how do I learn to live alone

I feel your pain im utterly truamatised today I’m having such a bad day want to give up stay safe please snd get your chest infection sorted in my thoughts Adele x

I’m in tears breaks my heart I’d be at the hospital at midday helping my Edward eat but looking at the photos now we were getting ready to go out this time last year im heartbreakon destroyed there’s no words to describe the agony im in I giving up x

Hi there, I have never been one for putting thing off and once you start the paperwork and sorting you will have something to focus on. Be prepared though. People on the other end of the line are sympathetic at first but then ‘red tape’ can take over and this is the frustrating bit. Have everything you need to hand because you will find you are answering the same questions over and over. I kept my paperwork in a file and kept it to hand. You can get help from Age UK with paperwork if your struggling and someone will come out and help. I did ring them just in case my fuzzy head missed something. But as soon as they found out I had worked in the Finance Dept of the local council they lost interest in me. I had done everything by then anyway. But I realised that there must be a lot of people not used to admin work and struggling.
Regarding pills. I have never taken antibiotics in my life, have always found natural remedies much more effective. Don’t have flu jabs and never had flu, no colds for about twenty years. I take vitamins and one of the best ‘antibiotics’ is Garlic. In tests found to work much faster than antibiotics, much safer and will work on Virus and bacteria. I don’t much like Garlic but can manage to mix it in food or take a supplement. Thankfully they have never managed to get Garlic classed as a drug otherwise we wouldn’t be able to buy it for pence as we do. Can understand your frustration though. Good luck

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As usual YorkshireLad an excellent response that should give ‘Exhausted’ something to think about and I couldn’t agree more with your comments.
I too realise now that I had been grieving for my husband for years since diagnosis. That’s not to say we didn’t have some good times when his health seemed very good. We travelled and walked tough walks but I know that I was watching and waiting all the time. A slight hiccup and I was worried sick. I fooled myself in thinking he was cured when he was strong and well. How could anyone be ill when they looked like him and did so much. As he weakened I again fooled myself that he had come through this once and I could get him through it again. But he didn’t and I did what had to be done. We are all out of our comfort zones in situations like this, we never plan for such a thing to happen we just do our best.
I am not thinking about a future I am awaiting to see what happens. I walked with the Ramblers again yesterday it was a milestone and I succeeded in doing it. I felt elated with myself as we finished. Something I had put off for months I had now done. This is what happens, things do gradually change, our minds and body starts to re-boot themselves back into action. I cried when I got home though and looked at a photo of Brian because the guilt set in. I had actually enjoyed the walk.

Just like my wife, Brian did all he could to get the most out of life, and we were there to help them and encourage them. We will never know exactly what it meant to them.
I’m glad you felt that elation after completing the walk and I was just the same. It wasn’t just the walk it was that feeling of being back with people that I felt so comfortable with. As Carolyn had pushed me to walk with the Ramblers I didn’t feel guilt for enjoying it. If anything I think it was more like gratitude. I suppose it was an extension of the idea of a continuing bond. I doubt Brian would have wanted you to feel guilty, he would have wanted the best for you.
After going through major surgery, radiotherapy and chemotherapy it was beyond my expectation that Carolyn would be able to walk much, never mind seven miles. It obviously wasn’t beyond her expectation. I was truly in awe of her and I still am. Whenever things feel difficult I just think of stuff like that and it lifts and inspires me.

Hi Ade you and me both I’m having a terrible morning been screaming, shouting crying just don’t know where to put myself today. I had thought of hypnotherapy for the panic but he wants £340 for 4sessions and that’s out of the question. I know people have to earn a living but I swear if I could help people to not feel like this I’d be happy to do it for free. I know we feel like giving up but its not our turn yet please don’t. K xxxxx

I think I felt the guilt as normally Brian would have been with me. I stood in the background as at the moment we have a walking festival that goes on for two weeks so the walks have so many people on them. I wanted to do a runner but members gave me a warm welcome and this helped so much. Brian was a walks leader but did cheat a bit because he sent me out alone to find the walk, he would then put it on the computer which told him the distance and then walk it again with me to check out or make changes. I then became the back marker on the walk. I am now beginning to think I might be able to be the walks leader in my own right. Already enthusiasm again.
I never had the traumatic time you had as Brian never had treatment except for three operation for something else in 2008 and this is when the Cancer was found. I can’t begin to imagine the roller coaster of things that must have been going through you and your wife’s head, she sounds an inspirational lady. Yes my Brian never gave in and when he couldn’t ride his bike anymore he bought himself an electric one and off he went again. I am so proud of him. A quiet man, happy to be in the background but what a strength of character. Brian kept planning for the future and hoped to walk and do his allotment again. I wonder now if he knew he would never be able to do these things again. Yes, I must learn to do as you do and think of the fight Brian put up and remember and feel inspired by him. Thankyou. Pat xxx

Thankyou Katie o feel for you so so bad your in my thoughts it may help but it’s alot if money like me I’d do it for free if I knew how I cant function anymore every second is getting worse im looking at the photos now of me and Edward last bank holiday Monday out we were so happy I want my life back I want you to all of the people on here im really struggling we had no children yet I have nothing to live for anymore I really do give up Katie there’s no words a councillor or hypnotherapy can do to take the trauma of what has happened to me watching my beautiful Edward fall asleep in my arms in such a terrific and brutally tragic way I’m traumatised and terrified we had such a lovely day last bank holiday Monday came home did what couples do have tea supper watching the television talking about the day a kiss goodnight just those little conversations about everything now another long lonely silent day awaits followed by a even longer lonely night filled with sorrow im heartbreakon your in my thoughts speak soon Adele x

I remember shortly after Carolyn was diagnosed that she said she was going to follow the lead of the character in Catch 22 that said he had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. I knew exactly what she meant and it remains meaningful for me. We might all face a day like that and I think that’s when that sort of inspired thinking might kick in.

The funeral is over, the family have gone home and I am sitting here realising that this is it…I am on my own now. My husband had dementia so wasn’t a great conversationalist but he was HERE WITH ME. I miss him and I don’t want to be in this house by myself. I knew he was dying, I am glad he went before his dementia good too bad and whilst his cancer was not causing him any pain, but that doesn’t help. I didn’t want to lose him. He had the best possible death, an amazing funeral and now I am left with nothing. It is so quiet, there are things I should be doing but I don’t want to bother. At my age I don’t want to start a new life, I just want my old one back. Is this how it will be now?

Dear exhausted
I am so sorry that you are feeling sad and alone…it is very early days for you and I remember only too well how hopeless everything seems…the thing is though that we do manage to find a way through and the future we dread is not permanently as horrendous as we fear. None of us can ever go back…but we do move forward almost in spite of ourselves. Three years down the line my life is far removed from my old expectations… I so miss my soulmate’s physical presence and still have days when the tears fall…but such days are fewer now and I know that they will pass. I never worry now whether I have reached my “new normal” because we are all unique and what is normal for one is not necessarily the same for another…I have just learned to live alone and to find joy in everyday things which I once used to take for granted. I am not happy…but I am content…I carry my soulmate in my heart and am so grateful that we had our time together. There is no manual to tell us what to do or how to do it…just take baby steps and believe that life still has meaning and is worth the fight. There are some amazing folk on this site so keep posting and never give up. Take care x

Thank you so much. Life is so difficult at the moment