What an absolutely horrendous time you have had. You said you were ‘vile’…oh my goodness, who wouldn’t be with all that you had to cope with? It would take some kind of robotic Saint to carry on regardless with all that you and your husband had to endure. My heart absolutely went out to you when I was reading your post. How utterly cruel life can be. You have been to hell and back, and then you are saying that you will never forgive yourself…for what? Being human? Being broken and lost, and trying to cope with an impossible situation?
I read somewhere that there is a big difference between guilt and regret…guilt comes about when you purposely set out to do something that you know is wrong,
Regret comes about when you do something that you dont know at the time is wrong…
This helped to unravel things for me, and I hope it does for you.
I dont think you let your husband down atall…you were there for him, and the awful situation that you were both in, as well as losing your Mum, all became too much!
I have no doubt atall that your husband knew that you loved him, and still love him dearly, and that the harsh and relentless circumstances that you were both having to deal with had a huge part to play.
Thank you so much. Your kind and compassionate words are so welcome. I’m sobbing that someone can be so thoughtful. There are definitely things I feel guilty about but it’s true that most of the emotion is regret, and deep sadness. I suppose in time I will learn to live with it but I have a lot of growing to do as a person. I don’t want to be feeling sorry for myself I just want to learn from my mistakes to support others around me.
Thank you for taking the time to respond to me despite your own great loss. This truly is such a supportive forum. I wish you healing and comfort as you travel your own bereavement journey. I only hopethat I can help someone else here in time.
No need to thank…reading your post help me too. It helped me realise again once more that I am not alone with my own thoughts and feelings of regret and deep sadness. I suppose in life in order to feel great happiness, (which I had once, but never realised I had it)!..we also have to experience great sadness.
I too have alot of growing to do as a person.
I have questioned alot about myself and I am slowly trying to forgive myself. It isn’t always easy, but it’s the only way to keep going in this new world we have been thrown into.
Try not to be too hard on yourself…you are not feeling sorry for yourself atall…you have been through, (and are still going through), a deeply harrowing and upsetting time.
You sound like a really kind person to want to support those around you, even though you are grieving and trying to process and cope with what has happened, but remember to be kind to yourself too…
This forum does help so very much …there are alot of people going through the same thing and who understand…
You take care and keep putting one foot slowly in front of the other…
x
Every one of us has regrets, want /need forgiveness , maybe we became complacent in our relationships. Too comfy with each other, too set in our own wee bubbles but that’s what couples do isn’t it?
Suddenly the bubble bursts and we wake up & smell the coffee.
Grief gnaws away at you - try not to let it overcome you or dwell on the “bad bits”.
My goodness that is so how I feel .so much I wanted to say to my husband . and didn’t get the chance. hugs to you all .the regrets are horrible X:heavy_heart_exclamation:
Reading your response to JJBee has helped me to understand the difference between guilt and regret. When my husband was ill in hospital he asked to come home ( I don’t think he knew he was dying - the doctors had not told him ). He was a workaholic and I was afraid he would try to carry on ( he could be very stubborn and had almost had an accident while driving when he really wasn’t well enough). I told him hospital was the best place for him as he wasn’t strong enough to come home. He passed away four weeks later in a hospice. I console myself with the thought that I could only do what I thought was best ‘at that time’ but I have been wracked with guilt thinking I denied him his request.
It is seven months since he died and I think your reply has helped me to see this as a regret and not guilt, if that makes sense.
Hello Grandma
It makes complete sense.
I look around and see couples exactly like we were…just thinking that we were exempt from anything bad…a definite bubble…
And grief gnaws away…you are right…and you are not in control of the wave of different emotions…
This is why this forum is so supportive, as I heard that guilt/regret analysis on here, and I just passed it on, as it helped me so much to try and make sense of things.
And you absolutely did what you thought was best ‘at that time’.
My husband refused to go into hospital, and I was wracked with guilt because I didn’t ‘take control’ and get a Dr to admit him, and if I had done that, maybe he would be here today, but as you say, I did what I thought was best ‘at that time’, as a recent stay in hospital had not been a success, and the mention of another stay caused him to go into a tailspin.
Like your husband, he was also very stubborn.
None of us has a crystal ball.
I am trying to stop beating myself up about decisions I made, which at the time, I thought were for the best.
I am so glad that I have helped you in some way, in the same way that I was helped …
@Beki Just seen this as I mainly look at losing a partner on here. But I guess guilt is the same. I cared for my soul mate full time for 3 years, stopped work and lost our business, did everything for my girl through 40 chemo sessions, 12 A&E admissions and some symptoms I can’t share here. I spent the last 5 months 24/7 at her bedside in a hospice, slept on a campbed and spoonfed my darling girl every meal (I’m not looking for praise here, I wouldnt and couldn’t have been anywhere else). BUT I feel enormous guilt for once getting a bit tetchy with her for about 5 minutes one day, and for saying I agreed with the consultant that I should get out an extra few hours to get exercise and relieve my head. And yet my brain knows I did everything for her, and she adored me to the end - but my heart breaks for those 2 things…
So, your analogy of the rice grains is brilliant - thank you so much, I think that may get me an understanding and perspective…
My husband passed away seven months ago.
In the last few months he was at home he was very grumpy but I don’t think I realised how ill he was.
I later discovered he’d told other people how bad he was feeling but he’d not really talked to me about it.
He shouted at our son constantly and I remember saying to him one day, “if you die, do you want that to be our sons lasting memory of you?”
It seems harsh now and I regret/ feel guilty for not asking how he REALLY felt. He once said that he didn’t suppose he’d ever get better but I joked it away saying that I didn’t suppose he’d ever be 35 again either. He was never one for meaningful conversations and I accepted that over our 32 years together … but now I feel so sad that he didn’t share how poorly he felt.
Yes in the last couple of weeks there were some fraught times between me and mum. I was exhausted from working and caring, she was iller than perhaps we realised and scared. We both said some stupid things, I threatened to leave, she begged me to stay. That small time, condensed into hours is just one grain of rice in a lifetime of other moments
The day before she died, I washed her hair. She enjoyed her tea. We laughed over silly in jokes yet it’s those tetchy times play on my mind. The mind is a nasty gremlin at times!
Hope you have a gentle weekend, be kind to yourself
I feel exactly the same. I cannot shake the guilt and regrets about stupid arguments.
If I had known we had so little time left, I would never have worried about such trivial things.
10 months later these thoughts will not go away.
Stay strong.
@Edwomble totally get it about the guilt. Despite everything I did for my girl, cared for her for 3 years, through 40 chemo sessions, 12 A&E traumas, dealt with some unspeakable things, never left her side 24/7 sleeping on a fold up camp bed in the hospice for the last 5 months, kissing her almost hourly, telling her how much I loved her, spoonfeeding her every meal - all I can focus on at the moment is being tetchy with her for 5 minutes one day, and telling her I agreed with the consultant that I should get done extra time away for my physical and mental ailments. After this, she wasn’t able to eat or drink and passed 2 weeks later. I KNOW FACTUALLY that it was the cancers and she had already started to struggle with swallowing - but I can’t help feeling she decided to end her life as she thought I’d had enough and couldn’t cope any more. And she passed just before I was due to get into bed with her - the medics all assured me it was to protect me as she also ensured the best staff nurse was there to look after me, but now I think maybe being in bed with her made her uncomfortable but she could no longer speak. The guilt is appalling
@berit I know you lost your parents, and having experienced the loss of my Mum it is hard. Maybe you have a partner who can help you? I hope you have that support at least…
you sound like you did a lot for your partner. more than outweighs any irritation … I know from caregiving I could not control fatigue as those are chemicals in my mind that I cannot control.
no more than I can control a lot of things that my mind, body do. we blame ourselves for things outside of our control, like cortisol or serotonin levels.
my mom wanted me to get into bed with her … we slept together after my dad died.
but sometimes the hospital beds were too small. I have lots of regrets … but I did everything that I could … everything. I was a woman split between the two. fortunately I had a wonderful Carribbean caregiver to help me. that woman saved my life.
that is so how I feel .so much I wanted to say to my husband . and didn’t get the chance. hugs to you all .the regrets are horrible X:heavy_heart_exclamation: