Yesterday I was thinking of you and wondering how you are after your sisters funeral. I can’t imagine what you are going through having to cope with another great loss of someone that meant so much to you. Most of us are trying to cope with one grief but to have two. Sorry I can’t find the right words.
When you are ready let us know how you are as I and I am sure many others are thinking of you.
God bless Pat xxx
Hi pat and sister 2 thanks for your kind words and support, yesterday was so emotional for me, my sister had a humanist service and some beautiful poems were read out, I was fine till the end when I broke down sobbing, I managed to find a quiet place to compose myself, as I didn’t want her husband and children worrying about me, I was so glad to be home and could sob my heart out for these two much loved people. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and walked the dog today just to keep busy, tonight I have my 11 year old grandaughter sleeping so need to be fun grandma not glum grandma, but like many posts on here I feel like I have slipped so far back and can I find the motivation to get back up take care Jan x
My heart goes out to you reading what your going or have gone through.
I hope you find an inner strength to see you go forward in your own time.
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Thank you to the lovely people that posted such nice messages of support. It’s always a comfort, and particularly when I know that people get it.
Today is the first day of my second year and I’ve been walking in Langstrothdale Chase with a couple of friends. I wasn’t quite prepared for how that would affect me as its an area that I visited a lot with Carolyn and we had walked the same walk many times right through from being young parents to just a few years ago.
It felt much more significant today and I frequently struggled with my emotions and trying hard to switch to happy memories rather than a pervasive sadness. It seems clear that the trigger of being in a particular place was much stronger for me than the simple fact of the calendar moving on. Strangely, I’m going back there to do the same walk with a group from MeetUp on Saturday, and I may be better prepared in terms of that Power of Association. Like everyone else I spend time in places we were together, home being an obvious example, but I don’t think anywhere affected me quite like today. Maybe it’s that relationship between time and place.
Dear 12remember
Although the weather is awful today, I do feel a little better an 11 year old does a lot to lift the spirit, she wanted a face mask, but as I didn’t have one I mixed my own with yoghurt and oatmeal my grandaughter lay on the settee for it to dry and the dog jumped up and licked it all off, for once my tears were from laughter, it made me realise there is a lot I have to be thankful for and although my heart is heavy at the moment, hopefully times like last night will carry on to see me through the dark times take care Jan
Dear Barbcon,
Just browsing through the recent messages, probably trying to identify with friends where I am on this journey, I know we are all different.
My husband passed away 23rd Jan. 2019, we are month apart.
For the past couple of weeks I have found myself not just smiling but actually laughing at situations, like the illustration you have just given about your granddaughter and the dog.
I do have a sense of humour sometimes at inappropriate times so I am so relieved it is coming back, although I did feel guilty when it first happened.
My husband was quite serious and would often wonder what I saw in something to bring tears to my eyes laughing, which in turn would start me off again.
So thank you that really was my laugh of the day, maybe as I can imagine my granddaughter’s dog Tilly doing the same. Will share that with her tomorrow
I seem to be doing ok although I am aware that at the next junction of this well travelled road I may have to call on friends on this forum for their wonderful support.
Saying that for the past 7 months I have preferred my own company or being with family and friends who obviously know my situation, yesterday out of the blue I was introduced to a lady who has invited me to a ladies group she belongs to many are like minded. I found myself saying thank you, may I give it a try.
I think that is a sign of how far I have come.
The phrase a different normality keeps coming to mind.
Again thank you
Irene
Dear Irene
So glad my post made you smile, I to have always laughed at sometimes inappropriate things, sometimes the absurdity of life does this to you. I thought I was doing so well with things, I talk to my husband all the time and I would tell him I am feeling better today I’m going to make it a good day, then my sister dying all that grief has welled back up in me, but the fact I had such fun last night with my grandaughter means I will get back up and be the weirdo my husband always said I was (always said lovingly of course) next Monday I go away for 2 weeks with my children and grandchildren, I have been both dreading it and looking forward to it, but I know my family will give me my own space when I need it. My 20 year old grandaughter keeps telling me she is going to take me clubbing till 3am, not sure I’m quite up for that yet, but who knows. As you say a different normality we can either embrace it or shun it, I know what my husband would want me to do take care
Jan x
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Walked my son’s dogs today and strolling down a lane noticed the blackberries were well on the way to ripening.
Tears flowed and I was so grateful there was no one else in sight as I thought of how we picked them together just last year.
But not this year or ever again.
Then I remembered the sighs, the grimaces of pain and the sheer look of relief as I suggested we had enough in the basket, followed by his smile and very quick escape!
Suddenly found I could smile at the memory and carry on without tears.
I know the good memories will always be there for me whenever needed.
That is a lovely post, sounds like healing has started.
I have just been for my walk, a walk I call my ‘Dave’s time’ and noticed that the blackberries were on the turn. We used to pick, freeze, then nearer Christmas make a pie.
Maybe another year new memories can be made, perhaps with your son.
Blessings
Irene
Thank you for all these posts, they help. I haven’t posted in months as I didn’t seem to have anything valid to add to all the other posts but this heading really hit home as now after over 9 months I feel I am going backwards.
It is now a year since my husband started to feel unwell with a number of aches and pains which were put down to a variety of reasons. The pain got worse and he eventually collapsed and got taken to hospital where we were told pretty much immediately that he had Acute Myeloid Leukaemia and soon after were told there was no hope. He died just over two weeks later
Those weeks were so nightmarish and frightening and somehow we never had any significant conversation which is what is haunting me now. We had been together since our teens and married 53 years and I cannot come to terms with not having had any sort of goodbye. I understand when some of you have lost your loved one suddenly and so don’t get to say anything but I now can’t remember what we did talk about during those awful days and it is really destroying me. I stayed with him all the time as I left him for one night due to exhaustion at the beginning of hospital stay and he broke down so never left him again even though the hospital didn’t normally allow it
Thank you for listening.
Bereft, I know what you mean about not posting as I left it a while too but suddenly felt I needed a little support to get through a bad time.
It sounds as though you went through a terrible time but you stayed at your husband’s side throughout it all.
That surely says more of your love and devotion than any conversation could ever do.
Thank you so much for your reply. I appreciate it.
I think I naively thought I would have got my thoughts into some sort of order by now. You live and learn!
Bereft, have just read your post and can so understand your feelings. I thought it was just me going through this. My husband, of 53 years, suffered a massive brain hemorrhage with no warning. He lived for 10 days afterwards and I stayed with him except when our son or daughter was there. During this time he was unable to communicate and I can’ t remember what we talked about. Did I tell him how much he meant to me, did I make sure he understood he was surrounded by love, I don’t know and I am so distraught when I think about those days in hospital. He passed wrapped in my arms but still I wonder did he really know how deeply I cared.
I hope you might be finding a little peace within your heart now but know you are in my thoughts.
Thank you. I keep hoping I will remember something else but it’s not happening so completely understand what you are saying. I realise I said it was two weeks from diagnosis to his death. It was actually 3 weeks and 2 days so I can’t even get that right.
I am so sorry for your loss and that you are feeling like me. It is like going round and round in circles in my head, a maze with no exit.
Thanks again for responding. Take care of yourself
In reply to 12Remember, I do so understand about having the feeling that you are 'doing well ’ and suddenly find you that you aren’t! I am sorry for your present feelings, and trust you will, like me, soon realise that this is something that those of us on this site go through, quite unexpectedly! It can be a relief to find others are feeling the same way, and that you are not alone. It is seventeen and a half months since my beloved husband passed away, and sometimes when the tears suddenly flow, I feel that I “ought” to be over it by now! I have tried to be very positive over the past months, in order to help myself to come to terms with my new widowed state, after 59 years of marriage. I suddenly find it is extremely difficult to go out to meet people, have even cancelled arrangements, become upset with myself and then wished I had made myself go out after all! Only yesterday, kind friends took me out for the day, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but today I’ve been back to the struggle of keeping tears at bay, missing my husband. Also when feeling down with grief, I don’t even feel like loading up the dish washer! I look on this site from time to time, and usually find someone has written wise words of comfort, and try to do the same. Today has been a trying day for me, I knew I couldn’t contact my children as they were out engaged in various activities, which they have a right to do, and the only place I went to was the local shop and was grateful for the cheerful assistant who served me. Could have gone to a Church Service, but was afraid of getting too emotional and tearful, so stayed in. I’ve now made up my mind, that I must accept that I’m not going to get over this phase of grief quickly, but make the most of the better days, and get on with things when I can. I think back to my Mother who lived 13 years after the death of my father quite independently and with courage, and hope to follow her example. Hope this helps. Deidre
Deidre it is so true to find others that are or have experienced the same emotions in a way helps.
I have to accept there will be unimaginable lows but some better days too.
At the moment I cannot imagine a day when I don’t shed a brief tear for what might have been but perhaps in time there will be more smiles and gratitude for what we had than sadness.