I don’t think I could ever begin to understand why my daughters have not bothered since my sons funeral, no explanation or anything close to compassion. They are in their forties so I would have thought they would have a little compassion. You must have been relatively young if your father was only in his forties and I imagine you had no experience of losing someone so close. I have lost my parents, close relatives, and grandparents I loved them all but as you know the grief for the most loved in your life is so powerful that you just have no control over it . I lost my husband at 54 after a long illness and was happy that his suffering was over. I found it hard at first but coped because my children needed my comfort and support. My son passing was so sudden that some days I still can’t believe he’s not going to come through the door. I’m not sure I can forgive my daughters for staying away and the longer it continues the less I would have to say to them . It is a rejection of sorts of their brother and he as the eldest was really lovely with them and I thought we would have had a lot of heartfelt conversations about him. I think you should stay where you are at this time. This grief is exhausting and you need to be where hopefully you still feel close to him. I never thought I would, but on my worst days I ask my son and also my husband to stay with me and help me through another day. I also had some reiki healing which a friend suggested. It really was a revelation and I felt a lot calmer for a few days. I intend going back as I can’t cope with the daily tasks of cooking or cleaning and I’ve found my mind is clearer after this wonderful woman has lifted my mood . I suppose we take comfort from anything that relaxes us. Luckily I have no problems regards my home and feel for you with that added pressure.Take your time making any life changing decisions it takes as long as it takes so I’m told x
I also live in an isolated location and have done for 40 years so understand completely. It’s probably safer not to make any big decisions whilst you are not in a good place, I don’t do very much with my time yet night comes too quick. Please be kind to yourself xx
I know what you mean about things for you are worse than you care to admit. Even if we did admit to others how helpless we feel it wouldn’t change a thing. Excuses? I’ve made many too, mostly because it’s useless trying to explain the physical pain of grief and my emotions are always bubbling under the surface ready to explode into another painful and exhausting episode which is so debilitating. I have no idea how to control these feelings or how long it will keep happening. So what if we can’t ? I’m told that things will get easier and I really hope so. how to cope in the meantime is the problem. I’ve stopped 'bothering ’ my daughters because I just feel constantly rejected which adds to my pain. I’m going to try walking ( when this blooming weather will let me) please take care and I’m sorry if I sound so negative x
Strange how things change in the mind over time,i still felt lonely back in January.Fast forward to now,today,i can say i don,t feel lonely anymore.Loneliness is a mindset,so can be looked at and pondered a different way.Yes i still feel sadness,as deep as ever,but i thought i had no choice,or the fact that my love of my life my husband had passed and that was it for me,lonely forever.It hasn’t worked out like that,i think iv’e grown to be satisfied with me,who i am now,and i’m actually not very different to who i was with my husband by my side.Other than working through thought changes,i’m still me.
I prefer to choose solitude as it becomes a choice of how to live,solitude doesn,t speak isolation,but loneliness does.
We are never truly alone anyway,we are connected constantly to the bigger picture,the story we think we know is very different to the one which is real.xx
I think I use my grief as an excuse for many things that I choose not to do. My wife would tell you I was always untidy and it’s true. It’s like there’s a big mental leap required to get from thinking I should clean and tidy the house to actually doing it. I might think I should prove my wife wrong and then quickly move on to a better idea. I always had an untidy office when I worked.
It’s my view that feelings can be controlled or suppressed, but not necessarily indefinitely. Feelings are just an extension of thoughts, and everything we are or do is down to the workings of our brains. I think that, just like physical pain, you can go well past the pain threshold and then it can take ages to get back to a point where you can distinguish the amount from one moment to another. My wife died last August but I’d known she was dying for four years. I suppose I did part of my grieving early.
My four kids have surpassed any expectation I had, especially as their mother had been a five star parent and I was pretty rubbish.
I think walking can be good therapy. I’m going to The Lakes tomorrow. I’ve been every month since November for a three night hotel break and I walk all day. It’s easy to take grief and loneliness with me and I’ve found the change of environment to be beneficial in some ways. I also have just got back to walking with a group I walked with for years. A year ago I couldn’t walk far due to a knee problem but I’ve been determined to overcome it and now can walk 12 miles despite the pain. I think it helps me to set challenges and targets. I suspect it could work for most people as a distraction from some of the problems we face. Walking with a group can be very rewarding, once you become comfortable with that. The miles and hours can fly by.
It’s easy to feel negative and I feel I’m pushing myself to look for positives and trying to find gratitude in things. Just little things sometimes.
Hi Robina. I feel like you. I have that great sadness, which hurts so. I want to touch, see, hear my Brian but this is not going to happen and I have to accept that I have him Spiritually now. And I think I can say that apart from wanting him with me all the time I don’t particularly feel lonely. I am actually liking my own company. I enjoy my allotments, I get a quick chat and a wave from other members and that is enough. I enjoy walking, usually having a chat along the way and that also fills a gap in my life. I have my lovely dogs that are a complete joy with their unconditional giving of their love. I don’t crave company all the time. I don’t want to join clubs, not at the moment anyway because I don’t feel this is the answer. You can feel lonely with hundreds of people around you. I was determined from the start of this long lonely road that I was going to learn to like me and not be reliant on other people to give me a sense of purpose. I was not going to become needy. My life has changed I must learn to accept this. Where I go from here is anybodies guess. I’m not that young but I enjoy activity in my life and thankful that I can still be active. Keep busy I find is the answer.
Your daughter’s ignoring you must be so painful. My daughter has returned to Spain and not been in touch since. I have heard that she is having a hard time and will be getting in touch with me. I know what for, money, I suppose I will help her but it’s not the first time.
I have been told that when a relative ignores a grieving member of the family it can be because they don’t want to association of their lost relative, if that makes sense. So perhaps your daughters don’t want to see your grief because it makes theirs more real. I have given up on my husbands daughters as after three letters and phone calls I eventually wrote a last letter to them, explaining my great love for their father and of my pain. I also mentioned that they had not given either their father or myself a second of their time or a word of support, and where was they when their father needed them. Harsh, but true, I did however offer them friendship. Still this fell on deaf ears. Obviously not interested. Have you tried sending them a letter explaining your great sorrow and grief for your loss and you don’t want to lose them also. I didn’t see my husbands daughters that often so I’m not particularly going to miss them but their rejection has still managed to make me feel worthless, especially as I don’t understand why. I can thoroughly recommend walking. keeping busy, owning a dog (I have two, which are a blessing), so the very best of luck to you.
I was going to reduce the amount of time I spent on this site as I felt it might not be helping me move forward but find myself coming back and learning more about coping each time I do so.
Possibly early morning is a lonely time when I think of my partner and how we would have been planning our day, or rather how I would have been planning our day!
Alone but not lonely seems a big difference.
Think I feel more alone than lonely, other than at that particular time.
It appears to be a huge difference.
I am quite happy with my own company but do enjoy meeting others for walking groups or coffee mornings.
There is also a difficulty in reviewing and discussing books with yourself if not in a book club!
Long walks alone clear my mind when needed as the walks then often demand concentration.
U3a meetings, tai chi, just trying as many new things as possible.
Next step, a car maintenance class.
This is now my life and I have to get on with it!
I love your post Robina, thank you. It is both inspiring and uplifting. Xx
Another inspiring and uplifting post. My thanks to you also 12remember. You have addressed the difference between loneliness and alone. I don’t feel lonely but there are times when I feel very alone. I have just written in another post about early morning, having that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I agree with your comments about this site too. I have days where I go quiet and then return to find help, understanding and inspiration all over again.
Thanks guys xx
Every time I read this thread title “How long is Lonely” it makes me think anew.
It seems such a simple straightforward question and yet it isn’t.
If being lonely means being deprived of the one person we are desperate to be with, then “how long” must mean forever.
I’m hoping that over time my interactions with others will mean that my normal fallback position of loneliness will be interspersed with periods where I am less lonely due to being distracted. I’ve heard it said that one can be lonely in a crowd, but maybe that can change gradually. As Robina pointed out loneliness is a mindset, and it, presumably, can be affected by external events and the amount of loneliness we feel can be " adjusted".
It’s clear that loneliness isn’t fixed in measurement. I wonder why I feel more lonely sometimes than others. What is it that triggers the extremes.
I like to think I know myself quite well but I can’t seem to puzzle out the different variations of loneliness.
So, in short, some quantity of loneliness is for ever. I think I’ve too much time on my hands. The question still intrigues me.
Hi everyone I am new to this site but like all of you I am grappling with the whole loneliness/alone issue. I am more than 4 years into my journey and just yearning for a bit of peace. In my case it’s the evenings I find particularly difficult as I can always find something to do during the day and still work 3 days a week. Some of the posts I have read on here have truly inspired me to take control of my life and try to change my mindset. Thank you for your thought provoking comments, I am going to ry harder. x
I’m new to posting, but did find reading posts in the last year really helpful. I don’t have feelings of loneliness as I have always organised things and am lucky to be ok in my own company, but what I do have is the feeling of missing my husband. That’s constant, can be extremely intense but then, it subsides. But I know that will never end. When I read posts, we share so much but not always in the same way, and that’s a good thing. Amelie’s Gran mentioned the factors that can influence how we deal with our loss and life after and it’s very true. I also have my journal noting things I am grateful for, meeting young, a long married life together albeit cut short. Grief is both a personal and a shared life experience and this site and discussions show how comforting it can be to turn to it when we need to.
Hello SanW. I don’t feel lonely either but I do feel alone which is very different. I agree with all you say and I often refer back to 2 particular posts which resonated with me. I’m not sure who posted them but I think may have been Romy, Robina or Rainbow - I seem to have an R in my head!
“My future will not, can not, be as happy as my past. I am fearful of sadness and yearning for someone and something I cannot have, can never have again - a relationship built on trust and shared experiences over a long time. I crave the connection I had with my husband. No one else will do. The future is a poor substitute for the past given that my quota of daily happiness has been significantly reduced in the absence of my husband. Without my husband life is not the happy adventure it was and never will be again…”
“The plan is to feel strengthened to see a way forward… For my new life to encapsulate the previous life but not to be drowned by it. Look for the glimpses of light, then look for some more…”
I go back to these two posts again and again. The fist is fact and needs to be accepted and the second could be my mantra.
I thank whoever posted them and I hope by bringing them to the fore again that they may be of help to you SanW and others.
With love xx
Thank you for an uplifting post. I can relate to many things, in fact all .you say. Your post is very balanced and helpful.
That should say first in the penultimate paragraph…
Your choice for your mantra is good, I’ve copied it into my journal. Like you I have no desire to seek a relationship that simply could not replace the love I lost. But from somewhere I have found the strength to be open to new friendships, getting rid of negative ones along the way and although I will always have wobbles, know that for me I will be able to have a life I can lead on my own.
How wise you are getting rid of negative relationships. I find I have become very intolerant since losing my husband and I only wish to be surrounded by those who enhance my life. Xx
I too have become less tolerant since losing my husband. Sometimes I don’t like the person I’ve become; I’m much less patient than I used to be.
Hi Maire, it’s coming up to eighteen months, since my beautiful husband died. I still feel traumatised but learning to live through CBT. I too don’t like or even understand the person I’ve become.Whilst in town last Saturday, I heard someone saying ‘Excuse me’. It seems I was startled because someone had spoken…Was it to me? I turned around to see a woman in a shop doorway…it was very cold with a fierce Easterly. I panicked…I turned away and didn’t even bother to hear what she needed to say to me. How wrong is that…I’m numb and inhuman…my husband wouldn’t want to know me now. I don’t understand why I worry about what could happen because the worst already has, x