mind the many wonderful, kind people who are in my life. The others can walk on by. Best wishes and hoping this new year is a better one for all of us. Jane2

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Jane2 I didn’t speak to my colleague about it , I suppose it helps the fact that I don’t work with her anymore and she has never text me or contacted me since loosing Rob.
After Robs passing I was left to manage his estate and I contacted various companies to cancel accounts etc and this one guy said can I speak to your husband ( after I had explained he had passed away) so I said “ well no you can’t “ to which he replied “ oh is he not there” so I said no I haven’t collected his ashes from the crematorium yet that remark stunned him I can tell you. I put in a complaint to the company and heard nothing back .

@Kazzer There’s a person with a real flair for his work—not! Good for you for giving him a jolt!!

My husband was so good with quick comebacks. I usually think of what I should have said several months later. It was one of the many reasons we were so good together. I miss him so much.

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Dear Debbie. I had exactly the same said to me about my husband by a so called professional four years before he died! He had Parkinsons, had fallen, and taken into hospital by the paramedic team whom I had called to pick him up. Unfortunately, my loving, gentle husband, became a little aggressive in manner towards a charge nurse while on the ward. I presumed, when I heard about it, that he was probably feeling upset and frustrated about being there. The head Parkinsons nurse suggested he was accommodated in a ‘home’! I couldnt believe my ears, and said in no uncertain terms that he was my life and I wanted him back home. He came home, and he lived another four lovely years at home with me, which he probably wouldnt have had, if I had followed the suggestion of the hospital staff. In those four years, we enjoyed each others company, I took him on holiday, staying in self catering accommodation, including accessible caravans which were excellent and enjoyable. Whilst driving with him by my side we enjoyed beautiful scenery together. My children said after he had died, that he probably would not have those four good years if I had allowed him to be moved to a ‘home’. With best wishes to you. Deidre.

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Deidre thank you for your comments because of what was said by "professionals " about Ed i have lost faith in them . I could never have put him in a home it would have killed him faster than any disease .He had cbd a rare agressive form of parkinsons as well as dementia and lung cancer which they only discovered two weeks before he passed away . We had a lovely life before he got ill with a caravan on the northumberland coast days out to castles stately homes holidays in Brighton Scotland and Budapest . I’m just so thankful we got to do a lot of things we enjoyed together but how i wish he was still here to do more . I’m completely lost without him by my side had a really bad day today cried through most of it made so many mistakes at work thought they’d sack me wouldn’t care if they did really best wish3s to you too xx